Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Dallas Stars Hockey Horoscope

by Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we rubbed both brain cells together to come up with a spot-on, 100% accurate portrayal of the future of the Western Conference; this week, I was planning on using the twin powers of Science and Reason to help usher in a New NHL, an enlightened world of poet-kings, freeskaters and Logic Minders. A world in which every rink across the Southwestern United States is full of highly-educated individuals, the cheap seats are only accessible via eco-friendly Prius ramps and our Commissioner is enveloped in life-giving rays of sunshine.

But upon further consideration, I was, like, eff that shizzle. Let's do the exact opposite for no reason! Toss Logic and Sensibility to the ravenous wild dogs in the town square, and feed Science to the buboes-covered victims of the black plague! In other words, bring on the Dark Ages of the NHL!

I promise I'll do My Part to introduce our only-on-Versus world to its rat-infested future: Here's the latest and greatest installment of the Dallas Stars Hockey Horoscope.

Scorpio -- Fire and Ice magic are strong in your sign this week. Expect a severe burning sensation in your face after an embarrassing attempt at checking Brenden Morrow into the boards results in a nationally-televised introduction of your orbital bone to Mr. Rink.

Sagittarius -- Your revolutionary new tactics of intimidating your opposition by impaling their children's skulls on carbon-fiber sticks around the crease will be seen as inappropriate by the NHL's other goaltending coaches.

Capricorn -- Your zany, harebrained scheme to go to Russia and bring Sergei Zubov back to the Stars will meet a tragic end after you arrive at the lead-induced realization that those Soviet-era border guards have never had the chance to fully appreciate the madcap hijinks of Stripes.

Aquarius -- With the hockey season on its way, just remember that sex is like the Anaheim Ducks: a bruising, bone-crunching affair full of elbows to the face, skate blades slicing tendons, and masked men with initials for names wearing far too much clothes.

Pisces -- Your fifth straight year of fantasy hockey domination will come to an abrupt end when your opponents discover you've been getting unfairly sage advice from the Toronto Maple Leafs top brass.

Aries -- This week, expect total strangers to engage you in spirited conversations about your most recent ancestors, followed by attempts to initate physical contact and perhaps some energetic dancing. This is because you are Steven "People Skills" Ott.

Taurus -- As the Stars hot, young new replacement for Sergei Zubov, much will be expected of you. You must elevate yourself to Christ-like heights, spreading love and joy to all of those around you, helping those in need, working in soup kitchens, distributing your paycheck to the poor, acting as a Beacon of Light to those lost in the Abyss of Sin, and becoming a shining example for our children, and their children's children. Also, you need to %&#@ing shoot the #%$&ing puck.

Gemini -- You will suddenly regret not paying attention in Stephane Robidas Class last week, as a group of unruly Flyers fans decide to give your cranium an unexpected pop quiz on the topic of Taking a Hit.

Cancer -- You've never been a believer in the theory of evolution, but after a series of incidents later this week you won't be able to deny that Gary Bettman is getting remarkably good at flinging his own feces.

Leo -- After the events of last Wednesday, Mike will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your watch, wedding ring, and maglite, you were right about Willa.

Virgo -- Water and Air magic are strong in your sign this week. Expect to spend next month weeping loudly in a dark corner after video of your embarrassing whiff on that Mike Ribeiro shootout goal hits the internets.

Libra -- Burly, sweat-covered defensemen -- blinded by your flowing blonde locks, charming smile and face-meltingly dreamy blue eyes -- will allow you free passage to the goaltender of your choice in next week's sporting contest. This is because you are Fabian Brunnstrom, Swedish Man-Candy and Official Unicorn of the NHL.

That's it for this week's superstition-heavy Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I reveal the latest in innovative medieval torture techniques, and the Chris Prongers that love them.