by John P. Meyer

Dan has the most credulous estranged family (and least savvy business clients) ever.

Really, the less said about director Walt Becker's Old Dogs -- his family comedy follow-up to the wacky and unpretentious Wild Hogs -- the better. So, here goes:

The slapstick physical humor in the film works really well.

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What, you want to hear more? (O.K., I warned you.)

Old Dogs, scripted by David Diamond and David Weissman, is a strictly by-the-numbers whitebread comedy that takes no risks whatsoever, and underachieves even at the level of unambitious family holiday fare.

Robin Williams and John Travolta star as Dan and Charlie, two sports marketing professionals at the top of their game. The agency they run has just been approached by a big Japanese firm interested in expanding their reach into the U.S., but they need to be convinced that Dan and Charlie's boutique agency can handle it.

As they approach their first meeting with the Japanese business big wigs, Dan begs Charlie to lay off that hoary old tale about how he (Dan) ended up with the word "Fremont" tattooed across his chest in florid serif script. But Charlie tells it anyway, because -- well -- he's that kind of storytelling guy, and without it, several key plot points yet to emerge would be a long time in emerging.

Plus, the fact that these foreign businessmen end up actually appreciating the humor value of the wild weekend narrative clues us in to the fact that they are likely to be putty in the hands of our marketing wonder boys.

Speaking of embedded plot points, we find out that the ever-steady Dan was cajoled by his lothario-like good buddy Charlie into letting his hair down during their long-ago trip to South Beach. In fact, he actually hooked up with a dazzling young woman named Vicki (played by the dazzling Kelly Preston). While their flame burned brightly for 24 hours or so, a brief sobering up period convinced them both that their impulsive get-together had probably been a bad idea, and they went their separate ways.

It's been seven years since the Vicki episode, when suddenly she reappears on Dan's New York-based radar and invites him out to lunch. And introduces him to his two fraternal twin children. WHAT THE ... ! That's right, Vicki's been raising the love children from their wild Miami weekend, and is just now getting around to telling him about it. Just one of the many additional forthcoming improbabilities in the film that you might want to start preparing yourself for.

Zach (Conner Rayburn) and Emily (Ella Bleu Travolta) are sweet enough kids, and frankly they're awfully accepting of this new reality they find themselves in: which is that they'll be living with a Dad they've never met before for the next couple of weeks, while their Mom is out of pocket. (In the sense of being in jail.)

O.K., that's pretty much the setup: Dan the well-seasoned bachelor has two six-year-old kids to take care of, and of course he'll be dragging his good buddy and business partner Charlie in on it (because Charlie dragged him to Miami to begin with). Meanwhile, Dan and Charlie are attempting to orchestrate a cross-cultural, multi-million dollar business deal.

Let the heavy-handed hilarity ensue.

Which it does on occasion, particularly when Dad and Uncle Charlie are talked into going on a weekend camping trip with the kids, which eventually finds them engaging in an ultimate frisbee match against some especially spirited antagonists. (Cue the clotheslining.) And then afterwards, when -- to soothe their many aches and pains -- they resort to a variety of pharmaceutical palliatives, which unbeknownst to them have been placed into the wrong pill-dispensers, thanks to the kids having spilled them and re-inserted them incorrectly without telling anyone. (I just hate it when that happens.)

Thus, at their big golfing luncheon with the Japanese captains of industry, Dan suffers from an intense impairment of depth perception which finds him invading everyone's space in ways ranging from socially unacceptable to physically debilitating. Charlie, meanwhile, finds his face drawn into a Joker-esque, rictus-like grin at the most inappropriate of moments.

Comedic elements (or, I should say, elements that were INTENDED to be comedic) that don't work so well include:

* Charlie's old dog's bladder control problem;

* The tried-and-true tanning salon accident episode; and

* The dad-taking-son-to-the-men's-room (for the first time) bit. (Which just doesn't cut it -- if you'll excuse the expression.)

Old Dogs takes its most ill-conceived wrong turns in the final reel, when we're expected to believe that a) Dan, having just reconciled with his beautiful long lost love and bonded with his two amazingly understanding children, decides to leave them because of a business opportunity; and b) when he comes to his senses and begs to get them back, they actually fall for it. (Chumps.)

The moral of this fatally-flawed story seems to be that if you're rich and can break into zoos, you can end up being a great dad. Even if you periodically seem to be trying to fail at it.

Williams still excels at physical comedy, and Travolta's still believable as a (downhill-trending) ladies man. Cameos of note include Rita Wilson as Vicki's friend Jenna (she's your typical cross-eyed handmodel) and Matt Dillon as a dead-earnest camp counselor named Barry. Bernie Mac makes his final bow in this film, as a puppeteer with a flair for technology named Jimmy Lunchbox.

Seth Green has a throwaway role as the bright young star in Dan and Charlie's firm who messes up their initial attempt at opening an office in Japan, and ends up (karma?) locked in the fierce embrace of a great ape with a fondness for pop music.

Speaking of which, the film serves as a platform for a variety of perky tunes, including songs by Bryan Adams, The Hives, and Shoukichi Kina and Champloose.

My advice: take some randomized pharmaceuticals before proceeding into the theater. (You'll thank me for this later.)

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