Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 16 Teams, No Cup

By Todd Maternowski

Howdy, hockey hombres: here's hoping Musta Krakish did not ruin a perfectly good first night of the Stanley Cup Playoffs for you: those ancient Finnish lake trolls can be a real biznatch. This time of year is both the best and the worst time to be a hockey fan: best, because with 16 teams and no games yet played, everyone has hope (much like Opening Day in baseball, in which even Cubs fans can entertain notions of competitiveness) (special exception for Royals and Rangers fans, of course). Worst, because for the tenth consecutive year, every team in the playoffs sucks.

Ever since the Stars won the Cup in 1999, the NHL playoffs have been plagued by liars, cheats, never-were's, poseurs and satanists. For the tenth year in a row, no team will win the Stanley Cup: due to media pressure, the NHL annually takes the least pathetic team and 'awards' it the Cup in front of the cameras, before signaling Versus to start the chainsaws and get the shallow graves ready.

Damn that sarcastic judge with the god complex!

Let's face reality here, hockey fans: all 16 teams --especially the team you're rooting for-- are far too flawed to win Stephen Hawking's Punch-Out Challenge, much less an actual playoff round against, like, other guys and stuff. This is my annual First-Round Playoff Bracket Mayhem, this year with feeewing.

Eastern (coughcoughlamejivesuckascough)Conference

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens: everyone's saying this will be an extremely physical series. Physical for who? Has anyone actually watched the Canadiens this season? Kovalev had every ounce of testosterone manually removed from his fancy cheese-stuffed corpse over half a decade ago: word has it he will retire after this season and join the cast of The View as Alexey Vagalov. Just because Montreal has two or three guys who throw the body around does not a "physical" series make. Unless by "physical" you mean "over very quickly".

Boston, however, has no chance in hell of surviving to a Game 5 against these guys: they may have lost only 19 regulation games last year, but as I've documented frequently over the past three seasons, when I watch the Bruins they are teh suck. No joke: I have not seen a Bruins victory in five years, maybe more. And it's not just the losing: it's the utter incompetence they display. Earlier this season on Versus, I finally thought they were going to pull it off: A Win While I Watch (coincidentally, also the name of my prison memoirs stemming from that unfortunate incident on the grounds of Thora Birch's surprisingly well-guarded estate) (I'm still peeved that that Invisibility Bottle the old witch doctor sold me "don't work on no video cameras". I'm calling bullshit... if there was a BBB for homeless spellcasters, I'd be on that like crap on rice)(where was I? Ah, yes, Bruins suckage). I tuned in, Boston was down 3-2. I scoff, as usual. They score two quick goals. Scoffing turns to incredulous stare: were they really that good, this Bruins team, that I might actually witness a victory?. Nope. Fernandez turns the puck over in the most unathletically embarrassing way possible, Bruins lose. Wow.

Very similar to me finally paying attention to the New England Patriots in the Superbowl two years ago: Boston-area fans, I am willing and able to take bribes not to watch your allegedly awesome sports teams on the tele-vision. I take all small, unmarked bills, as well as large marked ones (provided they are not 'marked' by any bodily fluids. I know how territorial you New Englanders can get).

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: With Guy still behind the bench, Montreal might squeeze a game or two from these guys, especially considering Tim Thomas' inevitable playoff collapse. But that suckage will have to wait until the Bruins face a real opponent in the second round. Boston in Four.

Washington Capitals vs. New York Rangers: Are you kidding? This series will be about as competitive as Versus' top-rated Firehose vs. Anthill. How the Rangers managed to qualify for the playoffs, when far more deserving teams like the Lightning were somehow left out, is beyond the scope of human imagination. This team is one overrated goalie away from qualifying as an extra on America's Most Badly-Mismanaged Teams. The Eastern Conference version of the Minnesota Wild is lucky they play in the same one-horse cultural backwater as the Knicks, Yankees, Mets and pre-Superbowl Giants. Because if anyone glances away from any one of those trainwrecks, they're going to notice plenty of what we hockey experts call Overlords of Suck. And admitting publicly that signing Sean Avery was a good move for your team: hey, you can put a bag of chiclets on the first line and give it huge minutes on the first powerplay team, and it'll put up a point every 2-3 games. Avery did it here in Dallas, too. But it doesn't mean he didn't blow fat chunk all over the ice on a nightly basis.

