Thursday, July 30, 2009
Thursday Morning Cupcheck — Trash-Talking Primer
Greetings, rare and elusive hockey fans! Last week, we divulged the top-secret mysteries of Gary Bettman's Twitter account -- this week, I was planning on writing about all the new and wonderful things in the land of the Dallas Stars, when it hit me: Why milk the news moonscape of late July hockey when I should be doing the same thing the players are? The players are training, recuperating, and otherwise honing their craft; as dedicated fans of the sport, should we not be doing the same? Should we not be rising our level of commitment to meet theirs? Shouldn't we become great enough fans of the sport to where they must pay us to watch these games?
It's not going to happen by accident, compadre. True fan skillz are trained-until-ingrained, the result of hard work, dedication, and mainlining Red Bull in the cheap seats. So, until the Stars have something worthwhile to report, here's the first part of my 407-part series on Off-Season Fan Workouts: Trash Talking Primer. I would've included ready-made insults for all 30-odd NHL teams, but some teams, like the Atlanta Bumblesnuffs, are simply too far below an acceptable level of Low Hanging Fruit. Use these wisely, expand upon their wisdom and fan logic, and you will go far, kemosabe.
Pictured: Hockey fans often have trouble adjusting during the long summer months.
Each team -- or at least the ones worth the cheap shot -- will be given three levels of trash-talking smack: Noob, Haxor and Boss-Level.
Noob Level: "Second place is first loser!"
Haxor Level: "Next year, try tanking ten or so games, so you can avoid the Game 7 Home Ice Curse."
Boss-Level: "Those 11-year lifetime contracts won't look so good in 2012 when Zetterberg and Franzen are ripping copper tubing from Joe Louis Arena."
Chicago Blackhawks
Noob Level: "Dial 9 on the fax machine to get an outside line."
Haxor Level: "Do these Blackhawks have large Tallons?"
Boss-Level: "The Cubs just won the World Series? Ahhhh sh*t."
Vancouver Canucks
Noob Level: "Who put Borat in goal?"
Haxor Level: "Last night I had an amazing dream about two highly-skilled Swedish twins who disappeared in the playoffs."
Boss-Level: "No worries, at the next CBA they'll make a rule to where you can finally have seven goalies on the ice at all times."
Colorado Avalanche
Noob Level: "These Avs mudflaps would look great on my double-wide!"
Haxor Level: "The Avs plan on retiring Ryan Smyth's number at next season's home opener."
Boss-Level: "Forsberg is coming back! Hah -- just kidding! Better hide that raging b$oner in the waistband of those sweatpants before you mom comes back down to the basement with your TV dinner."
Anaheim Ducks
Noob Level: "More like the Anaheim Mighty Sucks!"
Haxor Level: "Hey Selanne and Niedermayer! Brett Favre's on the phone, he says either sh*t or get off the can!"
Boss-Level: "Pronger's wife is happy they're moving to Philly. No competition."
Noob Level: "That's him! Joe Thornton! The man on the milk carton!"
Haxor Level: "WARNING - SAN JOSE SHARKS PRESENT CHOKING HAZARD FOR FANS AGES 0-93"
Boss-Level: "Is the Raiders game on?"
Pittsburgh Penguins
Noob Level: "More like Cindy Crys-by! Amirite? (air guitar)"
Haxor Level: "In the next CBA, the NHL Marketing Department will determine who gets the #1 overall pick."
Grainy footage of a Maple Leaf goaltender making a save?
Boss-Level: "So that's where Malkin gets his good looks from. And here I was thinking it was a one-night stand between Andre the Giant and a nesting doll."
Noob Level: "An armload of baguettes for the first forward who takes a shot on goal!"
Haxor Level: "On your 1000th anniverzaree, you can win, how you zay, ze Stanley Cup?"
Boss-Level: "You guys are so bad-ass, you had five All-Star starters and scrapped them all. That's just how good you are."
Noob Level: "When are you guys signing Bertuzzi?"
Haxor Level: "I can't wait for 'Free Battery Night'!"
Boss-Level: "I tried taking my girlfriend to the 700-level but it was just a bunch of gay dudes making out."
NY Rangers
Noob Level: "So how's that Redden thing working out?"
Haxor Level: "I just saw a homeless crack addict using Glen Sather's resume as a diaper."
Boss-Level: "Did Sean Avery's mom think 'lamaze' meant 'drinking contest'?"
Toronto Maple Leafs
Noob Level: "Hey, Toronto gets really cold. You gotta take that great springtime golfing weather when you can get it."
Haxor Level: "42 years is just a blip relative to the age of our solar system."
Boss-Level: "Igopogo is the next Pogge."
There you have it, hockey fans: some tried-and-true trash talking pointers for all levels of insane fandom. Tune in next week when we re-visit this topic for Part 2 of Off Season Fan Workouts: Streaking in the Penalty Box. My 204-page photo essay may surprise you.
