It's football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions by our sage staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.
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This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors The Dude (channeled through Mike B.), Walter Sobchak (via his old Marine buddy Todd), and The Jesus (communicating via the tin foil lining in Justin's favorite LA Clippers hat). They will offer their expert commentary on the titanic Week 3 clash between the Carolina Panthers and the Minnesota Vikings.
The Dude: "Dude here. Man, I don't really care about football and if I did? I wouldn't bet Walter's bag of dirty underwear on this game. The last time I saw vikings, I was under the influence and checking to see what condition my condition was in. Yeah football, man. It's like bowling, you really have to be dedicated for 17 weeks. But if I had to tell you who was going to win this game. I would have to guess the Panthers. To be honest with you, man. You wouldn't want to take my advice on football. I'd tell you to ask Walter. But what does Vietnam have to do with football?"
Walter Sobchak: "You want a Panthers victory? I can get you a Panthers victory, believe me. There are ways, my friend. You don't want to know about them, but there are ways. Vikings? F*cking amateurs. Hell, I can get you a Panthers victory by 3 o'clock this afternoon.... f*cking amateurs."
The Jesus: "Hey, pendejo, what the f*** is a little kitty cat gonna do when the Purple Jesus comes to town? Will they run away like women? Or will they bow down and worship him like the God of Sunday that he is? Dios mio, muchachos! Come Sunday, Delhomme and Muhammed are gonna get f***ed by the Purple Jesus. It don't matter what little kitties say or do. Defensive line? Purple Jesus will make them his viejas! Woooo!"
Walter Sobchak: "Eight year olds, dude."
