Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Remember the Dallas Stars?

by Todd Maternowski

Top of the manana, hockey compadres: here's hoping your all-time favorite team --you know the one I'm talking about-- didn't just get swept by their hated rivals in some sort of half-hearted ignominious sweep. I was going to delve deeply into the dark depths of the first round playoffs, when I realized that the season had somehow ended and I had not yet berated the Stars for a Cowboys-level complete and total meltdown.

Is that too cruel? Comparing this injury-riddled 82-game disappointment to the raining-blood apocalypse that is every Cowboys season since Jimmy J was replaced by a bag of chiclets?

Perhaps I, like all Stars fans, need to approach this trainwreck of a season with a different perspective. A fresh, uplifting tone, to ensure our Boys in Black will not get their feelings hurt. After all, with all the incompetence and chaos surrounding this team this year, it would be a dick move to pile on with even more negativity, right? Right?

So this week, I've decided to forgo the usual "Grading the Stars' Season" --A to F- grades are, after all, an obsolete relic designed to damage the players' fragile eggshell psyche. So this year's Stars will instead receive Non-Judgmental Tokens of Varying Achievement, specifically designed to coddle the precious and delicate ego of the modern professional athlete.

Your 2008-09 Dallas Stars

Forwards

Mike Ribeiro: Despite hardly ever playing on a coherent line for more than a few games at a time, Portugretzky somehow still managed 78 points in 82 games, including some all-time highlight-reel classics both in the shootout and the real, actual 'hockey' part of the games. That $5 million/year contract signed last year is now starting to look like a long-term bargain. For this, Mad Mike earns the highest non-judgmental token you can possibly receive, the Gold Star Sticker. Way to go, Mike!

Loui Eriksson: You have your garden-variety breakout seasons, and then you have what Eriksson accomplished using his first real taste of playing time: 36 goals and a +14 on a team without a whole lot of plus players. For years we'd been hearing comparisons between Loui and Jere Lehtinen, and for year we heard the massive collective scoff by Dallas Stars fans unable to see how anyone could follow in the footsteps of Jere MetalAwesomeFinn. And verily, it came to pass: the Stars found a defensive stalwart who can also pot even-strength goals at a clip comparable to the top scorers in the NHL. Just wait till next year, when Tipp decides to put him on the powerplay once or twice a game. For his radical transformation, Little Loui gets the highly-coveted Autobot Sticker. Yaayyy Loui!

Brad Richards: Costing the Stars a pretty penny, Richards was actually statistically quite good when he was playing, with 48 points over 56 games despite inconsistent wingers and a poorly-formed power play sapping his numbers for most of the season. Once Tippett realized he could, ya know, score goals and stuff if he put Richards on the point rather than along the walls, Brad's season blossomed like young love in the throes of Spring. Then he broke his wrist (must've been some powerful throes). Then he broke his other wrist. And then the season was over quickly because the Stars' powerplay looked about as potent as the surface of the moon. For his incomplete-yet-promising half-season, Brad gets A Silver Star cut in Half. Get well, Brad!

Mike Modano: When a 38-year old with one goal over his last 33 games is your fourth-leading scorer, you know you've got problems. And one of those problems is that your fourth-leading scorer hasn't put one in net since the Coolidge Administration (coincidentally, that's also around the time Moody Mike actually gave a crap about playing hockey). Like Spiderman's uncle once famously said, "With great skating ability comes unforced errors caused by mental laziness." For his lackadaisical play and unwillingness to stand up for his teammates, Melancholic Michael gets a Grumpy Bear Sticker. Try to have fun, Mikey!

