Movie review: I Love You, Beth Cooper

Might have you saying, "I hate you, bad movie!"

by John P. Meyer

As a director, Chris Columbus has been responsible for some outstandingly entertaining motion pictures, including Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and the first two Harry Potter movies. He has also penned screenplays for crowd-pleasers like Gremlins, The Goonies, and Christmas with the Kranks.

Columbus' latest offering (which he produced and directed from a script by Larry Doyle) is the formula teen comedy I Love You, Beth Cooper, which stars Heroes honey Hayden Panettiere in the title role. I am sorry to report that this film does not make the outstanding category (except in terms of cringe-inducement), nor is it likely to be a crowd-pleaser. Unless we refer to the crowds who kept right on walking past the cinema instead of buying a ticket to this one.

The movie actually shows early promise in that its opening scene is a certified hoot. It's graduation day at Buffalo Glenn High School, and there's rising tension on the stage in front of the packed auditorium. The tension results not from the guitar-strumming vocalist in mortarboard who's performing a laughably inappropriate song about forgetting (this being -- you know -- one of those occasions people generally want to remember), but because the valedictorian who will speak to the assemblage is preparing to drop a declarative bomb.

Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust) will not deliver the standard valedictory. Instead -- at the suggestion of his outgoing best bud, Rich (Jack Carpenter) -- Denis will proclaim his love for head cheerleader and class sweetheart Beth Cooper.

Which he proceeds to do, weaving a theme around his declaration by suggesting that other of his peers embrace the opportunity to unburden themselves of their own closely held secrets. He goes on to specify some of those who might want to consider coming clean in this way, referring specifically to the class bully, the stuck-up rich bitch, the girl with an eating disorder, and the muscle-bound military cadet who hangs out at his old alma mater because he can't face the horrible truth that in the outside world, he's just a surly brick in the wall. (This last mentioned individual -- Shawn Roberts, as Kevin -- attracts Cooverman's erudite disdain in part because he is dating his heartthrob, Beth Cooper.)

It's all sorts of fun to see the characters to whom Denis refers squirming in their seats as they recognize themselves for who they are (at least in Denis' eyes). We also get a sense of what a brave act this is for Denis, who understands that once he's done speaking, he will be variously considered a laughingstock or a target of physical violence. But -- as Rich has pointed out -- most of these people will never associate with him (or he with them) again, after today.

From this high point (seven-ish minutes into the film), things hit the downhill ramp and continue to toboggan -- with one or two chuckle-worthy moguls encountered along the way.

What starts the precipitous decline are a pair of fond remembrances (dramatized for your - ahem - amusement) involving Denis' principal (Andrea Savage, as Dr. Gleason) and his good buddy Rich. For her part, Gleason recalls her first makeout session in the back of a convertible. The memory of this abortive encounter is painful for her to recall; for us, it's simply tough to watch. (And imagine.)

Rich, meanwhile, is the subject of a brief and disturbing memory conjured up by Denis as an illustration of why he (Denis) thinks Rich is probably gay. It involves the two of them -- several years before -- watching an Errol Flynn swashbuckler on Denis' bedroom TV set. A pimply-faced Rich suggests it might be fun for them to re-enact the big dueling scene with certain rampant appendages standing in for swords.

[This ongoing, frequent debate between Denis and Rich as to whether Rich might actually be gay -- during which asides Rich vehemently denies it and Denis insists it wouldn't matter if he was -- becomes tiresome and annoying after its second or third installment. Thus it's particularly disappointing when -- after so much has been made of the issue -- it's abandoned to ambiguity in the final reel.]

Surprisingly to Denis (though not to us, who've by now seen the TV promos), Beth Cooper actually shows up at Denis and Rich's after-graduation party. (At which they are the only attendees.) She comes not alone, but with her sultry, sashaying companions (known collectively and reverentially as "The Trinity") in tow. Cammy (Lauren London) is the hot, imperious black chick, and Treece (Lauren Storm) is the slutty blond one. Their arrival is filmed in obligatory glamour-cam slo-mo with down-and-dirty rock & roll accompaniment, to drive home the point that these are, in fact, the hottest high school babes ever.

The scene that follows -- during which the socially inept Denis and Rich make virginal fools of themselves in front of the worldly-wise popular girls -- is filled with uncomfortable silences, as all the hackneyed juvenile embarrassment gags in the book are trotted out, including champagne cork-popping accidents and inadvertent condom exposure. It should surprise no one when cardboard heavy Kevin shows up with his attendant hand-men (who might as well be named "Right" and "Left") to terrorize the wimpy nerds while the amused damsels watch from the sidelines.

One damsel, however -- Beth Cooper herself -- is not so amused, having at some point perceived the one-dimensional Kevin for what he really is (a vacuous blowhard) and deciding she deserves better. So by the time Denis and Rich succeed in escaping from the house, she's in the process of driving her car around to rescue the boys from the brutes. Only, she forgets to stop, impacting Denis and sending him spinning down the block.

Which exemplifies the sort of gags typically encountered in the movie: they are just too painful to be funny. Like the rose thorns that end up embedded in Denis' scarred-up face after his leap from the second floor window. (Are we really supposed to laugh as he pulls them out?)

You could chart the course of the remaining scenes using any number of previous genre films as a guidebook and never once lose your way. We're talking wild party at the rich girl's house; trip to the Quickie Mart in an (underage) attempt to buy beer; encounter with a snarling raccoon on a darkened forest roadway (O.K., you got me -- that one was completely unexpected -- and totally non sequitur); a cow-tipping episode, during which one of the characters steps in gooey poop; a drunken make-out session (off-camera) in the isolated cabin owned by one of the girls' dads; and a sappy romantic sunup tete-a-tete between the two leads, during which they both discover how much they actually had to learn from each other, even though they share nothing in common.

ZZZZ ... zzzz ...

My biggest problem with the film -- aside from its unremittingly derivative content -- lies in the casting choice of Rust as the male lead. He looks so mature (downright wizened, at times) that I simply couldn't suspend disbelief to the level of imagining him as a kid just graduated from high school. (He also looks distractingly like Bob Newhart's dentist friend Jerry (Peter Bonerz), but that's a complaint of a different order.)

Panettiere is serviceable as Beth, though her oddly cynical character lacks the sweetness that fans of her Claire Bennet television persona are likely to miss.

From an acting standpoint, the highlight of the ensemble turns out to be Jack Carpenter, who delivers an enthusiastic and endearing performance. He also looks and acts like an actual high school kid, which goes quite a long way all by itself. This promising young actor is a player to watch for in future roles.