Thursday Morning Cupcheck — The 2009-10 Dallas Stars Pre-Season Report Card

by Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we provided Stars fans with a tantalizing glimpse into another dimension; this week, I was planning on penning Icing the Crease: A True Tale of Heavily-Penalized Love when I glanced at my Yo Gabba Gabba commemorative calender and realized -- holy crap! The 2009-10 NHL season is nearly upon us!

With plenty of questions still unanswered from last year's busted Edsel of a season, it's time to toss away the past like it was year-old yogurt and focus entirely on the unknowable future. What can we realistically/unrealistically expect from this 2009-10 Dallas Stars team? Will they follow their lead from last season, and challenge the 2008 Mets for the lead photo under the Webster's Dictionary entry for "Infinite Suckage"? Or will they bounce back, full of steaming fury, and capture the trophy that is rightfully theirs?

The Stars as a whole have one very big advantage over last season: no major media attention. A year ago this month, the Stars were picked by a surprising plurality to upset Detroit in the West and challenge for the Cup. This year's squad is significantly upgraded -- except in the superfluous pest category -- yet now the annually-burned pundits are picking the Stars to be a bubble team, or miss the playoffs entirely. If all of human history is to be believed, nothing is better for your chances of success than if the "experts" are picking against you.

The Stars spent the better part of ten years without so much as a single major hockey media accolade; now that things are back to where they normally are, the path to the Cup is clear. With no more fawning media attention, Stars players and fans once again have something to hate. In the meantime, here's another installment of Some Hockey Guy on the Internet Tells You What's Going to Happen.

Dallas Stars Pre-Season Report Card

Forwards

Brenden Morrow -- Your Assignment: Bounce back from a season-ending injury, give this Stars team the non-Modano/creampuff leadership it craves, as well as the physical presence in the crease that every powerplay needs to be effective. Extra Credit: A couple of highlight-reel hits wouldn't hurt ticket sales. Expected Grade: A++

Mike Ribeiro -- Your Assignment: Stay healthy for 80 games, providing a point-per-game pivot to one of the NHL's most underrated top lines. Extra Credit: More unnecessary showboating during the shootout, since everyone knows it's fraudulent bullcrap anyways. Expected Grade: A

Jere Lehtinen -- Your Assignment: Stay healthy for, oh, let's say 55 games? That's at least half a season where the top line would have a hard-checking defensive forward/sniper, allowing Eriksson to fill out the lethal second line. Extra Credit: An 82-game regular season. Hah! Just kidding. I'd be happy with 60. Expected Grade: Incomplete.

Loui Eriksson -- Your Assignment: Maintain your Jere-esque commitment to defense, digging for pucks in the corners, while also being one of the top-five most dangerous snipers during 5-on-5 play in the NHL. Extra Credit: Break the 40-goal barrier, possibly setting the stage for someone in the media to actually notice your accomplishments before going back to worshipping mediocre talents like Brandon Dubinsky. Expected Grade: A

Brad Richards -- Your Assignment: Stay healthy for at least 70 games, man the point on the powerplay for more than four games this year, score at a point-per-game clip. Extra Credit: Score a point/game, but without scoring 4-5 points once a week and getting shutout the rest of the time. Expected Grade: B+

James Neal -- Your Assignment: Avoid the dreaded Sophomore Slump that decimated the Stars' defensive corps early last season, maintain your priviledged position on the second line alongside set-up man extraordinaire Brad Richards. Extra Credit: Win some more insanely one-sided fights. Expected Grade: A-

Mike Modano -- Your Assignment: Stop crying so often. Play consistent hockey on the third line. Score more than one goal in the final 40 games. Extra Credit: Remove yourself from the point on all future powerplays. Please. Expected Grade: C-

Brian Sutherby -- Your Assignment: Keep on being the Stars' bad-ass checking center. Extra Credit: Stay healthy for more than 70 games. Expected Grade: B