Steve Ott: If your job is to piss off the entire league and the entire league is pissed off at you, you're probably doing something right. That Ott has been excelling at that since juniors is no surprise. Steve picked his game up in a massive way last year, and most thought he had capped out his abilities last season as the NHL's top (and most effective) pest. This season, however, opened Stars fans to the guy who scored a goal-a-game alongside Jason Spezza in juniors (while also averaging nearly five penalty minutes a game): Ott scored 46 points in 64 injury-shortened games, replacing Brenden Morrow both in front of the net and in the locker room. And a wealth of smug, self-satisfied hockey pundits (actually, just myself and possibly the ever-awesome Razor) were able to point to ourselves, puff out our chests and preen about having been Right About This Kid All Along. For his crowd-pleasing antics, timely goal scoring and fearless leadership, Sassy Stevie gets the rare Starscream Sticker. Please return to your desk, Steve!

James Neal: The book on this kid was The Next Brenden Morrow/Shane Doan-type power forward. And the early returns look to be spot-on, for once in history: Neal burst shoulder-first into the league and just kept scoring timely goals, charging the net fearlessly when the rest of the Stars were timidly passing around the perimeter. As I often imagine Attila the Hun saying, "Give me twenty forwards such as this man, and I will rule the world!" While other rookies around the league scored more than Neal's 24 goals in 77 games, few combined his physical style with deft scoring touch. For his Most Impresive Stars Rookie Campaign Since, Uh..., Jumpin Jimmie gets the never-before-awarded Chester the Cheetah Sticker. Stay cool, Jim!

Fabian Brunnstrom: I'll be the first to admit that, before the season started, I had low expectations from this overhyped Swede. And other than the hat trick in his first game, it was looking grim around December, when Fabian was undeniably the worst defensively-responsible forward in the entire NHL. But a few timely scratches and benchings later, Fabian actually spent the final third of the season impressing with all that ability the scouts were drooling over last year. Brunnstrom managed 17 goals in 55 games as a rookie, and gradually improved his abysmal plus/minus to -8 from -eleventymillion early in the season. For over a decade, Stars fans have cried themselves to sleep over not having a legitimate (i.e. European) sniper in their ranks. Well, find something else to cry about, ya sissies. For his flashy goals and slow-but-steady defensive improvement, Fabian Fabuloso gets a Skeletor Sticker. Your power is beyond our understanding, Faby!

Everyone Else: Since no other Star scored in double-digits in goals, or like Morrow and Lehtinen played only small portions of the season, they will all receive the exact same Non-Judgemental Token of Varying Levels of Achievement, the always-plentiful Green Star Sticker. See ya next year, buddy!

Defensemen

Stephane Robidas: Last year, Robidas showed the world he was probably one of the NHL's most-underrated fourth-defensmen; this year, he showed the world that he's the league's most correctly-rated #1 d-man. With powerplay "quarterbacking" skills on the level of Rick Mirer or Ryan Leaf, Robidas likely scored fewer points than any #1 d-man in the league without me having to spend two seconds to actually look it up. Stars fans even started a drinking game counting all the times Silky Stephane would launch a weak slapshot into a penalty killer's shins and having it bounce out of the attacking zone and negate 30-45 seconds of hard work setting up the play; unfortunately said fans were dying in droves due to massive alcohol poisoning. For his come-back-to-earth season, Shotblock Steph-o gets a Flash Gordon Sticker. Keep your chin up, Stephane!

Trevor Daley: Long hated by Hatcher and Zubov lovin' Stars fans, Daley has always suffered from Poorly-Defined Expectations. Blinding speed and flawless work on 3-on-5 kills make it seem like Daley should be among the league's elite d-men; but boneheaded coverage mistakes on breakaways every other game infuriate Stars fans (and coaches, probably) to no end. This year, Daley didn't dazzle or disappoint, deftly deciding to demurely defend, using his speed and usually-good instincts to play slightly-above-mediocre hockey. That he was on the ice for seemingly half of Turco's soft goals is not necessarily Daley's fault; for his milquetoast season, Trying Trevie gets an A For Effort! Sticker. There is no 'try', Trevor!

