Thursday Morning Cupcheck: Two Coaches Enter, One Coach Leaves

by Todd Maternowski

Howdy, hockey hombres: All three of you astute readers may have noticed a strange lack of Cupcheck last week -- thankfully nothing of any importance whatsoever happened while I was gone -- as I was attending the birth of my baby girl, Lola Rogue Maternowski, who was born amid a tornado-and-lightning storm last Wednesday. Unfortunately, some inconsiderate buffoons in the league office decided to hold the final two games of the Detroit-Pittsburgh series despite my extreme sleep deprivation -- you haven't seen the last of my prank phone calls, Bettman!! -- but ultimately Detroit choked, my baby was healthy, and everybody wins!

There was some small, probably unnoticed business on the Dallas Stars' side of things last week. As some of you may already know, Shiny New GM Joe Nieuwendyk made the first official Decisive Move of his blessed reign on Wednesday, firing longtime head coach Dave Tippett and replacing him with fan favorite Marc Crawford. While the move has been thoroughly re-hashed by better writers than myself, it still begs the question: was it the right move for the Stars? Will the Stars become Kings East, or the 2010 version of the 1996 Avalanche?

As all four fans of the latest Rocky movie know, there's only one way to settle a theoretical coaching dispute: with a Tale of the Tape: Two Coaches Enter, One Coach Leaves. Here's the breakdown of the seven most important questions facing these men:

1. Coaching Style

Dave T.: Floats like a butterfly

Marc C.: Stings like a bee

Advantage: Tippett

2. Player-Coach Relations

Dave T.: Long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, holding hands

Marc C.: White-hot tire iron to the gnads

Advantage: Crawford

3. Mentoring Young Players

Dave T.: Strict limit of one glass of warm milk before bedtime stories

Marc C.: Minimum 110-hour workweek in the coal mine

Advantage: Tippett

4. Off-season Activities

Dave T.: Growing back the 'stache, cuddling

Marc C.: Drinking own urine, bear-baiting

Advantage: Crawford

5. Communication Skills

Dave T.: Sweet nothings

Marc C.: Yells at mirrors

Advantage: Tippett

6. Personal Hygiene

Dave T.: Waxes upper lip while waxing poetic

Marc C.: Combs his hair with bear saliva

Advantage: Crawford

7. Goals for the 2009-10 Dallas Stars

Dave T.: Beating them in the Stanley Cup Finals as revenge

Marc C.: Beating them with garden hoses full of buckshot

Advantage: Tippett

There you have it, with Tippett winning in a squeaker. Tune in next week when I enrage and arouse Detroit fans by calling for an official end to their made-up dynasty: Their slavish agreement and quietly nodding heads may surprise you.