Fabian Brunnstrom -- Your Assignment: Keep trending upwards as a bonafide sniper, rather than emulating some Soviet score-when-I-wanna headcase. Extra Credit: Break the 30-goal barrier, throw a single body check in the offensive zone at some point during the season. Expected Grade: C

Steve Ott -- Your Assignment: Just keep up the good work! You've been the Stars most improved player for three consecutive seasons. Extra Credit: Surprise me. Again. Expected Grade: A+

Toby Petersen -- Your Assignment: Stay healthy for more than half a season. Center the Stars' theoretically lethal fourth line with Brunnstrom and Benn. Obviously provide that mythical line with some sort of defensive presence. Extra Credit: Did I mention staying healthy? Yeah, that. Expected Grade: Incomplete

Jamie Benn -- Your Assignment: Somehow make the team stacked with forwards, stick there for at least the scond half of the season. Extra Credit: Build on that amazing Memorial Cup run and become the dark-horse candidate for the Calder. Expected Grade: A-

Defenders

Stephane Robidas -- Your Assignment: Keep being a physical force in the defensive zone, somehow make the All-Star team again, and avoid playing the point on the power play under any circumstances. Extra Credit: Another manimal-esque performance in the playoffs would rock serious arse. Expected Grade: B+

Trevor Daley -- Your Assignment: Unleash the hounds! Under the new coaching regime, fully realize that blinding speed and join/create some flashy odd-man breakaways. Extra Credit: Score ten goals, thirty assists. Or thirty goals and ten assists, whichever works for you. Expected Grade: B-

Matt Niskanen -- Your Assignment: Keep trending upwards as the Stars' most potent offensive defenseman. Extra Credit: Try not to get burned for a highlight-reel goal every other game. Maybe just once every 4-5 games. Expected Grade: B-

Karlis Skrastins -- Your Assignment: Provide this young d-corps with a little veteran leadership, block shots, be sound positionally. Extra Credit: Your first 30-goal season. Expected Grade: A+

Niklas Grossman -- Your Assignment: Bounce back from a down-and-up rollercoaster sophomore season, and become that quick-thinking defensive defenseman you were when you solidified the Stars' back end during their deep playoff run. Extra Credit: Learn from the Skrastins. Glean his knowledge. Absorb his abilities. Feed on his unacknowledged competence. Expected Grade: A-

Mark Fistric -- Your Assignment: Stay healthy, for chrissakes! Also, become the bone-melting physical presence not seen on the Stars blue line since the departure of Derian Hatcher. Extra Credit: Make people forget Scott Stevens. Expected Grade: A-

Jeff Woywitka -- Your Assignment: Make best use of all the injury-caused playing time you will receive, and continue to be one of the league's unheralded third-pairing defensemen. Extra Credit: With Skrastins and Grossman, help Turco get his GAA back under 2.50. Expected Grade: B+

Ivan Vishnevskiy -- Your Assignment: Play well enough in short call-ups to force the coaching staff to consider playing you full-time, especially on the point on the powerplay. Extra Credit: Play an entire season, challenge for the Calder thanks to insane offensive numbers masking mediocre defensive-zone play. Expected Grade: Incomplete

Goaltenders

Marty Turco -- Your Assignment: What 2008-09 season? Extra Credit: Don't always give up the first goal on the first shot of the game. Expected Grade: A-

Alex Auld -- Your Assignment: Give Marty a breather more than twice a season, push Marty for starts. Extra Credit: Play well enough to start the first Dallas Stars goalie controversy in 8 years. Expected Grade: B

Coaching

Marc Crawford -- Your Assignment: Get the talent on this roster to work for 60 minutes every night, without burning them out come crunch time. Extra Credit: Lots of fan-friendly yelling, throwing stuff, benching top liners. Expected Grade: B

Well, there you have it: All your questions answered in one neat and tidy report card. Tune in next week when we slam Steve Ott with the worst grade possible -- the dreaded "A minus minus" -- for coloring outside the lines.