Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Gary Bettman Hates the Detroit Red Wings

by Todd Maternowski

Greetings, hockey fans: here's hoping you were able to get to work safely today without getting elbowed in the throat by an NBA Golden Child. Last week, we fed feverishly on the fantastic foibles of the San Jose Sharks: this week, our love affair with the Anaheim Slightly Ducks continues as they bring the pain to NHL's Public Enemy #1, the Detroit Red Wings.

To the casual observer, the Ducks are halfway to pulling off quite the upset: a 2-1 series lead with the next game in Anaheim is nothing to sneeze at, particularly as the Red Wings have had historical difficulty beating physical teams in the past. But the real story was how the Red Wings 'lost' the pivotal Game 3, with this controversial no-goal call in the final minute.

This has led to confused and aroused Detroit fans like this potential alpha-male. Oops--heh--wrong tear-soaked fan base. But across the globe, Red Wings fans are irate, claiming a league-wide conspiracy involving Gary Bettman and referee Brad Watson. Fortunately, using my Mickey Rourke mask and a long, flowing golden mane of lush, healthy hair, I was able to infiltrate the deepest recesses of the NHL Head Office and retrieve some truly startling documents that seem to confirm what every Detroit Red Wing fan already knows.

MINUTES FROM TOP SECRET REF MEETING, AUGUST 4th, 1993

Gary Bettman: "Gentlemen, we are faced with a crisis of epic proportions here, and if we do not act quickly and decisively, all is lost."

Evil Refs: "You mean the impending CBA, the potential destructive impact of overexpansion or losing Canadian teams to the deep South?"

Bettman: "Of course not! I'm talking about how, ten minutes ago, I was copulating with Detroit owner Mike Ilitch and he refused to give me a reacharound. This abomination will not stand."

Evil Ref #2: "Is that why we're wearing these shrouds?"

Bettman: "As league commissioner, I have tremendous power to make or break any team as I see fit, and the responsibility to use said power at any and every opportunity. This is why I'm calling this meeting; gentlemen, we need to take down the Detroit Red Wings."

Evil Ref #3: "Want me to call a phantom holding penalty on them during Game 43 of the regular season?"

Bettman: "Not nearly enough. This travesty of a franchise needs to feel the full brunt of the NHL's Hammer of Vengeance. What unspeakable atrocities are we capable of?"

Evil Ref #1: "We could suspend their captain for adultery."

Evil Ref #4: "How about we trip a skater on a breakaway?"

Evil Ref #3: "Why not--wait a minute, why are we even talking about the Wings? Don't you realize that the Red Wings suck??"

Bettman: "True, the abyssal vortex known as Detroit doth suck harder than a black hole. And this is why we must follow through on our mission: gentlemen, I have made my decision. We will refuse to call a single penalty on the Red Wings for the next, oh, fifteen years."

Evil Refs: "WHAT!?!? BUT--"

Bettman: "Here me out, fellows! We will not call a single penalty on the Red Wings for 15 years, yet make sure that their opponents are hit for phantom calls in the final minutes of every game. We will not waver from this for even a single game, regular season and playoffs. This will lull the Red Wings Nation into a false sense of notsuckitude."

Evil Refs: (gawking) "...and then...??"

Bettman: "We shall "reward" Detroit with three, possibly four bogus Stanley Cups to set them up for the inevitable disappointment. And then, in a pivotal Game 3 against what they have incorrectly determined to be an inferior opponent, we will wait for them to score the game-tying goal, then blow the whistle to wave it off!! MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Evil Refs: "MUHAHHAHAHAAHAHAA!!"

Brad Watson/Evil Ref #4: "Ooo ooo!! Can it be me?!?"

Bettman: "Watson-san, you are my most loyal lieutenant. I would trust this important task to no other. This delicate plan requires the most skilled agents at my disposal to carry off. We shall crush the city of Detroit for what they've done!! Watson, fetch me a monogrammed adult diaper: I seem to have drooled all over my"---(unintelligible)

Well, that's just about as cut-and-dry as you can get. In other, non-Loser-related news, it seems a former plucky Stars forward is making a name for himself in the Eastern Conference playoffs. Astute Stars fans will know of whom I am speaking: longtime Cupcheck favorite and shootout specialist Jussi Jokinen. Last night Jussi scored the overtime backbreaker over the regular-season-phenom Boston Bruins, putting the underdog Hurricanes at a 2-1 advantage over the visiting Bruins. This, on the heels of scoring the unlikely game-winner with 0.2 seconds left in the pivotal Game 4 against the Devils, as well as the game-tying goal in the final minute of Game 7 that was shortly followed by Staal's game-winner to send New Jersey packing.

Is there anything this kid doesn't wait to do until the last second? Jokinen was a Manimal in the shootout for two seasons with the Stars, helping Dallas achieve a regular-season record it didn't really deserve. Jokinen was then thrown in to sweeten the Richards-Smith trade, was released by the trainwreck that is Tampa Bay, before getting claimed off waivers by Carolina.

Five goals later --three of which were absolutely huge-- Carolina is on their way to their second straight series upset, Jokinen is again waiting 59 minutes to turn his game on, and the Stars are left wondering "what if....?". Dallas could do a lot worse than to pick this guy up in the offseason; I'm on record as saying closers are the second-most overrated position in all of team sports (after wide receivers), but Jokinen seems to be making a case as hockey's first real Rollie Fingers.

That's it for this week's Cupcheck: tune in next week when I discuss which flowers are most appropriate for placing on the Red Wings' shallow grave.