Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Missed film opportunities of 2009
These collaborative filmmaking efforts would have been SO COOL!
On the 12th day of Christmas, PegNewsers gave to me:
A whole lot of movies were made in 2009. And, just as in prior years -- which include, according to my archival calendar material, 2006, 2007, and 2008 -- Hollywood auteurs could have saved a whole lot of money (and achieved profoundly entertaining results) by combining their story pitches into fewer films.
In a number of cases, the resulting movies might have proven to be far more profitable: Imagine the broad-based crowd appeal that might have been generated by an opus such as Friday the 13th, 2012, in which a supervolcano erupts from the depths of Jason's beloved Crystal Lake -- but not until after several nubile campers have been sliced and diced a la machete.
In this vein, I offer up the following concepts. Hollywood, let consolidation be your watchword.
- Two Lovers Drag Me and Orson Welles to Hell: Sam Raimi directs Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow in this revisionist tale of terror on the Broadway stage.
- Funny People Who Stare At Goats: Stand-up comedians whose audience members begin dropping dead in the aisles are enlisted by a secretive government agency to fight terrorism on the agri-front.
- The Girlfriend Experience: My Life in Ruins: (Sound familiar to anyone? Guys?)
- Bad Lieutenant: The Princess and the Frog: Werner Herzog directs this high-intensity animated tale of bayou batrachians gone bad. All singing -- all dancing -- lots of f-words.
- I Love You, Beth Cooper, Julie & Julia: The more the merrier, we always say! (Meryl Streep actually passed on this one, I hear.)
- Jennifer's Body is in The Last House on the Left. (Call Sunshine Cleaning.): Don't see it alone -- but if you must, bring along a mop and plenty of Ajax.
- X Men Origins: Antichrist: Those Marvel Comics boys cut right to the good vs. evil chase with this one.
- Che: Law Abiding Citizen: The life of Ernesto "Che" Guevara is re-imagined in a Capra-esque light. Instead of leading a rebellion, Che takes up the "don't worry, be happy" mantra.
- Sherlock Holmes: Mall Cop: Elementary, my dear retailer.
- Avatar, Fast & Furious: This rarely-seen two-minute investor's cut dispenses with all that visual effects b.s.
- The Hangover: Year One: Chronicling an epic prehistoric bender and its tragic after-effects. (Burp.)
- The Ugly Truth about Miss March: You got it: They're fake.
- Ninja Assassin, I Love You, Man: A light-hearted, bromance take on the standard katana-wielding actioner.
- Capitalism: The Invention of Lying, which finds Michael Moore abandoning all attempts at verisimilitude and diverging into narrative feature filmmaking. (No, wait a minute ... )