Matt Niskanen: Flashes of offensive brilliance coupled with Charmin-soft play in front of his own net and the occasional ill-advised pass to a sniper waiting in the crease was what Stars fans could expect from our answer to Christian Erhoff. 35 points and a -11 over 80 games may be what Stars fans can come to expect from this high-risk, medium-reward young d-man. For shooting millions of bullets that always seem to miss yet still winning fans over, Manic Matty gets a Snake-Eyes Sticker. You're a hero, Matt!

Darryl Sydor: At this point in his career, Sydor is filling the thankless role of On-Ice Disaster-In-Waiting-But-Off-Ice-Leader. For a short period after Sydor joined the team, the Stars improved dramatically, especially on the back end. Then injuries and and no backup goaltender took their toll, and people forgot about Sydor's calming mentorship program and only saw his turnstile-on-ice performances. Sydor has still got what it takes to be a serviceable sixth d-man in the NHL, but his real value is definitely not anything you'll be seeing on Versus' shaky cameras. Just please never put him and Modano at the points on the same power play. Ever. For his unique contributions to the team this year (and, heretically, the next), Dashing Darryl gets The Invisible Man Sticker. Thanks for all the hard work, Darryl!

Niklas Grossman: Arguably the Stars' best d-man this season, and likely one of their best d-men for the next decade, Grossman weathered the predicted sophomore slump quite well. While the early-season returns were uncharacteristically atrocious, Grossman slowly and steadily improved his play over the course of the year, quietly reminding Stars fans of why, exactly, they were able to let Norstrom go. For his quiet, steady work on the back end, Nifty Niklas gets a Soundwave Sticker. We know you're there, Nikky!

Mark Fistric: My man-crush on this Crusher of Men is well-documented; unfortunately, a combination of early-season poor play, Avery-related cap issues and injuries left Fistric just 36 games to ply his craft in his sophomore season. Towards the end of the season, however, there were few better in the Stars' defensive zone -- minus a few head-scratching lapses-- and Fistric's ability and willingness to clear the crease in front of Turco actually made the Grossman-Fistric pairing the Stars' most lethal. Expect more of the same, as well as some more thunderous open-ice checks that will leave fans excited and aroused. For his tantalizingly short season, Marky Mark gets a Battle Cat Sticker. Get well soon, Mark!

Everyone else: With Zubov out, our sense of entitlement we've had since the mid-90s is likely over forever. That is, until ridiculously-promising Ivan Vishnevskiy (2 points and some terrific defense in his three game call-up) gets his shot at the NHL. These two Russian Ships Passing in the Night get the Red Star Sticker. Da, tovarich!

Goaltender

Marty Turco: How Turco managed a "winning" season of 33-31-10 with a career-worst .898 save percentage and Osgood-esque 2.81 GAA is beyond me, but probably means Turco got plenty of goal support he did little with. Soft goals, third period mental mistakes, two shutouts ending in shootout losses, and some highlight-reel saves combined to age Marty about fifty years. At 34, Turco's Brodeur-like reliance on athleticism over technique or big pads may have run its course; despite the injuries and poor team play, the Stars didn't give up all that many shots, yet were still among the lowest in the league in goals against. In retrospect, not signing a capable backup goaltender in the offseason may have been a far poorer GM decision than the Avery signing; fortunately, it seems co-GM Hulkson recognizes this and will be taking steps to correct this. For his embarrassing defeats at the end of every game --and mysterious re-appearance in the next 'episode' despite his on-ice results-- Merry Marty gets a Gargamel Sticker. Needs work, Marty!

Anyone else... Bueller?: Tobias Stephan was about as impressive as a Wade Phillips postgame press conference, while Matt Climie did seem to put in some decent games (and a 2-1 record) in the final few games of the season. With Richard Bachman as likely heir apparent to Turco sometime after next season, the Stars are not without options. All these other rarely-seen backup guys get the Jackalope Sticker. Need to see more, fellas!

That's it for this week's Complete Avoidance of the Topic of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Tune in next week when I combine the East Coast media bias with my own stat, East Coast Media Prediction Incompetence. West side predictions way dope, yo. Safe.