Kids go cr-azy over the excitment and thrill of Rangers hockey!

And the Caps? No way they're getting past Wild East: Ovechkin, Semin and Backstrom are young and impressionable youths, and hence subject to the up-and-down rollercoaster of emotions: 'up' when they realized they'd be playing an alleged 'hockey team' that scores less than Tom Hanks' character in Castaway, 'down' when they crash to the reality of how frustrating it truly is to get a shot through the vaunted New York goaltending trio of Lundqvist, Staal and Girardi. Twenty shots a game at net apiece might not be enough to get it done against the '09 version of the '07 Vancouver Canucks.

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: New York simply does not match up against anyone, ever. Capitals in Four: and yes, I am perfectly aware that the Caps lost the first game of the series, potentially invalidating a series sweep. I'm sticking to my prediction, however, just to show you how much of a hardcore, truff-lovin' X-treme carb-loaded double-flusher of a hockey pundit I really am.

New Jersey Devils vs. Carolina Hurricanes: Almost without exception, this is the series most "pundits" have picked as an "upset". This is because most hockey pundits use the ESPN Dictionary definition of 'upset': n. (up-set') When an obviously better team beats a team with a slightly better record. And frankly, the Devils have been there, not done that: two playoff losses to the 'Canes this decade, neither of which was really all that competitive, and the Canes are possibly the hottest team in the NHL right now. Insurmountable Force, Meet Extremely Movable Object: the Devils chances of getting to a fifth game in this series are about the same as my chances at turning that pile of dogshit on my kitchen floor into South African Kruggarands. In other words, less than 25%.

But those who think the Canes have a shot in hell of escaping to the second round are sadly mistaken, and frankly, have no understanding of team sports whatsoever. NJ is a team bereft of stars, but not of intelligent players able and willing to do what it takes to win a game. The Canes may have the better forwards, powerplay d-men, and what-have-you-done-for-me-lately goalies, but the whole is significantly less than the parts for these regular season overachievers. Every season there are 4-5 teams who absolutely smoke their opponents in the month of March only to fizzle in the first round of the playoffs: Sweet Carolina is one of those teams this year.

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: Neither team deserves to win, but because I'm such a stickler for goaltending, team defense and timely scoring from hard-working forwards (see: Dallas' Cup-winning team), it's pretty obvious the age-old question of Neutral Force of Nature versus Lawful Evil Being of Tremendous Intelligence will, as always, go for the evil dude. Devils in Six.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers: YAWN!! Do we really have to subject actual hockey fans to this atrocity of a series? Here's a quick question: with 10-12 penalties per game called on the Flyers due to league-enforced referee bias, will the Penguinos get lazy and sloppy and start giving up shorthanded goals like they were government cheese? Yes. Yes, they will. By surrendering 2-3 back-breaking shorties per game --not to mention their incredibly soft, Charmin-like play in their own zone-- the Pens will be facing elimination by the midpoint of next week. And the Cup Loser Curse will claim it's next inevitable victim.

But can the Flyers take advantage of a series that the NHL will do everything in its power to ensure they lose? The marketing guys in the NHL are obviously devoid of ideas, and would like nothing better to make their job easier than an Ovechkin-vs-Crosby matchup in the second round. And thusly it will pass: the Flyers are merely a penalty-laded pimple on the peach-fuzzed face of the NHL, to be wiped away by the Oxypad of one-sided officiating.

The only thing getting upset this round are hockey fans' stomachs

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: Any fans who still think the NHL is not rigged will finally be won over when Mike Richards is assessed a game misconduct and two-game suspension for brushing Crosby's elbow during a not-especially-vigorous faceoff. The Pens are truly overrated, but this will not matter in this round. Penguins in Five.

