Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week

by Todd Maternowski

It's football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions by our sage staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.

Click to enlarge and read the picks.

This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors Bono and Gary Glitter, and they will offer their expert commentary on the titanic Week 1 clash between the Dallas Cowboys and the Cleveland Browns.

Bono: "Yeah yeah yeah!! People of the true religion of our wondrously living planet, I come to you today to speak of the Cleveland Browns. When people talk about the greatness of the NFL, I just think of the Browns. That's what I think of. You see, I grew up in Ireland, where there are no Browns. Young idealistic children like me were parched for the vision of the Browns, a long-suffering team that can be found in every continent and country in the world, save pasty Ireland."

"Every year, millions of Browns fans are deprived of basic football necessities: a serviceable starting quarterback, a between-the-tackle runner, and even a pass-blocking left tackle. Some Browns fans aren't even aware that good drafting strategy exists: and can you blame them? You priveledged NFL fans who root for First World teams like the Patriots and Colts never have to worry about another team's tight end sprinting unchallenged through your secondary. You never have to worry about the fallout following a botched center-QB exchange. And when was the last time you looked in the mirror, and really dug deep inside yourself to appreciate what you have, and what the Browns lack? Like a decent first-round pick?"

"Where you were born should never determine if you will ever experience a playoff win. This is why I'm calling on all football fans across this beautiful globe of ours to find it in themselves to embrace the Browns. Rooting for the Browns is not a burden, it is an adventure. Don't let any pundits tell you that they can't get it done. Join me, and together we can be the generation that witnesses a Browns Superbowl. Peace."

Gary Glitter: "Being stuck in a Southeast Asian prison has not stopped my love for professional football: in fact, if anything it has only made my fondess for the NFL even sweeter. But no team picques my interest like The 'Boys. During my professional heyday in the 1970s, I would often cut my concerts short in order to rush backstage and grab a little piece of NFL action on the telly. My favorite players were Bob Lilly and Randy White: I would spend hours each night wistfully pining for a chance to meet the 'Boys. Mike Ditka was my favorite tight end."

"After some minor legal technicalities landed me in this bamboo hellhole, I was deprived of my NFL viewing. But I was able to catch snippets here and there: imagine my excitement when "Bum" Bright bought the team! Or when they drafted young quarterbacking stud Troy Acheman, who studied under the watchful tutelage of Barry Swisher. And then there's Romo.... although you can put me down on record as a Jessica-hater. She's no good for him."

"Nothing, not even my Thai prison captors, can dampen my lifelong fervor for my team. My 'Boys."