Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The X List: Top 12 things to expect from the Rick Perry presidency
Some things not to expect: peace, prosperity, sodomy.
With our allies across the pond on fire and spoiled two year-olds mucking up our financial system, regular Americans are looking to the divine for answers. And it appears they found it, depending on the question —Texas guv'ner Rick Perry. Here are some of the developments to expect in the inevitable Perry Presidency.
ImPrayerment #1: All state constitutions will be re-written to include the option to secede, except for Texas, which "had its chance."
ImPrayerment #2: President Perry will lead the nation in daily Prayer Days like the one at Reliant Stadium where he asked God to improve our nation's financial health, the day before markets across the world collapsed.
ImPrayerment #3: The U.S. Constitution will be amended, finally providing First Amendment rights to all non-Catholic Christians.
ImPrayerment #4: All historical records of the Founding Fathers being pot-smoking, free-thinking atheists will be erased and replaced by glossy pictures of Perry kneeling before Zod.
ImPrayerment #5: Mixed-faith marriages will now be classified as felonies.
ImPrayerment #6: After seeing that Fred is the most popular person on YouTube, Perry makes his State of the Union addresses in a sped-up, high-pitched, nasally voice.
ImPrayerment #7: The U.S. will build a border fence between here and Arabia.
ImPrayerment #8: Male cheerleaders will officially be classified as "athletes" by executive order of the president.
ImPrayerment #9: New federal anti-sodomy laws will pit filthy lawbreakers in gladiatorial combat in the BaptoDome, where oiled-up sodomites will battle to the death in manly, revealing leather outfits, with the winner absolved of all sin.
ImPrayerment #10: Perry's policy of spending millions of taxpayer dollars on international "trade missions" to the Bahamas will now be somewhat potentially justified.
ImPrayerment #11: After seeing the poll results in his first two years of office, Perry will switch back to the Democratic Party to complain about how "those fat cat GOP SOBs in Washington" are driving the country into the ground.