Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The X List: 15 reasons why Moammar Gadhafi has not been seen in months
Maybe he just needed some time off to find himself, you know, before the Navy Seals do.
With the Libyan rebels closing in on Tripoli and the price of oil already dropping, it seems as if President Obama has achieved his second major foreign policy victory in the last four months. But until the rebels find Moammar Gadhafi, the 69 year-old dictator that we've discussed at length before, the victory is a hollow one. Here are 15 reasons why Gadhafi has not been seen in months.
#1: Finally getting around to writing the Great Libyan Novel he's been talking about for the last 40 years.
#2: Busy solidifying his new power base among the mole men, crab people, and earth elementals.
#3: Still working up the courage to ask Demi Lovato out, despite his acne-scarred face, squeaky voice, and dead-end job.
#4: Transitioning from his role as King of Kings of Africa to King of King of Beers.
#5: Marshaling the great Libyan Armada around Cape Horn, up the southwestern coast of Africa, where they will land in Equatorial Guinea, fight their way through the rainforests on the Gold Coast, cross the thickest part of the Sahara Desert, sneak through southern Libya until they can come up on the rebels from behind, taking them completely by surprise.
#6: Finally getting to know his smoking-hot female bodyguards on a much more personal level, y'know?
#7: Writing a series of children's books entitled Li'l Moammar Gets His, in which a wealthy, handsome jet-setting deity constantly thwarts the evil hijinks and immoral shenanigans of the paupers living outside his gold-plated palace.
#8: Learning karate.
#9: Sitting anxiously by the phone, waiting for a call from the Burger King that he knows deep down will never come.
#10: Stacking his remaining loyalist troops on top of each other like telephone poles, so as to make his army more "concentrated."
#11: Jealously guarding his "Prophet-Muhammed-on-a-Rope" while crouched, naked, in the shower.
#12: Toughening up by watching lots of Steven Seagal movies before drop-kicking marble statues of himself.
#13: Finally getting around to spending time reading and playing with his many adult sons.
#14: Using a disguise he found in the dollar bin at the Tripoli Wal-mart to infiltrate the highest levels of the United States Government.
#15: Sitting impatiently around his volcanic lair, wondering when those Nazgul who "just stepped out for a pizza" are going to come back.