Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Todd’s top 10 films of 2010
It's time to appreciate the finest quality cinema Hollywood has to offer.
With perhaps the single greatest year in cinematic history drawing to a close, it's once again time to acknowledge, admire, and desire the best movies of our generation. Just as in 2009, 2008, 2007 and 2006, this year we have tried to narrow down the molten brilliance seeping out of Hollywood's vast pipeline of liquid genius. And again, simply narrowing it down to just 10 creative pieces of great minds was extremely tough -- just the thought of having to exclude polished gems like Jonah Hex, Charlie St. Cloud, and Whatever That Movie Was With Miley Cyrus Saving All Those Sea Turtle Eggs From Those Evil Raccoons chaps our critical hide. Here's our list of the top 10 films of 2010.
10. Eat Pray Love: Finally, a movie with the testicular fortitude to take on the hairy-chested problems of rich white women who get paid to travel around and do whatever they want. In Tyler Perry's Eay Pray Love, Julia Roberts is dropped into a fat suit and forced to interact with different ethnic groups, such as Asian and Indian, that have never before made contact with the Western World. After one viewing of this Marco Polo-esque epic, you too will crave the aroma of an authentic Indonesian outhouse.
9. The Expendables: This under-the-radar art film traces the lives of nine 200-pound slabs of beef jerky, as they struggle to find relevance in a post-modern world. Using heavily-symbolic "grenades" fired from metaphorical "grenade launchers," the jerky slabs face their own sense of impending oblivion in the form of "a brutal Latin American dictator." Bring extra tear-tissues to this sob-a-minute weepfest!
8. Yogi Bear: The heartbreaking true story of disgraced former baseball player Yogi Berra shows the All-Star catcher as he truly is, brutally mauling families with small children in order to take their delicious pick-i-nick baskets. This movie serves as a warning to our young: Stay inside. Don't go out there. Yogi hungers and does not sleep.
7. Saw VII: Saw VII what? Saw seven Silver Mileys for this family-friendly flick at this year's Tween Abstinence Awards!
6. Sex in the City 2: This sequel to the popular Sucking and Shopping gives a big ol' red, white, and blue middle finger to those sand commies that hate our freedom and our casual Fridays. These four harpies came crawling to Kurdistan to do two things: whine about relationships and kick ass. And they're all out of relationships.
5. Clash of the Titans: For half a century now, millions of fans have been begging for a re-make of the original clay-mation movie ... because it just looks too real. Let it never be said that Hollywood doesn't listen: With the combination of substandard CGI and last-minute 3D slop-edits, the new version is ready to release the crappin'!
4. Furry Vengeance: The Furry: This hard-hitting documentary goes deep into the depraved world of the sexual deviants known as "furries," and the horrible lengths these sick perverts will go to violate the orifices of any stuffed animal within easy thrusting range. The Vengeance: S**t gets real when the forests erupt with mammalian vigilantes hell-bent on grisly revenge after one plucky furry takes his lifestyle choice just a little too far.
3. Dinner for Schmucks: Would somebody please pass the genius? America is hungry!
2. Twilight Saga: Eclipse: While I never actually saw this movie, I have read all 897,523 online novels of erotic fan fiction. All of them begin with a fearsome army of newborns, proceed through 750 pages of hot Mormon-on-vampire abstinence, and end with how adorable the writer's cat is. Can a movie win the Nobel Prize for Literature? I think we're about to find out!
1. The Last Airbender: Fire may have once been important to our cave-dwelling ancestors, but what has it done for us lately? Nothing. M. Night Shyamalan is the only director in Hollywood willing to take on the tough questions -- just as he did recently in the critically-acclaimed Meteor That Turns Out To Be Made of Candy and Tsunami That Turns Out To Be Grandpa -- and M. definitely whips out the ugly stick in this movie, knocking that bastard Fire from his ivory pedestal, and replacing the jackanape with the other, totally harmless, elements. Why? Because f*ck fire, that's why. Bravo, M., bra-vo.