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Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The X List: Top 12 things to expect from the Rick Perry presidency
Some things not to expect: peace, prosperity, sodomy.
With our allies across the pond on fire and spoiled two year-olds mucking up our financial system, regular Americans are looking to the divine for answers. And it appears they found it, depending on the question —Texas guv'ner Rick Perry. Here are some of the developments to expect in the inevitable Perry Presidency.
Wait — was that a rhetorical question?
ImPrayerment #1: All state constitutions will be re-written to include the option to secede, except for Texas, which "had its chance."
ImPrayerment #2: President Perry will lead the nation in daily Prayer Days like the one at Reliant Stadium where he asked God to improve our nation's financial health, the day before markets across the world collapsed.
ImPrayerment #3: The U.S. Constitution will be amended, finally providing First Amendment rights to all non-Catholic Christians.
ImPrayerment #4: All historical records of the Founding Fathers being pot-smoking, free-thinking atheists will be erased and replaced by glossy pictures of Perry kneeling before Zod.
ImPrayerment #5: Mixed-faith marriages will now be classified as felonies.
ImPrayerment #6: After seeing that Fred is the most popular person on YouTube, Perry makes his State of the Union addresses in a sped-up, high-pitched, nasally voice.
ImPrayerment #7: The U.S. will build a border fence between here and Arabia.
ImPrayerment #8: Male cheerleaders will officially be classified as "athletes" by executive order of the president.
ImPrayerment #9: New federal anti-sodomy laws will pit filthy lawbreakers in gladiatorial combat in the BaptoDome, where oiled-up sodomites will battle to the death in manly, revealing leather outfits, with the winner absolved of all sin.
ImPrayerment #10: Perry's policy of spending millions of taxpayer dollars on international "trade missions" to the Bahamas will now be somewhat potentially justified.
ImPrayerment #11: After seeing the poll results in his first two years of office, Perry will switch back to the Democratic Party to complain about how "those fat cat GOP SOBs in Washington" are driving the country into the ground.
ImPrayerment #12: Weekly Mandatory Days of Prayer to ask God to bring rain to drought-affected regions, which will result in the entire country becoming a sand-covered moonscape within two years.
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bullydot, anonymous:
Uh, we had "God in our politics" for eight years with Dubya...and where did that get us? Tea baggers conveniently forget that the reason Obama was elected was BECAUSE our economy went into the dumpster. Now you guys are screaming that Obama is reason. Hello?! I'm no fan of Obama (you guys think he's a closet Muslim...he's really a closet Republican!), but when I hear you whine about getting Jesus back into our government, I can't help but wonder whose Jesus -- a Southern Baptist Jesus? A Catholic Jesus? A Greek Orthodox Jesus? A Mormon Jesus?
It's really a damn shame that tea bagger obstruction resulted in our credit downgrade (S&P is specific about this). The black guy in the White House will get the blame and Rick Perry will bring us full circle to the policies that brought us here in the first place.
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jerryj359, anonymous:
better than B. Obama. Need i say more???????
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jerryj359, anonymous:
between natiobn building in afghaniostan and losing all those fine young soldiers so some miserable dictator-Karzai-can live in a palace and adding billions of dollars to welfare-im talking medicaid folks- can we possible do worsethan what we have now??????
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dane, anonymous:
What a Major Modern Day Pharisee you are! You have blasphemed God's Word and you will reap what you sow. Gal.6:7,8. Those who follow the world [and of course Satan's deceptions] are always total Losers! Sorry for you! If you're smart you'll bow your foolish knees... with respect
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bullydot, anonymous:
Dane, you're pathetic. Isn't there some claptrap in that damn book you love to quote about not judging unless you want to be judged? Idiots like you love to cherry-pick your bible verses. I sincerely hope that if you want to judge others, then you are following ALL of the bible commands, you know like using the restroom on the outskirts of town, not wearing cotton-polyester blends, not eating shrimp, etc.
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rebekahmeinecke, anonymous:
Amusing. Do you actually know Rick Perry's policies on the gay rights issue?
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Ken Vender, verified:
I'd rather cling to my guns and bible than Obama's failed policies and presidency. Twelve years of Rick Perry in Texas, our economy is in much better shape than the rest of the country. Run Rick run!
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bullydot, anonymous:
Another four years of Obama does sound sad...but Perry is not the right man for the job. The Texas economic "miracle" is a lie. Look around Dallas -- a city where trash pick up has been reduced to once a week, where potholes threaten to destroy your axles. Perry is certainly an anti-tax sort of guy...unless you call a tax a toll and turn I-35 into the biggest tollroad in the country. Tomato/Tomato right? Our finances are worse than California's and in an age where we need jobs programs we've been plunged into austerity by the same people who decry EVERYTHING that happens in Europe. You know, Europe the place where austerity programs have never worked?
We need a new FDR to lead the way to infrastructure buildouts. To building high speed rail and data networks. Unfortunately this takes spending, which leads to debt which requires revenue which the GOteaPers cannot deal with and which Obama cannot lead the way toward.
Praying to God is a nice gesture, but prayer is not going to build and repair those roads that people will hopefully be taking to their new jobs.
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dallasdomains, anonymous:
bullydot, what an appropriate name for a guy who will be crying like a baby to the Lord when he is on his death bed or when someone takes offense to his smart mouth in person
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bullydot, anonymous:
Hey, dallasdomains -- sounds like a threat. Not very Christian of you, is it? You know, all that turn the other cheek stuff...
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Bill K, anonymous:
Who dares challenge the power of prayer!? We see its results everywhere. The sick and dying pray for a cure. The poor pray for food. Even our Governor prays for rain!
Just open your eyes to God's truth and you will see the results. Prayer makes our faith stronger! The more we pray, the more we believe! Embrace the Lord and believe with all your heart and it will not matter to you that the ill died, the poor starved, and there there is no rain.
And upside down in air were towers
Tolling reminiscent bells, that kept the hours
And voices singing out of empty cisterns and exhausted wells.
If you have faith, so much as a mustard see, you will believe the mountain moved.
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What do you think?