Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 20 New Rules Changes for the NHL
Hate rules, but love change? Grab a Mountain Dew and read on, you free-thinking rebel!
Donde estas tu discotheque, hockey fans! Last week we trusted the Prince of Lies to give us the low-down on some minor contract squabbles out East; this week, I was planning on investigating unconfirmed rumors that dapper billionaire playboy Richard Branson is going to buy the Dallas Stars and re-name them VirginHockey; but recent doings over at the league office stayed my hand.
For too long, the NHL was stubbornly resistant to rule changes, as if millions of innocent voices were suddenly silenced. But all that changes to-day! The league is currently working on tinkering with the rulebook at the NHL Development Camp -- under the tutelage of noted great-with-the-kids risk-taker Ken Hitchcock -- and here's an advance look at some of the slight changes you'll be seeing a month from now during a real NHL game.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #1: White pucks.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #2: In the spirit of great hockey traditions like the shootout, OT will now be replaced by the Bud Light 3-on-3 Ice Girl HeadlockMania.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #3: Easily the biggest problem in hockey is the whole faceoff system. After decades of complaints from tens of millions of fans, faceoffs will now be replaced by the more-popular "jump pucks."
Long-Overdue Rule Change #4: Two-touch icing
Long-Overdue Rule Change #5: Bring back the three-point shot! This special shot will be a between-the-legs granny shot from your own crease while facing backwards with your eyes closed. But it will only be allowed in the final minute of the third period, to keep things classy.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #6: The formation of the WWE-funded XHL, which will feature lingerie hockey, enforcers charging into the stands after hecklers and pucks that explode when they hit the back of the net.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #7: Any team that loses three consecutive games to the Islanders will be immediately contracted.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #8: Teams will now have an extra forward on the ice during the shootout to screen the goalie.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #9: As part of the YourNHL marketing package, fans will now get to vote on goalie interference penalties.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #10: Shootouts to be replaced by enforcers beating the eternal living sh%t out of each other, until a clear victor emerges.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #11: Referees who call offsides penalties will be sent to live in the wastelands of Central Africa.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #12: Home teams may now install special trap doors in the defensive zone that lead to pits full of burst bags of lead spikes and/or bears.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #13: Good deeds on the ice will be rewarded with the addition of an extra skater.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #14: To increase offense, traditional pucks and goalie sticks will now be replaced with BBs and car antennas.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #15: Home teams that blow a lead of three or more goals will have Lovecraftian horrors released into the cheap seats.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #16: Unattractive players will be given game misconducts.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #17: Special "Get Medieval" nights will feature players using spiked maces instead of sticks, referees dressed like bishops and plague-infected rats swarming the concession stands.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #18: Two-minute minors will be accompanied by the player's mom showing embarrassing baby photos of the offender on the JumboTron.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #19: Teams that fail to make the playoffs will receive Honorable Mention ribbons.
Long-Overdue Rule Change #20: Hybrid Icing: All fans in the arena will be given five eggs at the beginning of the game, but they are only to be used when a defender playing in a shorthanded penalty-kill situation makes contact with the puck from behind his own blue line which results in a two-line icing at which point you are allowed to gently toss a maximum of one egg at the offending player using only a noncompetitive regulation-softball underhand throw with a league-mandated maximum velocity of 5 meters/second squared. Eggs that are unused at the end of the game will be collected by menacing-looking league officials, who will be easily recognizable with their glistening gold tuxedos and eye-catching Pope hats emblazoned with the word "OBEY."
That's it for this week's far-seeing Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we check in on Stars GM Joe Nieuwendyk and ask him how close he is to re-signing James Neal and Nik Grossman. His answer of "Who?" may surprise you.