Western(coughcoughtherealcough)Conference

San Jose Sharks vs. Anaheim Ducks: Since a vast majority of hockey writers are based on the East Coast, the only time they perk up to notice the real teams in the league is at the beginning and the end of the playoffs, when the Western Conference team we all knew was amazingly awesome is skating figure-8's on the tear-soaked faces of their paper tiger Eastern "opponents". The result? Predictions from clueless pundits that this will be the series of the first round: talk about your overcompensating for not paying attention! Anaheim, as no one seems to recall, spent the entire trade deadline dumping all of their key playoff-driven forwards. Sure, they still have Pronger and Niedermayer, but that depleted forward core and a playoff-untested goalie lacking in super-puff pads is not a recipe for success for this team of thugs. Last year the Ducks nearly got swept by the Stars and their suddenly-vibrant powerplay: the Sharks powerplay is far more lethal, and their team defense far superior to the Ducks' collection of 30-minute-a-night prima donnas. The only thing that makes this series interesting is the over-under on cheap shots, suspensions and period-ending bench-clearing brawls. Which, I guess, actually does make this series the most watchable of the first round.

But hold on there, Sharks fans: in your uncontrolled elation at drawing this unsavory bunch of losers in the first round, you forgot one key fact: Joe Thornton is the Invisible Man of the Playoffs. Every year, the pundits look at his gaudy regular-season numbers (or number, singular, since we're really just talking about his powerplay assists) and loudly proclaim this year will be different, that this year Joe Clutch will finally break out and prove his many, many detractors wrong. And what happens after that is annually hilarious: Joe completely disappears on the scoresheet, presumably too frightened and alone to fight through the suddenly-more-physical defenses and backchecking forwards that he never faced in the regular season. And viola!-- Instant Upset! Just like mom used to make!

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: Watching two huge ogres slug it out toe-to-toe is, I gotta admit, far more entertaining and disturbingly homoerotic than it sounds. It's just too bad the Ducks got rid of Pahlsson, Kunitz and Moen: the Sharks' inevitable playoff collapse will have to occur in the second round. Just like every other year. Sharks in Six.

Detroit Red Wings vs. Columbus Blue Jackets: Another year, another hilariously overrated underdog for Detroit to stomp on like a flaming bag of feces on the porch. Many pundits, disappointed that they looked at their playoff brackets and did not see a single upset, hastily changed their predictions for this matchup before press deadline to make their picks seem far less vanilla than they actually are. Trouble is, rule #1 of Picking Upsets: Don't Pick the Best Team in the NHL to Get Upset By Shiftless Losers. Columbus has gotten far under Ken Hitchcock's "Five Goalies and Nash" system, but against a puck-possession, 40-shot-a-night team like the Red Wings, you can kiss that undeserved regular season "success" goodbye. In fact, you should french it because Columbus will be crashing back to earth next season when Western Conference coaches study tape this summer and realize the BJ's can't score or defend -- even when they have an extra guy. The Wings are the champs for a reason, folks: because one-line underdogs with rookie goaltenders are like fresh sushi to a team with Lidstrom and Datsyuk. Mmm....sushi.

Of course, that's exactly what Ken Hitchcock wants Detroit to think. The Red Wings are all-skill, no-muscle: a scrappy, ragtag bunch of misfits can take down this Evil Empire as swiftly and effortlessly as the Ewoks did. And who is more likely than a Hitchcock-coached team to construct elaborate log-traps and hemp trip-wires in front of their own net? The BJs will make up what they lack in hockey talent and ability with the natural advantages of the rink: water, ice, and net will be the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth Blue Jackets out there against the Red Wings, who will be armed with only their sticks and the puck (about 99% of the time). This is the red, white and blue-trunked Rocky Balboa versus Big Scary Dolph Lundren in the red trunks all over again: and we all know how that turned out. (Rocky won, for you America-haters out there)

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: Outside of the NBA, where non-Mavericks-related upsets are inconceivable, it's rare-but-theoretically-possible for a great team to lose to a sub-par one over a seven-game series. This is not that series. Red Wings in Five.

