Thursday Morning Cupcheck - What I Did This Summer

by Todd Maternowski

Greetings, puck-starved hockey fans! Last week, we said das vydana to our old comrade, Sergei "Salacious" Zubov; this week, I was planning on writing my bi-annual column on 60 Year Old Taxi Drivers and the Threat They Pose to the New NHL, when I decided there were far more constructive things to do than rag on some 20 year-old Face of the Franchise who beats up old ladies for spare change.

That's right, it's time to pick up some purple markers and start grading various NHL celebrities' reports on What I Did This Summer. Gold stars will be awarded to the best essays, while the worst ones will be brought up in front of the class for all to point at and ridicule... Texas-style.

Jeremy Roenick: Hi I am Jeremy and this is my report which is good and not pointless bullcrap at all. This summer I took my old skates and hung them, up. Then I rented my jaw to a Soviet icebreaker in the Barents Sea and it was ok. My wife took me on a date with Derian Hatcher to Peter Lugar and I ate applesauce through a straw like old times. The end.

Good job, Jeremy, watch that punctuation!

Sean Avery: I spent this summer designing a pop-up collar for non-douchebags, then I went out with some supermodels and dumped them on their birthdays. Last month it was hot outside so I videotaped myself making out with Chris Drury's mom, stole some sh*t from Glen Sather's office and sold it for pizzas that I threw away. Called up Zherdev about a week ago to remind him that I was still on the team and he wasn't, then made tie-fighter sounds into the phone when he started swearing. Finally, I took a break from giving empty Chili's gift cards to hobos to write this stupid essay.

Sounds exciting, Sean!

Brian Burke: Now what the hell is all this nonsense? 'What I did this summer'? Are you f#cking kidding me? I single-handedly brought the greatest franchise in hockey back from the brink of destruction, and essentially handed them an unending string of guaranteed Stanley Cups! That's what I f&cking did this summer you little punks! If that conditional draft pick we got for Pogge doesn't turn out to be the next Luongo, I'll eat that sh*t Nazem Kadri puts on his brown little tacos. Now get the f%ck out of my goddamn face, the Stanley Cup isn't going to win itself.

Wow Brian! :) Keep up the excellent work, but watch that salty language! We don't want another meeting with your mom!

Patrick Kane: All summer long I was picked on by the school bully, who is 40 years older than me and mean. My dad and Dustin Byfuglien said to practice boxing and then stand up to him or he would never stop. So I trained for two months with Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Bas Rutten and minded my own business. When the bully tried to take my milk money, I said no and beat the eternal living sh%t out of him. His wife and grandchildren are next; revenge will be mine. The end.

Good going, Patty! Sweep the leg!

Glen Sather: A few summers ago I paid half a million for this rowboat with a hole in it, and I tried to take it back but Cleetus said no refunds. So this summer, I was talking to my old pal Bob Gainey, and he was saying he wanted a speedboat, so I told him I had the fastest speedboat this side of the Hudson. His eyes lit up and he said 'How much!!?!', and I said 'ten million dollars' and he screamed 'Deal!!'. We shook on it, I gave him the address to the boat and ran off! It was priceless!

That's not funny Glen, you know it's not fair to take advantage of Bargain Bob.

Bob Gainey: First I got this awesome speedboat from Glen with a built-in pool, then I spent all my money on playmaking dwarves. Then I expensed a golf trip on the Mir Space station with Kovalev and the Kostitsyn brothers cause they said it was ok and I paid for them too.

Great, Bob! Hope to see you next summer!

Chris Pronger: First, at hooking camp I put Scott's hand in warm water but it didn't work so I peed on his beard and he got mad and he kicked me off the team and I was sad. Then I had surgery to implant rattlesnake venom into my elbows to go along with the lead spikes and candiru syringes. Then I waved my fanny in the air in public until Philadelphia gave me all their money. My wife is happy here because she says there are no attractive women in Philadelphia and she is right and I am considering other options like the dudes wearing my jerseys because I still have needs. They're really friendly and yell a lot and make me happy. With any luck I can stay here and not get traded again in two years to the Red Wings. They have no money left.

You get a gold star, Chris! ;)

Marian Hossa: FOOLS!!! I will destroy ONE FANBASE A YEAR for the next TWENTY YEARS unless you surrender the legendary CUP of STANLEY!! Muhhaahahhahaha!! My MINIONS may have failed against you this summer, CROSBY, but you have not seen the LAST OF ME!! PREPARE TO MEET my NEW army of insufferable evil, churl!! Kane, Keith, Toews, you will ATTACK while I watch from the COMFORT and SAFETY of my ORBITING SPACE STATION!! Minions.... GO FORTH on MY COMMAND, and CONQUER for your LORD HOSSA!!

Very good, Marian, just make sure to stay within the lines with those crayons, and stop trying to copy your classmates' tests!

Well, that's it for this week's edutacional Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I flail helplessly trying to keep up with all the breaking hockey news from mid-August!