Thursday, July 2, 2009
Thursday Morning Cupcheck: Free Agent Fiesta
Greetings, rabid hockey fans: As most of you wake up from your turpentine-and-Diet Sprite-fueled July 1st Free Agent Fiesta benders, it is, perhaps, time to take a moment of silence to reflect. Last week we looked back at the wild and wonderful history of the Draft; this week, after a potent post-deadline cocktail of riboflavin and absinthe, I had an amazing dream in which the Hockey Gods came to me, spoke the Word and gave me Something to Write With. When I woke up screaming and covered in mysterious glowing fluids, I found these mystical writings throughout my prized Miley Cyrus trapperkeeper.
Hockey-loving gentlemen, I give you The Book of Costliness.
Pictured: Marian Gaborik and/or Martin Havlat celebrates his well-deserved contract.
1. AND THUSLY the did the expensive FREE AGENT, which THE LORD God gave unto him, to shew unto his overpaid general managers things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant WIRTZ: Who bare record of the word of THE LORD, and of the testimony of KEN HOLLAND, and of all things that he saw. And did he bequeath unto HOSSA a magnificent SUM, over a more magnificent LENGTH of TIME, insuring that in ELEVEN years' time, the world would forget about CAMPBELL's lot, and would once again long for the days of ELDER WIRTZ, such was the YOUNGER's evil plan.
2. Blessed is he that readeth this WARNING, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand when the west will see TWO EVIL TWINS, with POWERS to phase in and OUT of the rink, who appear as riders from the ETHER armed with PRETTY PASSING, only to escape back to SHADOW in the SEVEN GAME SERIES.
3. Behold, one cometh with a GROIN as the CLOUDS; and every eye shall see him, and they also which PASSED on him: and all kindreds of the LARGE APPLE shall wail because of him.
4. And GARTH SNOW turned to see the voice that spake with him. And being turned, he saw FIFTEEN SHIPS of GOLD sailing AWAY; And in the midst of the fifteen ships another one like unto the ORIGINAL MAN, clothed with a garment covered in OIL and BLOOD, and girt about the paps with FORTY RINGS. And sayeth THE LORD to Garth, set sail TWO MORE ships of GOLD, as you spendeth not YOUR MONEY, and you will CONTINUE to receive a PAYCHECK as the days are long, and as the MILBURY is forgotten HISTORY.
5. And the angel of IGNORANCE sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto MONTREAL: and to him was given the key of the BOTTOMLESS PIT. And he opened the BOTTOMLESS PIT; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great MEDIA-FUELED furnace; and the sun and the air were DARKENED by reason of the smoke of the pit. And then did more TINY STARS fall also unto MONTREAL, which now TEEMED with PLAYMAKING DWARVES.
6. And to the city of TORONTO it was given that they should not die, but that they should be tormented for eight months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man with no HOPE. And in those months shall fans SEEK DEATH, and shall only find KOMISAREK; and shall desire to DRAFT HIGHLY, and the DRAFT shall flee from them.
The LORD hath not yet forsaken thee, Holmstrom, so stop looking at HIM like that.
7. And the LORD did speak to the city of BROTHERLY LOVE, that one WOE is PAST; and, behold, there come TWO WOES more hereafter. For HE CAME who had hair as the hair of women, and whose POWERFUL MANDIBLES were as the teeth of lions, and whose ELBOWS RANG as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle against UNSUSPECTING VILLAGES.
8. And I saw as it were a KNEE of GLASS tempered with ASSISTS: and them that had gotten NO VICTORY over the RED WINGED BEAST, and over his IMAGE, and over his CLUTCHING, and over his GRABBING. And I stood upon the 10,000 LAKES, and saw a WOUNDED BEAST rise up out of the sea, having SOFT HANDS and ONE BALL, and upon his head a FANCY BEARD, and upon his back the name of HAVLAT. And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against the CITY of WIND, to blaspheme THE INDIAN, and his DEVOTEES, and them that dwell A FEW MILES AWAY.
9. And I beheld another TWO BEASTS coming up out of the earth; and they had two horns like a lamb, and they spake as two DRAGONS. And did the LORD call these two dragons the LAST WARRIORS, and gave them the gift of REASON, and with REASON did the two dragons NOT SIGN ANYONE, and thus ASSURE that they would once AGAIN meet in the FINAL COMBAT.
10. And the LORD causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a FAILING MARK in their right hand, or on their FAT FACES: for HERE is WISDOM. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the FREE AGENT BEAST: for it is the number of a FOOLISH MAN; and his number of SHINY CUPS is ZERO, and his JOB SECURITY is as the LIFESPAN of the MAYFLY. Thus spake the LORD.
After that, it gets a little esoteric, with weird passages on the space-god Zanon and something about the youth movement in goal in Edmonton. Odd stuff. Anyways, for those of you who's teams did nothing during the Free Agent Frenzy yesterday (you know who you are, Dallas, Detroit, Los Angeles and Atlanta!), fret not: there's still plenty of idiotic money to be thrown around out there with Tanguay, Zubov, Kovalev, Koivu, Beauchemin, Scuderi, Mara, Sundin, Morris, Aucoin, Comrie, LaRose, Morrisson, Schnieder, Satan, Peca, Leopold, Bergeron, Boynton, Afinogenov, Bertuzzi, Boucher, Bonk and Marchant still unsigned, among others. Here's hoping your team doesn't become the Point-and-Laugh 2009-10 version of the 2008-09 Dallas Stars.
Tune in next week when I laud the Stars for signing a bunch of old guys to salary-cap-breaking contracts! Their inevitable mediocrity might surprise you.
