Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Chris Pronger’s Beat Corner
And then I look at the boxscore and I howl, man, howl!
Good morning, hockey fans! Here's hoping last night's single most awkwardly anti-climactic goal in Finals history didn't put a dent in your post-Cup celebrations: Fortunately, experts agree that there ain't no party like a Hjalmarsson party 'coz a Hjalmarsson party don't stop. Last week we engaged in some good-natured ribbing with our passive-aggressive friends in Philadelphia; this week, I was planning on finally capitulating to my many Philly-based detractors and admitting that any criticism of this unstoppable dynasty is ill-advised. Especially from a fan of a team that, since 1974, has had three times the Cup Finals victories in one-third the time.
Much will be written in the victors, my beloved Chicago Blackhawks. But what about those pathetic losers who should've tried just a little harder? You know who I'm talking about. Who will tell their story? Who will read their whiny memoirs? Who will take their dismal failures, and hand-carve it into the Living Rock for future generations of mankind to point and laugh at?
Fortunately for our children's grandchildren's children, and their grandchildren, I was able to pull a few strings at Philadelphia's famous Maginot Institute, and got my hands on an extremely rare transcript of Chris Pronger expressing his rage and frustration the only way he knows how: via the gender-neutral artistic medium of beat poetry. Here are some of his touching, heartfelt words.
'I Have Backchecked My Sorrows'
this is my stanley cup final loss
there are many like it, but this one is mine
i feel there is an angel in me
whom i am constantly elbowing in the fat halo
let the teeth fall where they may
back to edmonton
'Fortress of Tears'
i wake up in the darkness large and naked
endless forest of orange and white trees
i journey onwards for thousands of miles in every direction
i dip my hand in the rubber stream
the stream flows up up up into the yawning orange sky
stream turns to flood, flood turns to milky rubber galaxy
leighton is straddling our vulcanized world
you gotta stop that sh#t
'Ebony and Ivory'
hi my name is chris
and this is dustin, my Special Friend
side by side in the blue paint, oh why don't we?
we learn to live, we learn to give
i hate the player, not the game
in my box i see a man sitting
in the same place he sits every game
sipping his red bull like its an antidote for stupidity
and when he speaks he talks as if to say
that his penalty is already over
and has been from long before mccreary was ever born
the dinosaurs had minor penalties
they called them meteor minutes
'Tickle My Elbow With Your Nose'
tickle my elbow with your nose
with your eyes, your cheeks
caress my forearm with your face
with your ears, your neck
kiss my skateblade with your calf
with your knees, your arteries
That's it for this week's edutaining Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we break who's tougher in the Tale of the Tape: Chicago Cubs or Redshirt Guys From Star Trek -- Two Teams Enter, No Team Leaves.
See more stories in:
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- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - An Open Letter to the Edmonton Oilers
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Dallas Stars' Bizarre Bazaar
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Ranking the NHL Captains
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 2011-12's Top Five Man-Made Disasters