Thursday Morning Cupcheck - An A to Z Guide to the Dallas Stars

by Todd Maternowski

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S is for the S in Sta-a-a-ars. T is for the T in Sta-a-a-a-a-rs. A is for the A in...

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we explored the brutish and nasty origins of our most barbaric Turkey Day holiday; this week, it's finally time for Dallas Stars fans to stop whoever it is they're punching, take a step back and demand results at the Roughly One-Third Mark of the 2009-10 NHL Season.

Thus far, what can we say about the new-look, aggressive north-south charge-the-net Stars? So far, the results have been mixed: After a go-go October that saw plenty of pucks flying past both goalies, the Stars have settled into the more defensive, molasses-based special-teams-heavy game that we'd come to know and loathe under the Tippett regime.

For November, the Stars' goals-per-game dropped faster than your Uncle Karl's trousers in a gas station restroom: from a sterling 3.43 in October to a dismal 2.38 in November. Most of the drop came during the Stars' early strength -- 5-on-5 play -- as the team scored just 15 goals on non-special teams, a drop from 32 in October. On the other hand, their defensive game and special teams cowboyed up. The result? Pretty much the same won-loss record in both months.

To make sense of this headcase of a team, I've researched my notes from Miss Briton's first grade class and put together a complex, comprehensive statistics-heavy sabermetric analysis that will hopefully be accessible to even the most Eastcoasty of hockey fans (Flyers fans excepted; for your in-depth hockey analysis, continue staring at the pile of frozen vomit on your acid-washed jeans).

Here's the Dallas Stars at the One-Third Mark, A thru Z.

Alex Auld is starting to round into the form Stars fans expected in the pre-season, when they (correctly) predicted that Auld would routinely outshine Turco in net and cause a Goalie Controversy.

Brad Richards put up 15 points in 13 November games, including an assist-per-game, and continues to prove (most of) the value of his insanely huge contract with 32 points through his first 25 games, good for a 105-point pace over a mythical 82-game season.

Crawford's embarrassing Lombardi-wanna-be bench blow-ups: Zero. For now.

Deflections of Defensemen still seem to plague the Stars like no other team in hockey, with goals bouncing off our tired d-men and straight past a bewildered Turco nearly every game. Is it finally time we covered the jerseys in hot tar?

Even Strength play, once a source of triumph, has now become a source of shame and defeat. The biggest reason? How about the insane number of odd-man breakaways canceled out by three too-many drop passes?

Fabian = Failure. Jury's still out, I suppose, but it certainly seems right now that it would behoove the Stars to trade this guy to a gullible Eastern Conference team as soon as possible.

Goaltending has improved tremendously, despite the above-mentioned hard-luck goals. While there have been some tissue-soft back-breakers allowed, the sheer number of them has come down from October's dizzying heights. Now if they could just score some Goals to go along with their improved defense...

History buffs shall one day look at the first two months of the 2009-10 NHL season, look at the lessons to be learned from the Stars' inconsistencies and struggles, and promptly forget said lessons.

Ice Girls look a little cold. Maybe they should start wearing more layers?

James Neal and Jamie Benn have trailed off recently, with Neal pointless since his two-game suspension and Benn being shuffled up and down the lineup like an unwanted puck bunny.

Karlis Skrastins has been even more wildly inconsistent than the team as a whole. The guy's spent his entire career seamlessly blending into the background with solid-but-unspectacular defense; now we're seeing him on the highlight reel constantly, which is never good for a non-scoring defenseman.

Lehtinen's been straight-up terrible, finishing the month of November with one point and a -7 in eleven games, third worst on the team behind Skrastins and Ott. While Ralph & Razor still extoll his amazing play, I'm watching the same play with my own two eyes and simply not seeing anything other than a slow, ineffective shell of the Finn that used to be one of my top three favorite Dallas Stars. But at least he's not playing like...

Mike Modano, who has finally picked up his scoring (on the power play, at least), but continues his decade-long obsession with lazy poke-checks, alligator-armed checking and sloppy defense.

Neal has bee--oh, wait, we already got him. He's slumping right now, but give 'im a month and he'll be back to his early 123-goal form.

Ott has been absolutely abysmal, and he knows it. A -9 with zero points through 13 games, no other Star is more directly responsible for what ails 'em. Especially after last season's revelatory campaign, this month has been especially cruel to Ott.

Powerplay is up from 17.7% to 22.7%, and the Penalty kill has gone from a Maple Leafs-esque 74.5% to a more respectably mediocre 83.3%.

Questioning the wisdom of #1 d-man Robidas' contract extension was the state pastime for Stars fans in September; now, with 10 points in 13 November games and 18 points overall, first the NHL in hits and top-five in goals by a defenseman ... it's time to realize Robidas may not suck as hard as some Stars fans would like to believe.

Ribeiro seemed to enter a time-warp in November, going back to his maddeningly frustrating Montreal days of cherry-picking, giving up on plays and lazy whiffs at the blueline turning into goals for the other team. No other Star is less suited for Crawford's style of play, but c'mon, Mike ... skate towards the net, take a shot and save the cute stuff for the Ghostbar after the game.

Subtly slipping from "superior" to "suck" has been Grossman's quiet defense. Like Skrastins, Grossman is at his best when his name dare not be spoken during the course of a game. Unfortunately, poor clearing attempts -- once the big Swede's bread-and-butter -- have led to some neck-stompingly ugly goals.

Tom Wandell -- Calder-bound? When's the last time the league -- not just the Stars -- saw a checking line center play defense with such flair for the dramatic? The guy is a keeper on any line, and seems to be capable of single-handedly turning the momentum of a game around in a single shift.

Ugly goals marred the second Detroit game, but it was the play up front that looked like the unholy offspring of Sarah Jessica Parker and Don Mossi. Clean it up, fellas!

Victory favors the bold. Unfortunately for Dallas' place in the ultra-competitive Western Conference standings, Stars players have been madly in love with multiple drop passes, perimeter play, and relying on the power play to score all their goals for them.

Wandell is amazing, so he gets two entries here. If you don't like his up-tempo style of play, you probably also howl in pain at the sound of a child's laughter.

X-rays on this team show a brain far larger than the heart. Which is terrible news for a hockey team.

You've got to admit it, after last month: This team was better without Modano and Lehtinen. Hockey is a Young man's game now.

Zubov? Oh, he's doing fine, thank you very much. Any way we can slip him on the roster later a la Selanne/Forsberg/Niedermayer?

Did I forget any letters? Ah, probably got most of 'em. Tune in next week when we peek into Hockey Santa's bag of goodies to see what the Stars will be getting under their tree this Christmas!

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