Movie review: Sorority Row

by John P. Meyer

If there was ever a movie that earned its R-rating for "partying," this is it. We're talkin' trapdoor jammies on the trampoline, naked hot tub sex, flagrant drug use ... Sorority Row takes every slutty, degenerate, mean-spirited, stuck-up elitist thing you ever suspected about sorority life and brings it to vivid, technicolor life.

In other words: I loved it.

Purportedly, this movie is a remake of the 1983 picture with the slightly more specific title, The House on Sorority Row. I say "purportedly" because I have not personally seen The House on Sorority Row and dare not jump to such an unsubstantiated conclusion. (Turns out I could have seen it -- or, at least, the "good parts" of it -- by attending the Horror Remix event at Studio Movie Grill last Wednesday.) However, I can report that Mark Rosman, who wrote the screenplay for the '83 picture, receives a writing nod in the credits for this one. Which ought to seal the deal.

Speaking of "deal," that's what the sisters of Theta Pi Sorority make with each other after the ill-considered prank they play on a fellow sister's cheating boyfriend goes (are you ready for it?) HORRIBLY AWRY. Leaving one of their number dead and (presumably) decomposing in an abandoned mine shaft. So they agree to tell everyone -- the police, the parents, their sorority sisters -- that Megan (Audrina Patridge) just wandered off somewhere and never came back.

Eight months later, on the night after graduation, Theta Pi's surviving senior members prepare to host one last über-partay before going their separate ways and becoming (for example) betrothed to sons of senatorial candidates. (Ref. Leah Pipes as Jessica: the catty, controlling one.)

To ensure that the party proves sufficiently über, Chugs (Margo Harshman) -- the house's notoriously promiscuous sister (and proud of it) -- pays a visit to her "doctor" (more like "prescription drug dealer") to stock up. And threatens to become the first of the deal-making Thetas to bite the big one. (SPOILER: don't be surprised if she gets it in the Pi hole. Yuk, yuk.)

Thankfully, the killer (who skulks around in a hooded robe wielding a wicked, tricked-out tire tool) does not limit his homicidal exercises to the sisters responsible for covering up Megan's death. If he did, all the best eye candy cuties would be gone from the screen before we'd ogled them sufficiently. This way, the killer gets to carve up the supporting players first, allowing us to linger thoughtfully over the complex personalities (and pulchritudinous forms) of:

* Cassidy (Brianna Evigan), the intelligent, practical one;

* Ellie (Rumer Willis), the mousy, remorseful one;

* Claire (Jamie Chung), the token ethnic one;

* And the aforementioned bossy and slutty ones (Jessica and Chugs).

Director Stewart Hendler handles the thrills, chills, and grisly stabbings with considerable grace; there's nothing groundbreaking here, but the killings are presented with stylistic flair and occasionally even prove moderately shocking. (Death by wine bottle, anyone?)

There's just enough nudity in Sorority Row to give it that frisson of naughtiness, and just enough bloody violence to qualify it for teen slasher genrehood. Even the profanity is reined in to a greater extent than expected. One can't help but admire the film for its unusual restraint in these areas, although jaded audiences will probably be disappointed with such a quaint approach.

For that contingent, I offer this two word recommendation: Saw VI.

Look for a buckshot-blasting cameo from Carrie Fisher as housemother Mrs. Crenshaw.