Thursday, March 4, 2010
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Survival Guide: So You Just Lost to Team Canada
Put that seppuku knife away and read this handy guide instead.
Good morning, hockey fans! Here's hoping this year's Hockey Tradocalypse 2010 didn't leave you in a semi-permanent coma. This week, I was planning on pointing and laughing at the Flyers and Red Wings in my bi-annual column Top Ten Missed Trades of the Year Involving Dallas Stars Goalie Marty Turco, but in light of some recent events, decided to fulfill the conditions of my parole and fill this week's Cupcheck with beaming patriotic pride!
Unfortunately, times have been tough for Americans. Not only are we at grave risk of being completely obliterated from the face of the earth by next month's untimely eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano -- but we also lost a hockey game! It's as if God has it in for us for something unspeakably evil we did in our long-forgotten past.
Forget, for a second, that Team America represented every single one of our hopes and dreams. Forget, for another second, that like Team America, our hopes and dreams amount to no more than a hill of Mexican Jumping Beans (a.k.a. frijoles mas locos). The real issue here is that we finally lost to Canada at something other than Seal Clubbing, bringing untold shame upon our once-proud land.
But not to worry, America: Stop your fretting! Trying to make sense of the post-Gold Medal Game carnage, I stumbled upon this handy disaster survival guide made by our government during the height of the Really Cold War. So sit back, adjust your tin foil hat for maximum Canadian CIA Death Ray blockage, and soak in the knowledge!
SO YOU'VE JUST LOST TO TEAM CANADA: U.S. SURVIVAL GUIDE G-4337F
INTRODUCTION: If you are reading this, then the situation is already out of hand, the United States has accidentally launched all of its nuclear warheads against its own population centers, the Rocky Mountain Range is buried beneath miles of radioactive corpses of American citizens and, possibly but improbably, a Canadian hockey player has scored an overtime goal against the American Olympic team. At this point, it is highly likely that godless Canadians are ransacking your home right now, taking your valuables and apple pies while you cower in your Freedom Closet reading this survival guide, awaiting the sweet embrace of death. Your chances of making it through this crisis are nigh-impossible, but follow these steps and your miserable existence may be prolonged for several more horrifying hours.
1. Don't Panic: Physiologically, there are few differences between your average Canadian citizen and you. Top U.S. Government scientists believe that besides their unnaturally long life spans, taste for human flesh and bat-like wings, Canadians and Americans once shared a common ancestor as recently as the Paleozoic Age. While it may seem that these baby-devouring ice monsters cannot be stopped with earth bullets, recent top secret studies have shown that Canadians have several weaknesses you can exploit to your advantage. Canadians melt when exposed to direct sunlight, for example, and the acid sprayed from their eye sockets can be neutralized with a simple mixture of Drain-O, cat litter and searing hot bacon grease. Canadians can also be turned with the vigorous presentation of a holy symbol.
2. Keep Infor--Hold On, Are You Crying?: The U.S. Government would like to inform you that any show of emotional weakness will result in your painful and agonizing death by roving execution squad.
2a. Keep Informed: While you are no doubt emptying the contents of your bowels in abject terror, the U.S. Government is working to rectify the situation. Keep a shortwave radio within arm's length at all times. Tune into your local ClearChannel station for mandatory instructions from your government. Follow these instructions to the letter or perish in a storm of hellfire and unholy forechecking.
3. Gather Your Family: Canadians have no concept of family, having been bred for war in the tangled jungles of the Yukon by our ancient monarchist enemies from across the sea. Gather your family in one place when confronted with a Canadian: the momentary confusion a Canadian experiences when he sees smaller, leakier versions of you may be just the time you need to ditch your family and get the hell out of there. If this idea troubles you, be comforted in the fact that top U.S. officials have been depositing their genetic material into deep mine shafts for decades, ensuring that the greatest DNA the world has ever seen will not go quietly into the night.
4. Arm Yourself: Since the U.S. government first realized the seriousness of the Canadian menace, they have been clandestinely storing weapons and ammunition in all law-abiding taxpayer's homes. Feel around the upper-right corner underneath your bed, and you will find a regulation katana, a Colt .45 personally blessed by President Eisenhower and a box of 38 silver bullets. If you should happen to destroy more than your allotted share of 38 Canadians, additional ammunition can be found underneath any desk in every classroom in America. Additionally, the desks can be stacked to make Canadian-proof fortresses.
5. Evacuate: Included in this survival guide is a map with the shallowest points of the Rio Grande clearly marked for your quick escape to the safety of Mexico. Barring the unlikely event of NHL expansion from its current number of six teams, it may be centuries before the insidious tentacles of hockey infiltrate our pure-as-the-driven-snow neighbors to the south. For safety's sake, remove all terminology such as "goaltending", "icing" and "Gordie Howe Hat Trick" from your own vocabulary, so as not to confuse and arouse your new jefes muy guapos.
6. Regroup: If you have gotten this far, you are probably safe from further Canadian-based harm. The next Olympics is in four years; start training your surviving offspring now in the finer arts of crashing the crease and covering up your five-hole. The U.S. Government demands sweet vengeance.
Well, that's it for this week's mandatory public service Cupcheck. Tune in next week when Gary Bettman, bowing to public pressure, finally contracts the league to just two NHL teams.