Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Horoscope Edition

by Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we defied the gods, mixing the holy with the unholy in combining the sacred (hockey) with the profane (Hollywood). This week, I was planning on revealing a week's worth of supernatural bruises incurred from the wrath of the hockey deities, but after a thunderous gut-slug from the God of Defensemen, Crom, I seem to have been temporarily blessed with the gift of divine foresight. With little to nothing happening in the Hockey Present, but plenty of juicy morsels in Hockey's Future, I quickly grabbed my favorite Chococat trapperkeeper and jotted down the confusing and arousing images that were swirling about in my brain.

But after I woke up and saw that all I had written down was a poorly-drawn sketch of Optimus Prime made out of breasts, I decided to scrap any evidence of that, rev up the ZuboZen Koanator 3000 and provide you hockey-hungry readers with another installment of the Hockey Horoscope.

Libra

Your reputation as one of the NHL's most fearsome goons will suffer irreparable damage this week, as Urkel fulfills his twenty-year vow and impregnates your grandmother on national TV.

Scorpio

Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity: after it puts the lotion on its skin, try finally summoning up the courage to ask it out on that date!

Sagittarius

Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of the other NHL owners, you decide to go ahead with plans to use the Nashville Coast Guard to launch a winter invasion of Russia.

Capricorn

Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Zdeno Chara in your sign means you best go back into your own zone and shut the f*ck up.

Aquarius

Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Aquarius this month. Now would be a good time to go to the backyard and dig up that corpse of the real Gary Bettman that you've been sexually violating since 1993.

Pisces

A zany combination of madcap shenanigans involving a solar eclipse, some LSD and a Red Wings media guide conspire to make you the world's first Zettersexual.

Aries

Financial reward is most definitely in your future. After Versus, the City of Atlanta and your mom all miraculously win the lottery, they decide to give you all the money because you've stuck by them like this whole time. You also get, like, a foot taller or something.

Taurus

An awkward social situation arises this month when the ghost of Hobey Baker materializes at your wedding and drunkenly claims that he was put to death by your overwhelming genital odor.

Gemini

Gemini should be ever-vigilant during the waxing of the September moon. Avoid sleep at all costs, lest the Demon-Prince Pat Morita ravenously devour your slumbering soul.

Cancer

You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution this week, as a quick drive past the hospital will reveal that 'all' the nurses are, in fact, still alive and well.

Leo

Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when your coworkers discover that your 'summer internship' at Vogue was really a ten-year modeling career in Slut Puppy, Black Tusks and Men's Health magazines.

Virgo

You will embark on an exciting voyage of self-discovery this week, as you learn the exact tensile strength of your femur, what your blood really smells like when it's still inside your veins, and exactly why no mickey-mouse restraining order will get in the way of the eternal love-bond between yourself and Alexei Yashin.

Well, that's it for this week's happy funtime Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I ask Bill McCreary just what he's hiding under that mustache -- the answer may surprise you.