Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Ilya Kovalchuk on Twitter

by Todd Maternowski

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Tired of the media frenzy surrounding the Stars? Slow it down this week with someone else's Future Problem.

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we learned why so many teenage girls are following ex-Star Mike Modano's every move with breathless anticipation; this week, I was going to at least try to attempt to summarize all the Stars' wheelings and dealings this past week, when I glanced at my That's So Raven desk calendar and realized that absolutely nothing of any importance occurred last week in the Mundo de Hockey.

Apparently, all 30 NHL teams are waiting on someone to sign Ilya "The White Whale" Kovalchuk to an insanely catastrophic contract, before they can start handing out "stupid money" themselves. So what's the hold-up? Isn't this the Age of Instant Gratification, where decisions are measured by the speed at which they are reached rather than by their innate wisdom and calculated impact? Why the hell is Kovalchuk taking so dang long to make his decision? For quick, easy-to-digest answers, I turned to Ilya's Twitter account. For those of you old-timers who don't know what Twitter is, it's that thing that allows Kids Today to trade human interaction & dignity for a microscopic slice of Internet Fame. Here are the delicious tweets that reveal all:

# You have heard latest joke yes? What did the five fingers say to Dean Lombardi's face? 7:09 AM July 15th from IllChuk17

# hold on twitters I've got the bubble guts from bad borscht 2:11 AM July 15th from IllChuk17

# when I get invited to south central LA ghetto what are things I shouldnt do or say? I want to visit a real ghetto coz I have puck rhythm 10:13 PM July 14th from IllChuk17

# for the rest of this hour I am tweeting in the language of the old country 9:00 PM July 14th from IllChuk17

# I will break you 8:01 PM July 14th from IllChuk17

# Just got finished dirty sanchez. I'm quite embarrassed 5:35 PM July 14th from IllChuk17

# left stall door open in LA airport and made some new friends 3:02 PM July 14th from IllChuk17

# do they still serve thongburgers at carl's jr? Peverly said to go up to the counter and order one 12:49 PM July 14th from IllChuk17

# my family used to drive tractor while Baba Yaga was setting snares for children. i stayed out of the way. now I'm here 1:17 AM July 14th from IllChuk17

# @Daneyko1 'ilya the terrible' not insult in Russia, tough guy. read book someday 11:37 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# I WILL ACCEPT A ROLE ON THE BEST TEAM. AND PLAY THE BEST DEFENSE. FOR JUST TENS MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS 11:32PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# i think i focus best in a playoffs setting 10:01 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# good things Lou can take a punch. may knock off a half mil for that 8:36 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# This guy ask me am I in the NHL I said does Koschei the Deathless menace your young sister in the forest at night? Duh 8:34 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# In game two of playoffs I had to take a massive dump in the third period. But I didn’t know how to tell Langenbrunner 5:10 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# WHAT IS 'CHICKEN HEAD'?? 4:58 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# @BPCeo taking Chernobyl lessons? haha 2:01 PM July 13th from IllChuk17

# This American hobo just pee on my back! I’m pissed!! His name is Fireball 9:45 AM July 13th from IllChuk17

# do Jersey couples really have the sex everytime when I score goal? Marty usually serious about this sort of thing 7:54 AM July 13th from IllChuk17

# still don't know how Ovie does it 2:13 AM July 13th from IllChuk17

# Zubrus took me to bar where short-haired women tape their breasts to appear invisible. MAYBE ILYA GET LUCKY TONIGHT!?! 11:23 PM July 12th from IllChuk17

# just arrive in Jersey, amazing how similar to Stalingrad everything is 9:10 PM July 12th from IllChuk17

# never said 'howdy, you all' until I got to NJ. Atlanta represent! 8:59 PM July 12th from IllChuk17

# will miss my jacuzzi, 'Defensive Zone', most of all 7:45 AM July 12th from IllChuk17

# leaving for Jersey now. Already miss my mountain fortress in the Urals 7:43 AM July 12th from IllChuk17

That's it for this week's leaves-nothing-unexplained Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we discuss which of the Kings' amazing young soon-to-be-RFAs the Stars can poach after blowing their entire cap on one overrated Pavel Bure-wannabe.

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