Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday Morning Cupcheck — Gary Bettman on Twitter
Greetings, bored-to-tears hockey fans! While absolutely zero events of any notability occurred since we last discussed the Favre-ian tragedy unfolding in our midst, all is not lost! July may be the slowest month in all of sports ... on the surface ... but for those of us with incriminating photos and a lifelong grudge, it can actually be quite edutaining.
Pictured: Bettman enjoying a little R&R with Twitter for Dummies.
Some of you readers may already be familiar with a certain "technology" called Twitter, which allows fabulous celebrities to have meaningful conversations with their adoring fans. Well, prepare to have your lives even further enriched, as I have found the Holy Grail of Twitter feeds: Gary "Holla Back" Bettman himself. Don't ask me how I found it -- the things I've seen in Bettman's Inner Sanctum would make even the hardiest Russian blackmarket organ harvester cringe.
# wings fans are the biggest chodes i have ever clandestinely manipulated. they're going to HATE what's in store for them in 2010 10:23AM July 22nd from CloudGiantGary
# just realized how strange it is all the montreal players were allstars. pretty impressive. think it'll happen again? 9:14 July 21st from CloudGiantGary
# who is your favorite person in human history, and why? is it me? 11:44 PM July 20th from CloudGiantGary
# you haven't lived until you've gotten a half-naked bearhug from brian burke 2:02 AM July 15th from CloudGiantGary
# bob gainey just sunk my BETTLESHIP! lol 1:34 PM July 11th from CloudGiantGary
# i wore my thong to the press conference again. note to self: larry brooks is not an arse-man. 4:53 PM July 10th from ShizCommiz
# what does 'low hanging fruit' mean? 3:01 AM July 8th from ShizCommiz
# this is your last night on earth, dany heatley 4:01 PM July 5th from ShizCommiz
In related news, Toronto GM Brian Burke, pictured, lies in wait patiently for his inevitable rise to NHL commissioner.
# i have a special power that alerts me to when people make fun of me 2:02 AM July 4th from ShizCommiz
# who wants to become bettbuddies? 1:57 AM July 4th from ShizCommiz
# i haven't always been this cute. i used to be quite the badass WTF? 12:01 PM July 3rd from ShizCommiz
# still no word back on my idea for a reality show on bravo 9:38 AM July 2nd from BabyGotBett
# does alexei kovalev have a sister named alexei kovalev? she'd probably be pretty hot jessayin' 8:01 AM July 2nd from BabyGotBett
# that was the best tofrutti i ever had!!!!!!!1!1 5:09 PM July 1st from BabyGotBett
# i technically might not be the best commish in nhl history 4:44 PM July 1st from BabyGotBett
# holy crap! why didn't anyone tell me free agency was today? i guess i'll get my cornrows done next month. 4:30 PM July 1st from BabyGotBett
# foolish mortals!! 3:01 PM July 1st from BabyGotBett
# lookin fwd to makin history 2day; first commish of any major sport with cornrows OMGrite? 10:01 AM July 1st from BabyGotBett
# who are these strange men? 3:39 AM July 1st from BabyGotBett
Obviously, our beloved league is in good hands under this philosopher-king. Tune in next week when NHL Inconsistency Czar Colin Campbell calls me to the carpet for my crimes against Bettmanity.
