Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Gary Bettman on the State of the NHL

by Todd Maternowski

Greetings, puck-deprived hockey fans! Last week we used the latest investigative techniques to find out what various NHL celebrities were doing this summer; this week, I was planning on skipping this week in favor of a fact-finding mission in the underground oil-wrestling clubs of Rio de Janiero -- I know there's got to be hard-hitting hockey news somewhere -- but in light of some recent high-profile events, decided to go public with my exclusive interview with hockey's own Joseph Bonaparte, Gary "Hairy Knuckles" Bettman.

Getting this interview wasn't easy -- that pile of disemboweled Canadian journalists in my backyard is starting to smell -- and, truth be told, I had been force-fed a little too much iocaine-laced mescaline prior to the interview (Bettman said it was mandatory for all journalists who want to come within fifty yards of him), so some of this interview may not exactly make the complex issues facing the NHL significantly clearer. But there's no doubting that every word here is true ... in my mind.

Me: Good evening, today we have with us the commis--holy hell, that is some strong stuff you just gave me. Are you sure that was the newest most X-treme form of Mountain Dew, and not just industrial cleaning solvent in a dixie cup?

Gary Bettman: Oh, absolutely. The new Blue Dran-O FaceBlast Mountain Dew is the most X-treme energy drink ever made.

Me: Awesome. Awesome to the Max.

Gary Bettman: (narrows eyes, folds hands) Excellent. You may proceed with the "interview."

Me: Gnarly! The Phoenix Coyo--hey, wait, why did you put interview in quotes?

Gary B.: IGNORE ME!!

Me: Sure thing, hoss. (awkward pause)(ten minutes later) So, uh, how's Phoenix this time of year?

Gary B.: Gorgeous. Especially if you enjoy a nice cup of emperor scorpion venom in the morning.

Me: Bitchin'. So, like, are the Coyotes moving to Hamilton next month or what?

Gary B: (suddenly very irritated) They can pry the Coyotes franchise from my cold, undead hands.

Me: Seriously? That's all it's going to take?

Gary B: I have taken measures to make that extremely difficult. For example, every morning I coat my body in Crisco. A Canadian hockey journalist can't kill what he can't catch.

Me: Crisco stops bullets now?

Gary B.: (squirms in his chair) It's been known to.

Me: Let's move on. And by that, I mean answer my previous question. Hamilton or bust?

Gary B: Bust, definitely. There is nothing, nothing worse for the sport of hockey than for its commissioner to lose face.

Me: So having a franchise move back to Canada would be a major defeat for you personally?

Gary B: I don't like to use the word defeat." I prefer the replacement term, "unimaginable success."

Me: So having a franchise move back to Canada would be an unimaginable success for you personally?

Gary B: Correct. Wait!-- yes. I mean, sort of?

Me: And the ownership/bankruptcy scandal in Nashville? Another unimaginable success?

Gary B: The truth will come out someday. Boots del Baggio will be avenged!!!

Me: Huh. Please explain.

Gary B: I was told there would be no explanations.

Me: C'mon, pleeeeeaase?

Gary B: I owe no one an explanation for my role in what transpired in Nashville.

Me: But you broke every ownership rule in the book to ensure Jim Balsillie would not buy the team and relocate, even going so far as to collude with a convicted hustler, promising him a significant part of the team with no money whatsoever, along with a clause allowing him to relocate the team to Kansas City.

Gary B: (awkward silence)..... so?

Me: Can't argue with that. And finally, what about the financial troubles of the Dallas Stars?

Gary B: No worries, Toronto and Montreal are giving Tom Hicks cash to stay afloat.

Me: Isn't that exactly what happened with the ownership scandal in Nashville?

Gary B: Not at all. Also, I had nothing to do with the trade deadline deals that will go down later this season in which James Neal and Ivan Vishnevskiy are traded to Toronto for an autographed Sergei Berezin jersey.

Me: Terrific! Well, I'd like to ask you more, but the drano-induced phantoms whispering dark incantations into my ears are getting a little difficult to ignore. Can I continue this interview in a month, when I come down?

Gary B: Too busy. I have to go to Sean Avery's birthday party at Gymboree. And wash my hair. All month.

Me: Could you tell your bodyguard to get these spiders off of me? They're starting to (unintelligible)

My notes get a little weird after that, not to mention covered in strange, swirling fluids. Tune in next week when we reveal the Stars' new mottos for next season (Marty Turco: "The Puck Stops Here." Mike Modano: "A Stitch in Nine Saves Time"). Their ingenuity may surprise you.