Thursday Morning Cupcheck — 2009 free agents: Victory or triumph?

by Todd Maternowski

Greetings, news-starved hockey fans: while we sang the glories of the free agent feeding frenzy last week, this week it seemed like hockey news was scarcer than a Claude Lemieux jersey at a Red Wings team-sponsored orgy. Despite this, the Dallas Stars were still busy as bees and thick as thieves, signing and re-signing several under-the-radar free agents that should, in theory, help their team.

But will they? I could say the usual line about how you have to wait years to see if a free agents signing was good or bad, impossible to tell right away, blahblahcoward'swayoutyaddayadda. Horsefeathers. Hockey fans have the God-given right for instant gratification now, not three years or four months from now!

So, I'm laying it all on the line once again with some thoroughly-researched sweeping generalizations, and Stars fans will once and for all be able to see whether each of the recent signings was a Victory, a Triumph, or a Catastrophic Error of Apocalyptic Proportions.

Mark Fistric: 3 years, $3 million for the quickly-developing Hammer of Thor, the True Heir to Hatcher's Empty Throne, the Man With the Golden Fists. Hockey is a physical, brutal sport at its core, and d-men like Fistric are absolutely invaluable to a team's playoff aspirations. While the fancy-skatin' types get all the press ink, guys like Fistric put fans in seats and playoff series wins in their belts. But for just three years? We'd better hope Tom "Poorer Than a Buncha" Hicks isn't running the team at that point. My grade: Victory.

Jere Lehtinen: 1 year, $1.5 million base salary for the aging but-still-serviceable checking forward would have been an epic underpayment three years ago, but with the Jerenator playing half-seasons due to injury of late, it made perfect team sense for the Fantastic Finn to accept an incentive-laden contract. It's unlikely that Lehtinen will play a full 82 games next season, but it's also a dead certainty that in those games he does participate in, he changes the Stars' offensive and defensive prowess like no other forward. As for the future, perhaps the Stars could sign Lehts to a series of one-year contracts, until such time as Jere decides to retire from hockey and start his own Scandinavian death metal band. My grade: Triumph.

Karlis Skrastins: 2 years, $2.75 million is the perfect price to pay for the perfect piece of the Stars' puzzle. Last year the Stars lacked an effective veteran presence on the ice (Sydor was a great influence off the ice, but his on-ice skillz left something to be desired, i.e., by the end of the year Stars fans were wanting Zubov like a made-for-TV cop wants his serial killer), and Skrastins fills that need like no other defenseman on the market. While supposed "defensive defensemen" like Komisarek and Scuderi get huge paydays from terrible defensive teams, neither has the results-based pedigree of the almost criminally-underrated Latvian. Dallas fans may recall which Colorado d-man completely owned the Stars in those two disappointing first-round exits (here's a clue: it wasn't Sandish Ozolinsh or Rob Blake). When Skrastins left Colorado for sunny Florida, Colorado's defense became as porous as ... the Stars ... while perennial Eastern Conference doormat Florida came within a tiebreaker of making the playoffs with him. When he went on the market, I openly stated I didn't think the Stars had a chance in hell of getting him: When they did, and for so cheaply, it changed my feelings of our Shiny New GM to ones of uncomfortably awkward man-love. My grade: Triumph.

Jonas Gustavsson: Failure to sign the Swedish Monster meant, for many Stars fans, the end of the world as we knew it. Dogs made out with cats, hail the size of Buicks rained from the blood-stained skies, and a seven-headed, seven-limbed Norwegian dragon did appear over the skies of the Frisco Stars Center, and it did open its seven-fanged mouth to pronounce the Stars' reign of success at its terrible end. Either that, or some unknown Swedish goalie chose the starting job in hockey's biggest market over the backup job in Dallas. Truly, Gustavsson's insult to all Texans will not stand! When we meet the Maple Leafs in the Stanley Cup Finals next June, verily will the Stars exact their vengeance on the insolent Swede. My grade: Catastrophic Error of Apocalyptic Proportions.

Alex Auld: For the price of a 6th round pick, we get a guy who had stellar goaltending numbers behind an atrocious defense -- in contrast to the stellar numbers of the much more highly-coveted backups like Scott Clemmensen and Craig Anderson, who both played behind above-average defenses playing the trap -- to push Turco and give the guy an occasional break. Not to mention Auld's previous relationship with the Stars' new head coach, and this could be a great move for the Stars. It certainly beats anything they had in place last season, and in a pinch Auld could actually become the starter for a decent-enough team. My grade: Victory.

Sergei Zubov: 2 years, $2 million per plus incentives ... well, a man can dream, can't he? Besides, it's not my money. Two years, forty million per sounds about right in terms of impact on the club. But more than likely, Zubov will leave the Stars for greener pastures elsewhere, raking in insane amounts of money at his very advanced age. If the Stars could get him for just one more season, to mentor the New Sergei Zubov Ivan Vishnevskiy, that would make me happier than an idiot man-child at a Jonas Brothers convention. My Grade: Catastrophic Error of Apocalyptic Proportions.

There you have it, minus any future signings, the Stars have been doing quite well for themselves. A Zubov signing would make for an A+ offseason, rather than a B+, but Stars fans shouldn't hold their breath on that one. Or light themselves on fire in protest, either. Tune in next week when Gary Bettman and myself play our new game Purple Dragon, Pink Dragon: Surprisingly, it's a lot more fun than it sounds.