Sunday, January 18, 2009
Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Word of God Edition
It's playoff time in the NFL, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions from our sage staff of supreme seers. Every week, Justin Smith, Chris Curotulo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski take the impossible by the throat and churn out stunningly spot-on picks. The playoffs will be no different.
Chris "won" the regular season, in much the same way that the New England Patriots "won" the regular season last year. Come playoff time, however, all records go out the window: twelve teams enter, one team leaves. To help you readers make sense of this extraordinary time in NFL history, we have invited a crop of NFL experts to give us their insider commentary. This week features a very special guest appearance from regular Pegnews contributors Robert Tilton, Oral Roberts and Jimmy Swaggart.
Robert Tilton: "PRAISE FLACCO!! For ye who doubt, who whine to the ref, who claim the delay of game, our Lord and Savior Joe Joe-Bob Joseph Josephus Flacco will forgive. But for the true believers, for the Purple Faithful, our Time Has Come! And the black-and-yellow HellHounds of the infernal pits will suffer this Sunday, and there will be much wringing of the hands in the coal mines and unemployment lines of Central Hellsylvania! City of Infernal Pits, prepare to meet your doom! All bow to our new Raven overlords!!"
Oral Roberts: "I spoke to the Lord last night, and He did tell me that if the Cardinals failed to cover, He would be taking my soul to Heaven."
Jimmy Swaggart: "(cries)...sniff... I will never, ever again bet against my beloved Arizona Warners. I sincerely apologize to all the Arizona fans, who I compared to the lowest dregs at the bottom of the sewage-infested River Styx. I also humbly apologize to the Cardinals' running game, which I mistakenly --no, sinfully-- claimed couldn't run through a semen-coated page of Paul's Letter to the Corinthians. And above all, I apologize to my boy, Kurt Warner: I was wrong to say you had the pocket presence of Lot's wife when she was turned to salt. Amen!"