Vancouver Canucks vs. St. Louis Blues: Casually glancing at the NBA's playoff standings yesterday afternoon, I was (no joke) shocked at how awesome every matchup in the West was --especially in comparison to the putrid crimes-against-humanity the Eastern matchups turned out to be. But there is none more unwatchable than the 4-5 series in the East: Atlanta versus Miami. Uggh... just writing that, I had to choke back the vomit. The NBA would be doing its fans a huge disservice if they didn't take those two teams out back and blow 'em away with the shotgun. And this Canucks-Blues series is the hockey equivalent of that stomach-churning matchup.

The Canucks are arguably the hottest team in the NHL heading into the playoffs: or, more correctly, they whupped up on a bunch of non-playoff teams in March in the cozy confines of Vancouver and now must face real competition for the first time since early January. When they were out of playoff contention. And let's not forget the Silent Swedes that make this team the regular-season pheonom it is: in a seven-game series, the Sedin twins can be counted on for two amazing games, two mediocre games and three games in which you look at the boxscore afterwards and swear they could not have played more than thirty seconds apiece. Not to mention the Stockholm Cookie Himself, Mats Sundin: having both Sundin and Thornton in the same conference is like ordering prime rib at a famous steak house and being told they only have tofu corndogs that have been in the back of the deep freezer for ten years. And let's not forget about their stat-padding pretend-goalie between the pipes: Wal-marts across St. Louis are having trouble keeping beachballs stocked on the shelves this week.

But lest we forget who the Ca-sucks are playing, please fondly recall Exhibit A in the case against Cinderella teams, the St. Louis Blues. In the story, Cinderella was some poor chick who got lucky with a pumpkin and some magic slippers, duping a prince for about two hours before leaving the premises in a huff at midnight. In this year's Cinderella story, the Blues are a poverty-stricken team who got lucky playing bottom-feeding bumpkins and a smoke-and-mirrors unwanted goaltender, duping the media for about two hours before having to clean out their lockers after four disappointing playoff games. Verily, the media will come back, armed with a mysterious glass skate to see which hockey team's feet are dainty enough to fit into said footwear: and just as surely, the pretty, young Blues team will fit that glass skate and become the happily-ever-after darlings of next year's preseason predictions.

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: The Blues are young and stupid, while the Canucks are cocky and Swedish. Unfortunately for the Blues, the paper-thin talent of the Canucks will prevail in a four-game series before ripping like used toilet tissue in the next round. Canucks in Four.

Pictured: Joe Thornton making an unspeakable gesture towards San Jose fans

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Calgary Flames: As a lifelong Blackhawks fan and Annual Predictor of 82-0, I should be stoked that my beloved Hox are not only in the playoffs for the first time since the Truman administration, but won the playoff lottery and will be facing the Calgary Lames. But the Flames and genius coach Mike Kee--ah, hell, who am I kidding? I can't even think up a ridiculous scenario where the Blackhawks lose. Maybe if all their players fail to show up to Games 1-5? Twenty simultaneous ACL tears? Molten lava?

Even then, the Flames lose. Moronic pundits picked the Flames as the Big Winners at the trade deadline, which is the kiss of death for any team. Ollie Jokinen? Seriously? The Finnish Flush has played in exactly the same number of NHL playoff games as I have, and after next week, Flames fans will wish that number had remained at zero. It's a shame that classy players like Ignila have to watch the prime of their careers go up in smoke due to incompetent coaching and general managing. When all is said and done, we'll probably think of Ignila and Barry Sanders in the same breath: supremely talented players who were driven to early retirement by brainless imbeciles in suits.

If I Had To Pick One Of These Two Pathetic Losers To Win: There's enough non-Finnish heart on this Flames team to compete in a few games this series, but it will not be enough to overcome some fifty years of fan karma in Chicago. Blackhawks in Five.

Well --(checks to see if he forgot about any series. We're all professionals here, by the way)-- that's it for this week's happy happy joy joy positive yes-go! Cupcheck. Tune in next week when all my predictions are shown up in the most dramatic ways possible, and I retroactively declare Thursday morning to be Opposite Day.

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - R.I.P. San Jose Sharks, 2005-2009 (April 30, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Remember the Dallas Stars? (April 23, 2009)

See more stories in:

• Hockey > NHL > Stars

Comments

Scott Doyle Verified

How coy! Can we be friends irl, NoSoup?

6 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )