McKinneyNews.net interview: Dixie Longate

by Staff of McKinneyNews.net

Dixie Longate, with her devilish reputation for not being your grandma’s tempered Tupperware salesperson, is probably going to call you a hooker. She might even call you stupid. But don’t get your panties in a wad. “Hooker” and “stupid” are actually affectionate accolades, loving parlance from an obviously religious Southern woman (she’s from Alabama) traumatized by more than a couple of trips to the Joint for “little things.”

Ms. Longate, the (very) fast-talking ex-convict rumored to be a man turned national Tupperware sales queen, spoke to McKinneyNews.net by telephone Saturday afternoon in preparation for her landing in McKinney for a string of Tupperware parties that are in actuality interactive Tupperware shows modeled after her mid-2000s off-Broadway comedic act. Ms. Longate will perform/sell May 6-10 at the McKinney Performing Arts Center.

McKinneyNews.net: Let’s get this whole prison thing out of the way. You’ve been to prison?

Longate: Yeah. But just for the little things – really nothing. It was Thanksgiving and a turkey fell out of my dress. And they were like, “You’re shoplifting.” I told them I didn’t put no turkey in my dress – things like that.

McKinneyNews.net: You talk a lot about religion at your Tupperware parties. Did God tell you to sell Tupperware?

Longate: (Laughs) I don’t talk about religion all that much…You know, it was my parole officer. She was the one who inspired me. She said I had to get a job to get the kids back – it’s so stupid. That’s what happened. She turned me down the road toward Tupperware. The first party was so fun. There were free drinks at the party and I thought, “This is for me, this is it, this is forever.”

McKinneyNews.net: Your child is named Absorbine Jr. Are you aware Absorbine Jr is also an over-the-counter topical liquid pain reliever?

Longate: Oh, [the hospital] gave me some of that when I was delivering. You know, by the third one, you’re like, “Stop the pain now.” They gave me some Absorbine Jr for the pain, but put it in the name column instead of the pain column on the [medical] chart.

McKinneyNews.net: So Ben Gay, then, was never a name consideration?

Longate: No, thank the Lord. Can you imagine? That would have been terrible. After Absorbine Jr I said no more kids. Oh, it hurts coming out.

McKinneyNews.net: You’ve said that Tupperware cupcake couriers are perfect for sneaking Jell-O shots to church, that a shot or two “makes that sermon real fast." Does the preacher know his sermons are that boring?

Longate: No. We sneak it in and give it to him. It’s not that they’re boring; sometimes they go on forever. It’s the same damn story every time. It’s not like they make new editions of the Bible every year. We try to slip the preacher one of these Jell-O shots -- they’re red, they look just like wine -- when we take communion. The preacher has given me Jell-O shot recipes at covered dish dinners. You don’t just bring deviled eggs anymore. He knows what’s going on.

McKinneyNews.net: Some have said your parties are somewhat raunchy? Any truth to this?

Longate: (Exasperated) I talk some double entrendres and stuff. It’s not anything you won’t see on TV. Hooker, we get our hands dirty at them. I talk about things to keep people excited. You know, if someone takes offense, I tell them, “Shut up whore, you know you had sex; otherwise you wouldn’t be sittin’ here with your daughter.” People get all bent out of shape about the stupidest things.

McKinneyNews.net: The consumption of booze appears to figure prominently in your life. Have you gotten treatment?

Longate: No I never needed treatment. I couldn’t get through one of them things unless I had one big ol’ tumbler in a meeting. Them alcoholics don’t have no control. I have control; I know exactly when I’m picking it up and putting it in my mouth. I never spill my alcohol. I don’t have no alcoholic drinking problem. If the Lord didn’t want us to drink he wouldn’t have turned no water into wine. Some people would call him an enabler.

McKinneyNews.net: So, you’ve been divorced 18 times? Was the 18th any easier than the first?

Longate: The 18 times is just a rumor somebody wrote in some old newspaper. I’ve had three husbands. Sadly, none of them ended in divorce. All of them ended up dying. No more marriage for me. You don’t have to be married to have sex. I mean, what’s the saying about the cow? Why buy a cow when you can milk it for free? My mama tells me that, but I don’t pay no attention to her, she’s usually drunk.

McKinneyNews.net: You’ve mentioned that you’ve only recently realized Tupperware is for the kitchen. Mind explaining?

Longate: I used to put some of it in my bedroom and use it there. The colander has a big handle. I thought, “I know what I can use that for.”

McKinneyNews.net: You’re number one in Tupperware sales – or at least have been. Are you still number one?

Longate: Right now, I think I’m number eight. It’s been a slow year for me, about $95,000 in sales. Usually I double that. People are stupid, that’s one thing I’ve learned. I do these parties and talk about selling Tupperware and at the end of the show and they’re like, “You can’t really buy it here, right?” I’m like, “How much clearer can I be?”

McKinneyNews.net: Rumor floating around that you’re a guy dressed as a chick. What do you say to that?

Longate: How could somebody as pretty as me be a man? The long legs the luscious red hair -- when somebody sees somebody so pretty they gotta do something to undermine because they feel uncomfortable about themselves.

McKinneyNews.net: My grandma swears she got brain cancer from microwaving Tupperware. Any thoughts?

Longate: You know what, your grandmother sounds stupid. We have three lines developed for the microwave. They’re higher density plastic. That low-density crap from the grocery store – that’s the crap that starts to break down. Tell you grandmother I’m sorry.

McKinneyNews.net: So, for all the idiots out there, you do sell Tupperware at your shows and will be selling Tupperware at your McKinney shows, right?

Longate: That’s right. Bring your checkbooks and credit cards. They can all use some Tupperware; they can love all up on it.

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