Missed film opportunities of 2009

by John P. Meyer

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These collaborative filmmaking efforts would have been SO COOL!

A whole lot of movies were made in 2009. And, just as in prior years -- which include, according to my archival calendar material, 2006, 2007, and 2008 -- Hollywood auteurs could have saved a whole lot of money (and achieved profoundly entertaining results) by combining their story pitches into fewer films.

In a number of cases, the resulting movies might have proven to be far more profitable: Imagine the broad-based crowd appeal that might have been generated by an opus such as Friday the 13th, 2012, in which a supervolcano erupts from the depths of Jason's beloved Crystal Lake -- but not until after several nubile campers have been sliced and diced a la machete.

In this vein, I offer up the following concepts. Hollywood, let consolidation be your watchword.

• Two Lovers Drag Me and Orson Welles to Hell: Sam Raimi directs Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow in this revisionist tale of terror on the Broadway stage.
• Funny People Who Stare At Goats: Stand-up comedians whose audience members begin dropping dead in the aisles are enlisted by a secretive government agency to fight terrorism on the agri-front.
• The Girlfriend Experience: My Life in Ruins: (Sound familiar to anyone? Guys?)
• Bad Lieutenant: The Princess and the Frog: Werner Herzog directs this high-intensity animated tale of bayou batrachians gone bad. All singing -- all dancing -- lots of f-words.
• I Love You, Beth Cooper, Julie & Julia: The more the merrier, we always say! (Meryl Streep actually passed on this one, I hear.)

• Jennifer's Body is in The Last House on the Left. (Call Sunshine Cleaning.): Don't see it alone -- but if you must, bring along a mop and plenty of Ajax.
• X Men Origins: Antichrist: Those Marvel Comics boys cut right to the good vs. evil chase with this one.
• Che: Law Abiding Citizen: The life of Ernesto "Che" Guevara is re-imagined in a Capra-esque light. Instead of leading a rebellion, Che takes up the "don't worry, be happy" mantra.
• Sherlock Holmes: Mall Cop: Elementary, my dear retailer.
• Avatar, Fast & Furious: This rarely-seen two-minute investor's cut dispenses with all that visual effects b.s.
• The Hangover: Year One: Chronicling an epic prehistoric bender and its tragic after-effects. (Burp.)
• The Ugly Truth about Miss March: You got it: They're fake.
• Ninja Assassin, I Love You, Man: A light-hearted, bromance take on the standard katana-wielding actioner.

And, finally:

• Capitalism: The Invention of Lying, which finds Michael Moore abandoning all attempts at verisimilitude and diverging into narrative feature filmmaking. (No, wait a minute ... )