Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Great Chris Pronger

By Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we abused the sacred, arcane energies of hockey for cheap laffs. This week, I was planning on writing my bi-annual resume for the Detroit Lions GM job ("I promise to probably do a slightly better job than Mustache Boy, and use our next five first round draft picks to select kickers"), but recent events in el mundo de hockey have forced my attention elsewhere. Namely, all those sacrificed chickens and stolen graveyard dirt have finally paid off: Chris Pronger has a blog.

Now, I know what you're saying: Waitaminute, Pronger is literate? I thought he signed his name with his big inky fists!. Of course, you'd be right about that. But Stars fans and other Pacific foes now have a crucial psychological edge over the Ducks and their hulking behemoth, provided this stuff isn't just a prank being written by some hack in the Anaheim PR staff.

While there's not much up online just yet --other than informative bits of writing like "Groins and hip flexors are hanging on by a very loose thread right now"-- I've teamed up with my connections in the Czech Hacker's League in order to give you, the Pronger Lover, a sneak peek into the frontal lobe of hockey's Good Son.

Hey, Chris, your codpiece is showing

September 29th, 2008: "Hi, I'm Chris Pronger again. To answer your question, huskinsblows457, no, I really am who I claim to be, and yes, I will explain in detail how great it is to feel warm blood trickling down one's knuckles and into your sleeve. Altho when it dries, it's hard to wash out of my gorilla-like armhair. Or leghair, a couple of times. Or that time I walked out of Colin Campbell's office covered in blood and feces. Pretty cool, huh?"

October 4th, 2008: "Wow, the response to my blog's first Fan Contest has been amazing! Who'd a thunk that so many people wanted this pair of Scott Niedermayer's dirty panties! Let me let you readers in on a little secret: when Scott makes love, and I'm there watching, he usually just lets her do her thing and waits around scratching himself until she's ready to climax, and BOOM! --he finishes the job, Niedermayer-style! It's actually pretty cool. At first I just had to stand in the corner, but now I have a stool. Schneider likes to hold the camera."

October 9th, 2008: "'Mandibles'. I'm trying out a new nickname for myself. Whenever coach yells at me to stop 'standing around licking the ice off my balls', I'm now telling him to refer to me as 'Mandibles'. I hear ants and lions and stuff have powerful mandibles. I like that. It strikes fear into other bugs and hippos. Mandibles. Coach told me to shut the eff up and called me 'Piss Longer' again, for like the millionth time. I like 'Mandibles' much better. Wait!! Let me rephrase that. 'Mandibles' likes that very much. Pretty awesome, huh? Mandibles."

November 2nd, 2008: "I can't believe what dicks my teammates are. Not a single person came to my slumber party! Well, except for Todd Bertuzzi, who I only invited out of pity. And now he's humping my family and bothering the neighbors with his loud howling. Dammit! Those stains aren't going to come out. And Scott said he would be here! What a dick! This is the worst night ever! Giggy said he was going to bring those homemade videos of hi-- wait, did you hear that? Shh! I thought I heard something outside! Wait here."

Pictured: Brian Burke, the NHL's Alpha Male

November 13th, 2008: "Good news, readers! I am finally going to interview Brian Burke! He's an important man with no time for my 'bullshit'. He's pretty cool, though. This is my interview! I even brought a tape recorder and everything.

Me: Excuse me, Mr. Brian? Can I --

BB: Get the fuck out of my office with that thing, dickshit.

Me: Hi Mr. Brian, my readers have a few que--

BB: Your colon isn't big enough for the boot I'm about to shove up your ass, Pronger. This isn't Kevin Lowe's House of Gay Sex with Chris. This is my goddamn office.

Me: [sigh] Yes, sir. Maybe later, Mr. Brian?

BB: [on the phone to someone else] If you don't kill and eat the babies, the other GMs will not look to you as the Alpha Male.

Not bad for my first interview, huh?! I'm a regular Darren Pang!"

Well, that's all the legible musings I could swipe from Pronger's hard drive. Tune in next week when I break down the youtube video of Daniel Carcillo and Steve Ott doing their version of "Ivory and Ivory".

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• Thursday Morning Cupcheck — Top Ten Halloween Hockey Horror Flicks (Oct. 29, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Dallas Stars Hockey Horoscope (Sept. 17, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - A Complete Guide to the Old West (Sept. 10, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck — Epic Fail in the Eastern Conference (Sept. 3, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Predictions for the 2009-10 Dallas Stars: Big and Bright (Aug. 27, 2009)

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• Hockey > NHL > Stars

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