Sunday, June 21, 2009

Eight movies your dad might like if he has head lice

By John P. Meyer

I suppose a word of explanation is in order.

We track metrics on the site that tell us which stories receive the most hits; we do this daily. And I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but -- day in and day out, for about as long as it's been on the site -- this story posted by our pal Chad Jones has routinely led the hit parade.

That's right: a Collin County public health news release coming up on two years old routinely gets visited more frequently than all the insightful movie reviews, in-depth city council candidate one-on-ones, and hot tips about new dining establishments that we work so diligently to produce. (Why this is the case has to do with vagaries of search engine mechanics that I'll refrain from delving into. Because that's another story.)

Anyway, I figure: people want head lice? We'll give 'em head lice. And here's a nice dust mite thrown in for good measure, just in case that's the way your arthropod-philia rolls.

The following movies are all notable for subject matter involving parasites, infestations or bugs (mostly REALLY BIG bugs) which are, in every instance, more vile and damaging than anything likely to have attached itself to the curly locks of even the most sociable dear old dad on the planet. This will hopefully have a cathartic effect on your nit-infested papa -- maybe make him forget about his own itchy, twitchy troubles for a while.

(Oh -- and they're also really, really fun to watch, matters of infestation aside.)

*****

Rabid: "Shooting down the victims is as good a way of handling them as we've got."

This early Cronenberg effort brought Marilyn Chambers (God rest her Ivory Snow soul) from the relative obscurity of porndom into the world of (sort of) mainstream cinema. It also establishes Cronenberg's fetish-like penchant for additional bodily orifices.

Order the DVD from Amazon. (Or wherever.)

Fiend Without a Face "I believe that it feeds on the radiation from your atomic plant. And that it's EVIL."

One of the greatest uses for the .30 M-1 carbine ever devised. This cheesy '50's sci fi features creatures that are initially invisible, but later are revealed to be (and I don't remember how they become visible, but I'm sure it makes perfect sense) ambulatory brains with integral vertebral columns, which attach themselves to hapless hosts and choke the bejeezus out of 'em. (Which is where the M-1 carbines come into play.)

Much worse than head lice, let me assure you.

Buy it from the Criterion Collection, complete with a rare stills gallery and an Illustrated essay on British sci-fi/horror filmmaking by film historian Bruce Eder. (Or rent it from Netflix.)

The Thing "You gotta be fucking kidding."

This 1982 John Carpenter remake of the 1951 original pulls out the stops on over-the-top gore and Alien-like creepiness, blending accumulating dread and claustrophobic Antarctic isolation with wicked, acidic wit. Kurt Russell at his finest (and I mean that in a good way).

On Netflix here.

The Quatermass Xperiment (a.k.a. The Creeping Unknown) "Warn everyone not to touch anything unusual they may find in the street."

This tale of an astronaut returned from space with a deadly secret established the benchmark for Hammer Studios horror/sci-fi projects when it premiered in 1956. Director Val Guest went on to make When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth and Au Pair Girls. (Quite a range.)

Buy it here.

The Mist "Are those bugs?" "Not like any I've ever seen."

For someone (like your Dad) who grew up on a diet of shambling monsters and science experiments gone horribly awry, this may be the most enjoyable new movie of the current century. Frank Darabont directs from the Stephen King novella. Features the darkest ending of any film in recent memory. (Good creature feature stuff.)

On Netflix.

The Outer Limits: episode The Zanti Misfits "BZZZZZZZZ ..." "AAARGH!"

Yes, I know, this isn't really a movie, but the whole time I was trying to come up with candidates for this "bug-oriented" feature I kept coming back to this image in my head of an oversized spider with the (sort of) face of a human. It finally came to me: The Outer Limits. This episode chilled me as a kid, and since I'm old enough to be your father (though free of head lice - as far as I know), it qualifies for the list.

You're looking for Season 1, Episode 14 from Dec. of '63.

Starship Troopers "You kill anything that has more than two legs. You get me?"

When selecting the ultimate bug hunt flick, I might easily have gone with Aliens -- too easily, in fact, which is why I'm instead choosing Paul Verhoeven's orgiastic, firepower-heavy, goo-splattering, Robert Heinlein-inspired opus. Nothing brings humanity together like a threatened annihilation by behemoth creepy-crawlies.

Re-Animator "I've never done whole parts before."

Featuring a ripped-from-Psycho, fingernails-on-chalkboard score (thanks, Bernard Herrmann-as-channeled-by-Richard-Band), and using an H.P. Lovecraft short story for its source material, this cult classic from the '80s presents a rather extreme solution for head lice: off with his head!

Stuart Gordon would later direct a couple of other Lovecraft pieces, including Dagon and Dreams in the Witch House (as an episode of the Showtime Masters of Horror series).

Netflix here.

*** BONUS FILM: Lifeforce

While this 1985 movie has little to do with head lice or other sorts of bugs, the lead actress' tendency to walk around the set sans clothing of any sort should have an infectious (get it?) appeal to dads of all ilks. (Well, most ilks, anyway). Mathilda May made an auspicious, high-profile, low wardrobe-budgeted U.S. debut in Tobe Hooper's wacky apocalyptic thriller based on a Colin Wilson novel called The Space Vampires.

Here's yer Netflix.

Happy Father's Day!

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• Holidays > Father's Day

Comments

alexander troup Verified

Love the work here Mike, and the Peg crew....keep it up and have a good first day of summer too....A/T, my birthday too...

4 months, 2 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

John Meyer Staff

Happy birthday, A.T.

4 months, 2 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Jason Rice Verified

Happy BD AT. Yay! Here's to another weird year on this rock.

4 months, 2 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

alexander troup Verified

Thanks Crew at the Pegasus News.....it is difficult having to defind the 55 Chevy these day...while I still have my old engine block...,new tires is all I need for my Almish wagon....and the best to all of you in 2009, lets keep Dallas informed...Thank You...A/T, Another notch, to say.... above ground is great...

4 months, 2 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )