Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The X List: 8 ways the 2010 Dallas Cowboys season could be even more embarrassing
These next eight weeks will blow your mind. Probably.
They've snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, they've found new and creative ways to fumble the ball; they've even fired the coach that everyone thought should get fired the minute he was hired. But fret not, Redskins and Eagles fans! With eight full games left in the season, there's still plenty of time for the Dallas Cowboys to pants themselves in their grandma's bed, as the saying goes. Here are a few more Teachable Moments to expect these next eight weeks.
1. Jason Garrett Admits He Has a Problem: At halftime during his first game as head coach, Garrett sheepishly admits that, like a lot of Princeton grads, he's never learned to read. Too embarrassed to admit it was a problem before, Garrett replaced the Cowboys' offensive playbook with a single page of torn notebook paper that had "3re yerd passt" scrawled on it in crayon and pink glitter.
2. Sex Boat Scandal Time!: The warm, inviting shores of the Trinity River are sometimes a little too tempting. Especially when Dallas' Finest raid a suspiciously quiet houseboat to find a butt-nekkid Cowboys punt return team standing awkwardly around a passed-out Randy Quaid, surrounded by 10 empty depth-charge containers of horse tranquilizer and clutching bloody unicorn horns.
3. Time For Some Lambada: Concerned onlookers are horrified when an obviously-sober Jerry Jones does the Forbidden Dance with that old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercials. At his granddaughter's 4th birthday party. While wearing an erotic Piglet costume.
4. Going For It On Fourth-and-Murder : The FBI is called in when Marion Barber's murder-for-hire ploy goes terribly wrong. Barber, who wanted to off starting running back Felix Jones and take his place in the eight-carries-a-game pecking order, makes a tactical error by hiring Roy Williams to do the deed. Williams corners Jones in a crowded Cowboys Stadium, screams in a high-pitched voice and charges Jones, only to stumble five yards backwards, fumble his knife, and instinctively grab his hamstring to feign injury.
5. Boyz.....in.....Spaaaaaaaccceeee: Jerry Jones wins a bidding war to become the first NFL owner to travel to outer space. But after spending a billion dollars for his ticket, he is unceremoniously dumped on a bus to Matamoros and told to "Deal with it, ese."
6. Don't Worry Baby, It Happens To Everybody: Tony Romo's reality show on ESPN8 is short-lived when it turns out it's nothing but an hour of Romo getting up the courage to ask his life-size poster of Demi Lovato out on a date.
7. Wash That Mouth Out With Industrial Grade Soap: Mike'd-up Christian Quarterback Jon Kitna says his first-ever swearword on national TV during the Thanksgiving game, when all five of his offensive linemen simultaneously fart on a critical 4th-and-1 draw play.
8. A Fate Worse Than Death: Following a season in which both the Lions and the Bills win more games than the Cowboys, things get even worse when former 'Boyz coach Chan Gailey struts onto the Cowboys logo, unzips his pants, and takes a whiz on sacred ground. DeMarcus Ware, not understanding the situation, enthusiastically sprints to center field, unbuckles his chastity belt and unleashes unholy diarrhetic fury on the Star.