by Todd Maternowski

Wherefore art thou, Sergei?

Greetings, impatient hockey fans! Last week we graded the Dallas Stars free agent signings with the Fine-Toothed Comb of Sweeping Generalizations. But there was one crucial omission from that all-encompassing report (two actually): the enigmatic Crazy Ivan himself, the Professor of Smoove, the Boss Cow from Moscow: Sergei Zubov.

Zubov has been characteristically silent as a KGB assassin about his NHL (KHL?) future, and you have to figure that if someone was going to throw a serious wad of cash his way, it would've happened by now. His agent, Jay "Don't Call My Rex" Grossman said 6-7 teams are interested (although really, it should be more like 30), and that Zubs will be 100% by the start of the season.

Now, it may seem like high heresy to Stars fans to even think of Sergei wearing another team's jersey -- but with little to no word coming from, well, any source ever, I took it upon myself to test the boundaries of that two-mile restraining order (I swear that stupid judge with the god complex took it out on me personally after I made that joke about his unborn child), and, disguised as Valeri Bure, I was able to infiltrate Stars High Command and get a glimpse of the back workings of any possible Zubovian deal.

STARS HIGH COMMAND: SHINY NEW GM JOE NIEUWENDYK'S THRONE ROOM

LORD NIEUWENDYK: mutters to self ... now where did I leave that napkin?

A cowering man in rags enters, bows furtively

BRETT HULL IN TATTERS: Lord Nieuwendyk, Master of All He Surveys! We have a visitor! A great warrior from the distant past!

LORD NIEUWENDYK: Enter!

A swarthy, mysterious man effortlessly glides into the room. Armed ninjas try and stop him, but are somehow deked out of their clothes as the silent stranger breezes past them

LORD NIEUWENDYK: Who is The One who can make my ninjas look like fat little girls?

SILENT STRANGER: (says nothing)

BRETT HULL IN TATTERS: His name is Zubov, our Lordship! Sergei Zubov! He comes from afar!

LORD NIEUWENDYK: Ahhh, my old friend! It is good to see you after all these years.

SERGEI ZUBOV: (nods quietly) I have come for work. I wish to join you in your upcoming campaign against the Duck-Men of the West. My weapons crave the blood of the cannibals from San Jose. And I have unfinished business with the Red Men of the North.

LORD NIEUWENDYK: We could certainly use a killing machine of your caliber, Sergei! How are your recent battle injuries?

SERGEI ZUBOV: By the beginning of your campaign, I will be 100%.

LORD NIEUWENDYK: Excellent!

SERGEI ZUBOV: ... and I demand forty fist-sized rubies, thirty Belorussian whores and a hovercraft in payment.

LORD NIEUWENDYK: (pauses, looks uncomfortable) N-n-n-now Sergei, even I have heard of the devastating blow you took to your hip recently, and with your advanced age ...

SERGEI ZUBOV: (narrows eyes) What are you trying to say, old friend?

LORD NIEUWENDYK: (looses wolf pelt, squirms awkwardly in skull-encased throne) It's just that, you know, that's a lot of rubies ... and whores ...

BRETT HULL IN TATTERS: But our treasury is empty! We can't affo--

LORD NIEUWENDYK: Silence, insolent cur!! pulls lever, Hull screams and falls to the ground doubled in pain. I apologize for that, my friend. But we recently spent twice our treasury on Emperor Hicks' failed irrigation experiment, and it's just that--

SERGEI ZUBOV: Hmmpf. I suppose I can take my talent elsewhere. The rich port cities of the East will gladly pay twice what I have asked here to-day.

LORD NIEUWENDYK: (nervously fingers scepter) We can offer you a special deal, where you keep what you kill? I hear the cannibals of San Jose have numerous ingenious trinkets and gadgets, and the Duck-Men of the West have innumerable whores, with breasts of sand and skin smoother than the finest lamb skins in our best tanneries.

SERGEI ZUBOV: I will ponder your offer while restlessly wandering the steppes. Good-day, Lord Joe. (turns to smoke, slips through the cracks in the floorboards)

LORD NIEUWENDYK: I feel like my best was not enough. I have failed Emperor Hicks.

LES JACKSON: (emerges from shadows behind the throne) My Lord, there is another ...

LORD NIEUWENDYK: (startles from chair) What's this? Who?! Show him to me!

IVAN VISHNEVSKIY: (steps over two ninja corpses with supernatural grace) My liege ...

To Be Continued...

Well, there you have it, top-notch investigative journalism with a modern twist. Tune in next week when I laud the Stars for their progressive, all-inclusive views on sexuality after signing winger Alex Tanguay to a three-year, $12 million contract.

What do you think?