by Todd Maternowski

There is no excuse for this week's Cupcheck.

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we whipped out our purple markers and gave the Dallas Stars their pre-season grades; this week, it's the Day Everyone Has Been Drooling About -- Opening Day!

The first day of the NHL season is perhaps the greatest event in the lives of any hockey fan, easily and annually trumping relatively pedestrian, ho-hum events like weddings, funerals, and loss of virginity. The first day of the season serves two divine purposes for the average hockey fan: First, it wipes the slate clean of last season's inevitable disappointments, which more than likely either ended with a playoff loss or not making the postseason whatsoever; secondly, the first day re-sets the NHL standings at 0-0-0, meaning that -- if even for one fleeting millisecond -- Islander fans have the same hopes, dreams, and access to the Stanley Cup as fans in Detroit or Pittsburgh.

That said, this upcoming season has a highly mathematical probability of colossal failure for your particular team. With 14 of the 30 teams coming up short in the standings every season, and 15 of the remaining 16 ending their playoff dreams with a crushing loss, it's safe to say that the likelihood of your team putting it all together at the right time is zero to nil.

So what happens to this motley collection of losers at the end of their seasons, when the time has come to explain to their long-suffering fan bases that, once again, their favorite bunch of highly-paid underachievers has brought shame and dishonor to your city? Fortunately, I've provided a ready-made list of Awesome Hockey Loser Excuses for all 30 NHL teams. Feel free to add your own, Flyers fans -- we all know how you've got this process down to an art form.

Awesome Hockey Loser Excuses

Eastern Conference

Atlanta Thrashers: "We didn't get the level of production we expected from our forwards." Translation: "We never should have signed all those enigmatic Russians."

Boston Bruins: "Trying to replace Kessel's goals proved a little too much." Translation: "How were we to know that Tim Thomas would be this year's Marty Turco?"

Buffalo Sabres: "This team is just a piece away from contending next year." Translation: "That piece is probably our GM."

Carolina Hurricanes: "At least we made it deep into the postseason again before losing to the better team." Translation: "It'd be nice to have someone other than LaRose and Jokinen carry our scoring in the playoffs."

Florida Panthers: "We really missed J-Bo's presence on the back end." Translation: "We really regret B-Mac's presence on the back end."

Montreal Canadiens: "This team is just a power forward away from Cup contention." Translation: "We need some forwards who aren't allergic to the crease."

New Jersey Devils: "I guess Brodeur is getting a little too old for his style of play." Translation: "I guess we should've stuck with the trap."

NY Islanders: "We definitely made some progress this season." Translation: "Our inexplicably-growing collection of over-35 veterans played decently this season. DiPietro should really push Roloson and Biron for starts next year."

NY Rangers: "We just didn't have enough offensive firepower to keep up with the better teams in the Atlantic." Translation: "Turns out paying $7 million for 45 games of Marian Gaborik wasn't the best move, in retrospect."

Ottawa Senators: "We're just a puck-moving defenseman away from making the postseason." Translation: "Maybe we could've addressed our needs a bit better in that Heatley trade last summer."

Philadelphia Flyers: "Injuries on the back end torpedoed our chances this year." Translation: "Maybe we'll actually get a serviceable goalie next season. Are Cloutier and Curtis Joseph still available?"

Pittsburgh Penguins: "After those two deep playoff runs, a little Stanley Cup hangover was inevitable." Translation: "Who'd have thought that those lost third-liners would make such a difference?"

Tampa Bay Lightning: "We just didn't meet our own lofty expectations this season." Translation: "What crack was ESPN smoking when they picked us as the tenth best team in the NHL?"

Toronto Maple Leafs: "We just needed a few breaks to go our way and we'd have made the cut." Translation: "Our players need to realize the game is best played with sticks and not fists, and maybe we'd not have to score so many short-handed game-winning goals in the final minutes of the third period."

Washington Capitals: "We put up a good fight, but injuries finally caught up with us in Game 7." Translation: "Seems Ovechkin can't single-handedly outscore the sheer number of goals Mike Green and John Erksine are allowing."

Western Conference

Anaheim Ducks: "Moving forward, there's no question our top line is one of the best, if not the best, in the NHL." Translation: "There's no question relying on a pair of over-35 injury-prone Finns to provide second-line scoring was a mistake."

Calgary Flames: "The pieces are all there, we just didn't get it done." Translation: "Anyone want Jokinen? Anyone?"

Chicago Blackhawks: "We don't believe in 'bad hockey karma', nor do we believe it had any effect on the disappointing 2009-10 season." Translation: "At least after last season's performances, re-signing our top guys won't be so expensive. Now where exactly do I throw these chicken bones and garlic?"

Colorado Avalanche: "Our expectations for this season were met." Translation: "We knew we'd suck, but we didn't expect to lose our fan base and get shipped off to Kansas City so soon."

Columbus Blue Jackets: "With the experiences we've taken away from this season, we hope to be even more competitive next year." Translation: "Sophomore slumps can be a biznatch."

Dallas Stars: "Considering our payroll was 25th in the league, we did exceptionally well." Translation: "With Turco and Modano off the books, we now have more cap room than the Cat in the Hat."

Detroit Red Wings: "This season's injuries were simply too great to overcome." Translation: "I just don't understand it: paying our entire salary cap to four guys worked brilliantly for GM and Ford in the late 90s."

Edmonton Oilers: "Look for the Oilers to be the surprise team of 2010-11." Translation: "There's nothing hockey pundits love more than young, underachieving teams with vastly overrated coaches."

Los Angeles Kings: "This collection of young talent should compete for years to come." Translation: "This collection of quickly-aging talent is a more disappointing tease than Jessica Biel in Powder Blue."

Minnesota Wild: "We need a better performance out of our goaltender if we expect to get out of the first round." Translation: "Well, fellas, it's back to the six-goalie system again."

Nashville Predators: "We just had too many off-ice distractions this season." Translation: "We're going to enjoy playing in Hamilton/Vegas/Paris/Mexico City next year."

Phoenix Coyotes: "We surpassed all expectations other than our own." Translation: "I guess having a competent head coach actually does make a difference."

San Jose Sharks: "We're going to go into this off-season and seriously re-tool this roster in order to meet our high expectations." Translation: "C'mon, fans, is the post-season really all THAT important? Look at all the regular-season goals we scored! Shouldn't that count for something?"

St. Louis Blues: "With all the injuries, we didn't get the chance to take that important next step." Translation: "We just don't understand it: Tkachuk, Kariya and Sydor were lights-out in 1998."

Vancouver Canucks: "We've got to figure out a way to keep teams from shutting down the Sedin line." Translation: "Does anybody know Sundin's cell? The one we have isn't working or something."

Well, there you have it, 30 instant excuses for each NHL squad to use nine months from now. Tune in next week when we break down the Stars' record-setting 19-0 loss to Nashville, complete with in-depth analysis of Jordin Tootoo's seven-goal night.

What do you think?