Monday, March 9, 2009
10 simple rules for surviving St. Patrick’s Day
Print them out, carry them with you, and when you are puking your guts out on the shoes of a DPD officer, remember one thing - we warned you not to come.
Barking Dogs was going to write a long and eloquent story about the social, cultural and financial impact of the St. Patrick's Day drinking festival next weekend.
But then he figured, why bother? Very little new can be written about an event that trashes out a residential community on an annual basis, all for the profit of five or six business owners who really don't give a shit about us.
That said, we've boiled the key points of our thoughts into ten simple sentences. Print them out, carry them with you, and when you are puking your guts out on the shoes of a DPD officer, remember one thing - we warned you not to come.
Unless you can fly on your own power or have a private helicopter, do not even think of driving to this event. Take a taxi, take DART, take a hike. Then leave quickly.
No Parking means just that - There is no parking for you within two miles of the party zone. We really don't want you here and we have taken over all the streets in the neighborhood just to make sure you can't park here.
There are ten tow trucks just waiting for you to walk away from your car so they can grab it. We will even call and tell them where to find your car. And it will cost you $200 to get your car back.
There will be 1,000s of cops patrolling the party and the neighborhood. As soon as you leave that drinking cage, you are fair game for them (and us).
Two neighborhood associations (BelmontNA and Vickery Place NA) made serious and thoughtful suggestions for ways to minimize the impact of 35,000 drunks invading our neighborhood, most of which were accepted by the police. One neighborhood association (Lower Greenville NA) is paid off by the bars an undisclosed but obscene amount of money (we think it's 30 pieces of silver) to plant the No Parking signs. They opposed all the thoughtful suggestions proposed by the other associations. Maybe it's time for some new neighborhood leadership?
The bar owners will earn more than $250,000 in one day. The City of Dallas will spend $40,000 of our taxpayer money to protect the drunks from the residents, and vice versa. Why?
If you are hosting a private party in the neighborhood and charge your guests an admission fee, your party will be shut down by the DPD and the TABC. The TABC will haul your drunk ass to jail, where they will test your blood and your sanity. It will be painful.
This is a no-refusal weekend for DPD. If you are busted for DWI, you will have no right to refuse a blood test, unless you want to see your license suspended. If you are really nice, they may even use a clean needle.
Dozens of volunteers planted thousands of No Parking signs on our streets. If you pull even one sign out of the ground, we will beat you over the head with it.
The party should be moved to Fair Park. But half the guests are scared to go to Fair Park for any reason, and the other couldn't find it when they are sober. The bar owners will complain there are not enough blacks of Irish descent to make a profit.
Pegasus News Content partner - Barking Dogs