by Alex Bentley

Sex and the City 2 has barely enough good material to fill a half-hour, much less the two-and-a-half hour slog that unfortunate audiences will have to sit through.

When Sex and the City made the transition from television to movie screens back in 2008, it arrived at almost the perfect moment for it to succeed. The series, starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, and Cynthia Nixon, had been off the air for four years, long enough for its fans to miss it but recent enough to have retained its place in pop culture. It didn't hurt that the four stars had not been able to move on to anything nearly as popular as SATC, so the reinhabiting of those roles felt completely natural.

The movie went on to gross over $150 million thanks to a combination of winning acting and writing/directing of Michael Patrick King that paid homage to the series while expanding the storylines in interesting ways. A sequel was inevitable, but a lot can change in two years. The celebration of material excess is intrinsic to the franchise, but will that now feel like less of an escape and more of a slap in the face given the current economic situation? And with less than two years between movies, will it be a case of “How can I miss you if you never go away?”

The quartet enjoying a picnic in the middle of the desert ... 'cause who doesn't love sand in their food?

In a questionable turn of events, King decided to forgo any semblance of a story for Sex and the City 2. He has said publicly that after the drama that happened in the first film, he wanted the second film to be all play and no work. The problem with that idea is that the first film had a tree trunk of a main plotline (Carrie's wedding/non-wedding/wedding) with side stories branching off to give face time to supporting characters. Instead of adhering to that model this time around, King has populated the film with a bunch of weeds that grow with varying degrees of annoyance, not one of which actually blossoms into something beautiful or fulfilling.

The bulk of the film is spent in Abu Dhabi, where the foursome travel after a sheikh somewhat randomly offers to put Samantha (Cattrall) and her friends up in his hotel in exchange for some publicity help from her. In fact, “random” is the apt word for most of the film. Carrie (Parker) and Big (Chris Noth) experience a bump in their two-year-old marriage thanks to ... Big wanting to stay home rather than go out every night. Charlotte (Davis) has to deal with a two-year-old who seemingly never stops crying, except when in the presence of her buxom and braless nanny, Erin (Alice Eve). Miranda (Nixon) has some ill-defined job troubles, while Samantha is doing her best to stave off menopause with an army of pills and creams.

Karaoke, Abu Dhabi style

If those side “stories” sound boring in writing, it's nothing compared to actually having to watch them. The trip to the Middle East is supposed to serve as a diversion from those issues, but King and the actresses do their best to make even the exotic seem hum-drum. The quartet's adventures include a painful karaoke version of “I Am Woman” (featuring the obvious cliché of every female in the room joining in), shopping, and the requisite camel ride through the desert. None of those are inspiring (or inspired), and neither are Carrie's run-in with a former beau or Samantha's ever-present libido that have her at odds with the conservative Muslim culture in the United Arab Emirates.

With the lack of effort put into the plot, it's no surprise that the dialog suffers as well. As is usual with SATC, the actresses must deliver a slew of double entendres and puns, but none of the women have the skills to rescue one-liners that come off as desperate attempts to inject the film with some kind of levity rather than lines that enhance the events around them. And it may be time to retire Samantha's sexcapades – in addition to the predictable nature of her quips, her unrepentant behavior is actually somewhat offensive in the context of the film.

Spotting Carrie in an Arabian souq is like the opposite of Where's Waldo?

That last part may be what's most disappointing about the film. While I would never expect the filmmakers to turn the franchise into a debate on global politics, their almost complete ignorance of the cultural differences smacks of a missed opportunity. Placing four smart and sexy women in a conservative Arab country could have invigorated King to satirical highs; instead, he chose to make a plethora of lame sex jokes and pimp out various fashion designers. Just because that's what they've always done doesn't mean it has to be the end-all, be-all of this movie.

Sex and the City 2 in no way, shape, or form lives up to its predecessor or the TV series. It's a slapdash mixture of elements that contains barely enough good material to fill a half-hour, much less the 2 ½ hour slog that unfortunate audiences will have to sit through.