Thursday Morning Cupcheck - It’s Raining Kids

by Todd Maternowski

Hola manana, hockey fans! Last week we discussed ways in which the Stars could protect themselves in case of gang violence; this week, I was planning on writing my quadri-annual "Where are they now?" column detailing the unparalleled awesomeness of former Stars, but recent events in the already-too-long regular season have forced my hand. After last night's impressive win over the NHL's last unbeaten team, I have to ask: "So, Tipp, how're the kids?"

Tipp:"Couldn't be better! In fact, they're really excelling at team sports right now. With any luck, we could be looking at two top-6 forwards and a regular NHLer."

Me:"Awesome! And what about Grandpa? I heard he's not doing so well."

Tipp:"We gave Gramps the night off, and told him not to touch the remote until he can keep his poop in the bowl."

Truth be told, it's a weird time for Stars fans. After ten years of wild 2-1 and 2-0 scorefests, suddenly we're being treated to these weird, alien things called goals. And not just from our guys, either: after ten games, the Stars and their opponents have scored 72 total goals, an average (let me whip out my abacus) of around 7.2 goals a game. That's just slightly above their average over the last ten years, which was 0.1 goals/game for both teams.

Of all NHL teams, the only ones in that range of unfettered offense are the Red Wings (also 72 goals in ten games, Osgood be praised!) and the Flyers (70 in 9 games): both, ironically, two of the four final teams in last year's Stanley Cup playoffs along with Dallas. (Effin' Pens be ruinin' my statistical argument here. And of all the teams to do it!).

Is this high-scoring, up-and-down Stars team a cause for worry? Weeeellllll.... there are two schools of thought on this. One, they're lazy good-for-nothing slobs that make the '08 Cowboys look like the '-80 Spartans. That's one retarded opinion that we must respect despite its dumbness. The second school of thought says that the Stars are smack in the middle of their biggest Youth Movement since the first time Tom Hicks pooped into his gold-laced Huggies pull-up. Just check out the roster:

Rookies: Fabian Brunnstrom, B.J. Crombeen, James Neal, Tobias Stephan

Sophomores: Mark Fistric, Nicklas Grossman, Matt Niskanen

Juniors: Loui Eriksson, Joel Lunqvist, Toby Petersen

All told, that's 10 out of 23 players on the active roster with two or fewer full seasons under their belt. And that's not even including hewn-from-the-living-rock greybeards like Trevor Daley and Sean Avery.

Even more importantly, all of the Stars non-goalie rookies are currently in the top six of NHL rookie scoring. Brunnstrom leads all rookies with five goals in eight games; B.J. Crombeen and James Neal come in 5th and 6th among all NHL rookies with 5 and 4 points, respectively. Perhaps more impressively, Crombeen is +2 on a team that, as a whole, is -17: although Brunnstrom may be responsible for more than his share of that abysmal number.

All told, our youngest guys are getting huge minutes every night, making every game the definition of high-risk, high-reward. We all know that our vets are playing like crap: but increasingly every year, the NHL is becoming a Young Man's Game. And the fact that our Young Men are gobbling huge minutes (wait... that sounds bad) bodes well for the part of the schedule that actually matters.

So if I can say one thing to all Stars fans --besides a cheap advertisement to come see my band (we guarantee you'll get laid and/or rocked)-- it's just to sit back and enjoy the ride. Especially the scor-ing part, which is about as foreign a concept to Stars fans as french-kissing Bryan Marchment. At least until the playoffs, when the real excitement begins.

That's it for this week's Cupcheck: tune in next week when we break down Sarah Palin's chances of winning the 2012 Republican nomination: will there still be hockey moms when all of us are working in nationalized collective farms?.

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