Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - A Complete Guide to Drafting History
Hola, mis amigos de hockey. Last week we saw the grisly, unprintable results of Dave Tippett vs. Marc Crawford: Beyond Thunderdome; this week, I was planning on penning my annual socioeconomic treatise Who's Better: Ranking the Ethnicities, when I casually glanced at my commemorative Hotel for Dogs calendar and realized it's almost Draft Day!
For those of you who found this hockey article via some unsavory google search --I'm looking at you, iluvamoebapoon768@hotmail.com -- Draft Day is like SuperChristmas for the fans of every team that won't be hanging a championship banner in their arena in three months. It's a time of hope eternal, of fresh starts and new beginnings, of grown men wearing team jerseys drooling over 18 year-old Canadian farmboys. There's nothing quite like it in all of human endeavour: but what, exactly, are the Draft's historical roots? After decades of poring over eldrytch scrolls and arcane excel spreadsheets, I've been able to cobble together a precise and historically accurate timeline of the development of the Draft, from it's humble beginnings to it's all-encompassing future.
1212 A.D.: A large group of starry-eyed children with big dreams and hopes of playing for Team Christianity leave their farms behind and travel to the Holy Lands, where they are caught by unscrupulous merchants and sold into slavery. And thus the Draft was born.
1293 A.D.: With the third selection in the Draft, the Mongols select a promising young Greek chilidog rancher named Chris Chelios. With the fourth pick, the Vanir raiders of Thulsa Doom would select noted pugilist Arnold Schwarzenegger, but would later trade his rights to Crom.
1493 A.D.: After nearly 200 consecutive disappointing draft classes, Team Europe is given a boost after Christopher Columbus' remarkably successful scouting trip to the New World. The quality of the draft picks would be further improved with successive scouting trips to Africa over the next four centuries.
1675 A.D.: Renowned Renaissance scientist, poet and progressive thinker Mel Kiper Jr. invents the world's first time machine, in order to travel forwards to an era where he could stop the insidious Draft before it was too late.
1865 A.D.: After four years of legal proceedings stemming from draft irregularities The South agrees to, it ignores draft concessions outlined by The North.
1929 A.D.: Allen "Al" Davis is born -- spawned from the tortured back of an ice demon in the seventh circle of Hell -- forever changing the basic foundational premises of drafting logic.
1934 A.D.: The Portsmouth Spartans reluctantly relocate to Detroit, where, as the Detroit Lions, they usher in a new age of draft history consistency.
1958 A.D.: Elvis is drafted into the U.S. military, where he single-handedly defeats the high-in-fat North Koreans by devouring them, using his powerful mandibles.
1970 A.D.: The Los Angeles Clippers are born, spending the next four decades becoming unparalleled experts in the science of Drafting in the Top Five.
1996 A.D.: The San Antonio Spurs perfect an ancient Houston Rockets strategy of Tanking for The Top, deliberately losing games in order to acquire the first pick in the next year's Draft. The unmitigated success of this strategy causes fanbases in Detroit and Los Angeles to demand their teams do the same -- which they promptly do for the next 13+ consecutive seasons.
2002 A.D.: The Detroit Lions cleverly exploit a loophole in the draft, selecting nothing but wide receivers -- The Most Important Position in All of Sports -- with their next fifteen first-round picks.
2004-05 A.D.: After half a decade of trying the Spurs' tank-and-draft strategy, the Pittsburgh Penguins alter the paradigm dramatically by accidentally selecting two of the most amazing players in NHL history in back-to-back seasons.
2008 A.D.: The unquestioned brilliance of the Detroit Lions' drafting strategy is further confirmed when Dallas Cowboys owner extraordinaire Jerry Jones trades three draft picks for one of Detroit's plethora of quality first-round wide receivers.
Last Night A.D.: Crackhouse Orgy changes draft history by unanimously using all of their first round picks to select your mom, causing rival league Hobo Sex Party to file a frivolous but ultimately unnecessary lawsuit.
2012 A.D.: After decades of exponentially-increasing importance, the Draft becomes sentient, leading to apocalyptic horrors no living being should have to witness.
That's it for this week's Cupcheck History Lesson. Tune in next week when I break down the faults and foibles of the two newest Dallas Stars, John Tavares and Victor Hedman.
