Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Wild West Shootout

by Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week, we opened a can of unholy soul-searing terror in our Top Ten Hockey Horror Flicks; this week, I was planning on divulging Gary Bettman's twelve-step program to financial success (Step Four: Keep a straight face after losing billions of other people's money and simultaneously demanding a 30% raise), but after the Dallas Stars posted yet another overtime loss, it's time to slap the Stars upside-dey-head, clean out the summer's cobwebs and get this team on the right track towards, you know, winning games and stuff.

So how should the Stars, who now lead the NHL in overtime/shootout losses, turn those extra-frames upside-down? While overtime closely resembles real hockey, the shootout is a crapshoot -- a crapshoot that the Stars have approached with a limp-wristed, lose-first inevitability that continues to cost the team valuable points in the standings.

With a shootout goal here or a timely save there, the Stars could've converted those six losses into wins, and would be sitting atop the NHL with 24 points. As it is, they're a respectable 6th in the Western Conference, and a weirdly not-respectable fourth in the Pacific Division (thanks, Anaheim!). Here are eight tips for Closing the Game stolen directly from some of the world's top internet sales self-help sites.

Tip #1: Stick to a System -- Right now, watching the Stars in overtime and the shootout is like watching your grandparents trying google for the first time; too many options, too much information, too many decisions to make. Keep it as simple as possible: Eliminate the half-assed fancy stuff, charge the net, and hope for a rebound. Period. Overtime hockey is like sex: Stop overthinking, hit the crease with everything you've got and if you miss, gather up the rebounds and try it again.

Tip #2: Start Small -- An overtime win is a series of small commitments made one-at-a-time. We all know you want to score the game-winning goal so you can jump up and down on skates and man-hug your teammates; it doesn't normally happen on a flashy breakaway with 0.001 seconds left on the clock. Win a battle in the corner. Finish your check along the boards. Block a friggin' shot. Taking time to do the right things will always have better results than taking lazy shortcuts and hoping for a highlight-reel goal to fall into your lap. Save that stuff for the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Tip #3: Have a Sense of Urgency -- When the buzzer sounds after 60 minutes and it's still a tie, you've got five minutes to avoid the shootout; you know, that ridiculous, league-mandated circus trick that you totally suck at. So rather than dipsy-doodle in the neutral zone or see how many no-look drop passes you can execute as you enter the zone, remember that you've got to score and score now. Get it done, and get it done quickly; stop playing Hot Tomato and start playing Hockey.

Tip #4: Close Early and Close Often -- Getting into the habit of finishing these things as quickly as possible is crucial; as it stands, Stars fans know that a 60-minute tie will result in a disappointing loss. Get a few quick OT wins, and the possibility of a tie at the end of regulation becomes a warm and inviting prospect. Much like the warm and inviting prospects you'll experience in the hotel bar after an OT win.

Tip #5: Make More Than One Closing Attempt -- Taking a shot in OT is a great first step, but if your forwards are peeling off before the puck even hits the goalie's chest, you're engaging in unproductive "one and done" offense: great for opposing netminder's save percentage stats, not so great for your chances of scoring goals and winning. Get a shot, get 2-3 rebounds, cause mass chaos in front of the net and the game will more than likely come to a quick and enjoyable end.

Tip #6: Remain Calm -- Too often, Stars forwards will cause a turnover, skate unopposed into the opponent's zone and ... have the puck jump over their stick, leading to unforced errors and, more often than not, a lost scoring chance. Remain calm and confident in OT, and you'll be fine! There's still oxygen in the air and the world hasn't kerploded yet. Relax, skate towards the net, and launch your well-practiced wrist shot into the corner of the net. You know, like you've done four million times in your hockey career.

Tip #7: Keep Expectations Positive -- See Tip #4. You've got one point, now expect to get the second one. It's yours for the taking. You own the rink. Now go out and claim what's rightfully yours; a Division title will follow. Any other line of thinking will invariably result in shame and embarrassment.

Tip #8: Act Confident -- Turco used to have more swagger per square inch than any goalie this side of MegaHasek. Not only did he know the Stars would score on two of their first three shootout attempts (bring back Jokinen and Zubov!), but he knew he could stop two of three for the easy artificial victory. Remember those days, Stars fans? It's been awhile: Turco's athleticism is waning, while the shooters miss wide open nets or can't even get the shot off before weakly steering the puck into the enemy netminder's waiting pads. Are the Stars playing meekly at the start of the season in a well-calculated game of Rope-a-Dope, lulling the rest of the league into a false sense of complacency? Because that's exactly what it looks like after the five-minute OT expires.

Use these time-honored used-car sales tips wisely, young grasshoppers, and you will go far...ther than the Kings and Coyotes, who are inexplicably ahead of you right now in the Pacific Division standings (though not by much). Tune in next week when Brian Burke, Gary Bettman, and Sean Avery compete for fabulous cash and prizes in the first-ever episode of Hockey Jeopardy!: Their genius-level IQs may surprise you.