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Content from our friends over at Barking Dogs

Monday, March 9, 2009

10 simple rules for surviving St. Patrick’s Day

by Avi Adelman of Barking Dogs

Barking Dogs was going to write a long and eloquent story about the social, cultural and financial impact of the St. Patrick's Day drinking festival next weekend.

But then he figured, why bother? Very little new can be written about an event that trashes out a residential community on an annual basis, all for the profit of five or six business owners who really don't give a shit about us.

That said, we've boiled the key points of our thoughts into ten simple sentences. Print them out, carry them with you, and when you are puking your guts out on the shoes of a DPD officer, remember one thing - we warned you not to come.

Click here for the neighborhood parking map.

Click here for Council Member Angela Hunt's flyer to the neighborhood.

Unless you can fly on your own power or have a private helicopter, do not even think of driving to this event. Take a taxi, take DART, take a hike. Then leave quickly.

No Parking means just that - There is no parking for you within two miles of the party zone. We really don't want you here and we have taken over all the streets in the neighborhood just to make sure you can't park here.

There are ten tow trucks just waiting for you to walk away from your car so they can grab it. We will even call and tell them where to find your car. And it will cost you $200 to get your car back.

There will be 1,000s of cops patrolling the party and the neighborhood. As soon as you leave that drinking cage, you are fair game for them (and us).

Two neighborhood associations (BelmontNA and Vickery Place NA) made serious and thoughtful suggestions for ways to minimize the impact of 35,000 drunks invading our neighborhood, most of which were accepted by the police. One neighborhood association (Lower Greenville NA) is paid off by the bars an undisclosed but obscene amount of money (we think it's 30 pieces of silver) to plant the No Parking signs. They opposed all the thoughtful suggestions proposed by the other associations. Maybe it's time for some new neighborhood leadership?

The bar owners will earn more than $250,000 in one day. The City of Dallas will spend $40,000 of our taxpayer money to protect the drunks from the residents, and vice versa. Why?

If you are hosting a private party in the neighborhood and charge your guests an admission fee, your party will be shut down by the DPD and the TABC. The TABC will haul your drunk ass to jail, where they will test your blood and your sanity. It will be painful.

This is a no-refusal weekend for DPD. If you are busted for DWI, you will have no right to refuse a blood test, unless you want to see your license suspended. If you are really nice, they may even use a clean needle.

Dozens of volunteers planted thousands of No Parking signs on our streets. If you pull even one sign out of the ground, we will beat you over the head with it.

The party should be moved to Fair Park. But half the guests are scared to go to Fair Park for any reason, and the other couldn't find it when they are sober. The bar owners will complain there are not enough blacks of Irish descent to make a profit.

Pegasus News content partner - Barking Dogs

Staff
Verified User
Anonymous

Hey, this is unfair, I want to swear, too!

Pavel Lishin Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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I get the distinct impression that Avi had a birthday party when he was a child and nobody showed up. That would explain the gaping wound.

jtmbls Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Can somebody please post Avi's address? There is a large group of us who would like to vomit on his front doorstep. What kind of idiot lives in an entertainment district and bitches about a festive neighborhood. Here is a bright idea Avi, you should move to vegas and bitch about gambling.

Dallas_Grown Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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If this guy could ever be a bigger douchebag, I am just not sure how. I live down on Ross, I bike the whole day. I am as much a resident as douchey is, yet he says,

"We really don't want you here and we have taken over all the streets in the neighborhood just to make sure you can't park here."

Douchey needs to change his we's to I's, or even better, pick his meddlin backside up and move to Garland- or at least a neighborhood association in North Dallas, where he can bitch and moan to his hearts content about someone leaving their garage door open for more than the 1/2 hour precribed in the CC&R's.

Robert Kelly Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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With a little racial pandering to boot! Everyone, do yourself a favor and check out the barkingdogs website. Its equally hilarious. Apparently lower Greenville is on a "descent into hell"!

xian Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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If you are really nice, they may even use a clean needle.

I'm sure DPD appreciates your implication that they use dirty needles.

Scott Doyle Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Oh you're right! Check out this little quote from his site - "The BelmontNA is the only neighborhood association in Dallas not allowed to join the Dallas Homeowners League, due to our very independent and pro-active attitude."

LMAO! Wow, when you get snubbed by a bunch of HOA aholes...That should really, really tell you something!

jtmbls Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Wow, damn. Good find, jtmbls. I don't really even have any words (except the ones I already typed.)

Pavel Lishin Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Dallas_Grown...are you familiar with the acronym DCAD?

Travis Bush Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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I tried entering his name in the DCAD but no address pops up. I'm sure I'll eventually get Ari's address. He posted a list of people's names who have been arrested for public intoxication before they have been legally convicted in the court of law. So anytime an employer googles that persons name it will show up on his drunk list. That's defamation to somebodies character if that person ends up winning his case in court. I would like to provide those hundreds of people his address

Dallas_Grown Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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(This comment was removed by the site staff.)

Dallas_Grown Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago

Dallas_Grown,

Sorry, I know it's public information, but we don't allow the posting of addresses on our site, especially when you have an axe to grind against the person whose address you're posting.

Alex Bentley Staff

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Thank you for removing that, Alex. It would be far too tempting to pass out drunk on Avi's front lawn otherwise.

Pavel Lishin Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Dang it! I just set my eggs out to rot!

jtmbls Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Better watch out or, according to his website, Avi might kick you in your kankles!

“This past Spring, when BD was a student at the DPD's Citizens Academy, he learned how to drop a perp with a swift but well placed kick across the ankles. That may not be much to you, but it sure came in handy last August when BD dropped a shoplifter carrying about $50 worth of barbecue ribs in his pants (http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfai...

jtmbls Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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LOL talking all that smack and having your address a matter of public record isn't really a good idea. If anything, his language in this "article" is terribly inflammatory and could be construed as an invitation.

Travis Bush Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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I, for one, wonder who all these "we" people are that are going to call. I'm imagining Avi's house full of malcontents with binoculars.

I mean, that's who I always imagine it, except usually it's just him.

Pavel Lishin Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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My apologies for posting Avi's home address. I thought maybe somebody would like to send him a nice batch of cookies. I was shocked to find out this idiot lives basically on the front line of all the action. I feel no sypmathy for a guy who lives line of sight of all the bars on greenville. At least now I know who's yard to pee on. I think I'll twitter his address to the drunken masses on st. patty's day, we will make sure to say hello

Dallas_Grown Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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I think when he says "we" he means himself and Barking Dog or BD as he so lovingly refers to himself. Kinda like Clarke Kent and Superman. Or not.

Dallas - They have more information than you would ever want to know - including a link to his "professional website" - over at the Observer. Check out some of the comment threads to a few of the articles that include him. You are not alone.

jtmbls Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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"Kinda like Clarke Kent and Superman. Or not."

Surely you mean Midnighter...

Travis Bush Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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This article has many more than 10 sentences. Unless he meant there are only ten simple ones. Because many of them are compound sentences.

Clay213 Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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I knew Clay would have to weigh in!

Click

good point

Jason Rice Verified

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Maybe he meant ten paragraphs? But there are 12 unless we discount his two links.

Clay213 Anonymous

8 months, 2 weeks ago
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That No Parking map is essentially why Dallas will never have a vibrant night life or youth culture.

Dallas actively tries to strangle and choke out any kind of entertainment. Granted I could care less about drinking and St Patricks Day parties.. but I at least understand the necessity of it.