Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Know Your Flyers Fan
Has this year's Cup Finals left you angry and confused? Confused and aroused? Read on!
Good morning, hockey fans! Here's hoping that last night's Flyers win didn't ruin your awesome idea to bet the family farm on a Blackhawks Sweep; remember, no matter what else happens now between your bookie, your 14 siblings and all those missing kneecaps, the idea was solid. Last week we delved deeply into the dark depths of Chicago's Sports History; this week, I was planning on discussing which shades of orange make for the best surrender flags, but last night's game forced me to think of something nice to write about the Philadelphia Flyers.
This was not as easy as it sounds. After nearly 20 seconds of wailing and lamentation, I hit upon an idea: Why not find out a thing or two about the nice folks that worship this annually-disappointing team? To my Dallas Stars-centered knowledge, virtually nothing is known about the culture, anatomy and manners of your typical Flyers fan. After researching the topic on various Pittsburgh-based anthropological internet forums, I've now cobbled together every fact you could possibly ever know about the life and times of the brother-loving Flyers Fan.
**Know Your Flyers Fan**
General Anatomy: The typical Flyers Fan is of roughly human shape, of varying size but always distinct from homo sapiens with a number of key anatomical differences.
Head and Neck: For most anthropologists, the most important feature of the cabeza they will notice is the powerful mandibles of the Flyers Fan. Protruding tusks, always of differing sizes and shapes, allow the casual puckologist to spot a Flyers Fan from a safe distance away. Female Flyers Fans' tusks are very small to nearly nonexistent, arguably more exaggerated canines than tusks, but scientists theorize that the tusks are used for the tearing and rending of human flesh, as well as in their godless mating displays.
Torso: The most distinctive feature of the Flyers Fan is their fascinating tuckus: tough and rubbery from decades of submission rituals to the alpha-males in Pittsburgh/New York/Boston/Buffalo/Baltimore/Central Delaware. Interestingly enough, this anatomical inelasticity relaxes during the playoffs, when the typical Flyers Fan (or 'Flan') is known to s##t the bed after his team bows out, usually after blowing a 3-1 lead in a best-of-seven series. Forbes states that Mattress Replacement is a thriving $20 billion-a-year industry in the city of Philadelphia.
Extremities: The typical Flyers Fan believes he can use his bare hands, which are the size of a man’s head, to tear a man limb from limb. After extensive testing, however, it was found that despite their massive size, a Flyers Fan's hands were barely strong enough to throttle small flightless Antarctic birds -- the central act of the Flyers Fan's stunningly ineffective mating rituals.
Lifecycle: As of press time, no scientist has yet observed exactly how a Flyers Fan is spawned, or how they are raised to adulthood. Attempts to force Flyers Fans to mate in captivity have been hilarious but uninformative.
Society and Culture: The Flyers Fan society seems wholly geared towards constant warfare, as Fans engage in a fascinating three-part cycle leading sociologists have termed Aggression - Capitulation - Defamation. The cycle begins when a Flyers Fan spots something remotely threatening, like a Darius Kasparaitis jersey or natural sunlight. This triggers the Flyers Fan's violent nature, which manifests itself in a 30% chest expansion and an increasingly high-pitched vocal display of aggression. Oftentimes the target of the aggression is someone who can't quickly and easily defend themselves, such as a small child or a fairy-tale character. Fortunately for Philly's neighbors, their warlike nature stops them from cooperating unless forced to do so by a powerful leader, like Rich Kotite or Bill Barber.
This short-lived condition is quickly followed by the Capitulation Stage, in which the Flyers Fan's "Fight or Flight" internal mechanism is set off. Fortunately for the perceived "victims" of said aggression, the "Fight" function generally consists of limp-wristed light slapping about the shoulders and back, a far more pleasant outcome than the "Flight" function, in which the Flyers Fan expels an orange-hued combination of solids and fluids from an uncountable array of bodily orifices.
Leading anthropologists state that the typical Flyers Fan spends 98% of his life in the Defamation Stage, in which all perceived enemies, including those that are now or have once played for the Philadelphia Flyers, are subjected to verbal attacks from a safe distance of up to hundreds of miles away. Scientists postulate that this stage is the natural resting state for the Flyers Fan.
What To Do If You Encounter One: Flyers Fans do not know the meaning of the word fear, nor the correct spelling. However, like most beta-predators, a Flyers Fan is far more terrified of you than you think, particularly if you are taller than three-foot and have the use of your limbs. The one exception to this rule comes when the Flyers Fan's skin comes into contact with glass: the smooth, unyielding feel of glass in a Flyers Fan's hands can give the creature courage it would otherwise never know. However, the simple phrase "Hi, I'm Scott Stevens, nice to meet you" will deflate any potentially dangerous situation, causing the Flyers Fan to flee in abject terror.
As the Stanley Cup Finals slog on, hopefully fans from other cities will find this handy guide helpful. Tune in next week when we set the over-under on Former Dallas Stars Goalies Signed By Philadelphia This Summer; the startingly high number of "All of Them" may surprise you.
See more stories in:
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 10 Worst Losses in Dallas Stars History
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Dallas Star: Jaromir Jagr
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Narrowing It Doan
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Ballad of Ricky and Webby
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Star: Loui Eriksson