Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 2011 Christmas Shopping List for the Dallas Stars
A blank card stuffed with $20s would also be acceptable.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we took a good long look around the Pacific Division and threw up a little in our mouths. This week, with Christmas just around the corner and the Stars still, somehow, in first place in the division, it's time to reward our favorite players with gifts seemingly designed just for them.
But what do you get the defenseman who has everything? Read on, kemosabe.
Mike Ribeiro: Ribs has shown time and time again that the shootout is his personal plaything. Don't like getting grandstanded? Mike Ribeiro doesn't give a flying f**k. But perhaps that's because he doesn't have one yet.
Eric Nystrom: Having a handlebar mustache and 11 goals from the third line is pretty bad-ass. But you know what would complete that trifecta? How about a solid gold chainsaw? Opposing defensemen know the feeling.
Steve Ott: Ott swears he is solemnly up to no good. So what better gift for this pesky pepperpot than a Marauder's Map? As an added bonus, it insults any referee that tries to confiscate it.
Jamie Benn: This little-known farm boy from parts unknown has risen to heroic status in a very short time. But his training is not yet complete ... at least, not until he brings one of these bad boys with him to the practice rink. We'll probably find out that Gary Roberts is his true father at some point next season.
Loui Eriksson: It seems every year the players and coaches rank Loui as far and away the most underrated player in the NHL. And yet, the quiet Swede gets no respect. Well not anymore: With this gift, even the most defensively-responsible point-per-game wallflowers can get themselves noticed.
Michael Ryder: Heir to the vast Ryder Truck fortune, you might think that this road warrior needs nothing. You'd be wrong.
Brenden Morrow: For a guy who's super-animated on the ice, Morrow sure does cut a boring between-periods interview. So why not head back to the locker room and slap up one of these bad boys up on the screen instead? As an added bonus, they work great in second intermission speeches when you're behind by a goal.
Adam Burish: For a guy who plays a little dirty from time to time, having a bottle of this back on the bench is a must-have for any crease-crashing forward.
Tom Wandell: For a guy with the nickname "Magic Wand," this one is obvious. I'm sure he's got a pretty good collection by now, but any astute Dumbledore fan can tell you that you can never have enough.
Vernon Fiddler: Whether he's penalty-killing or lady-killing, Fiddler could definitely use a pair of these. Far fewer opposing defensemen would willingly give him a glovewash after the play, too.
Jake Dowell: While he may not be the greatest fighter, you can help him hone his skills, anyway with this holiday classic.
Radek Dvorak: Those long bus rides to our close neighbors in the Pacific will seem that much shorter when Dvorak learns to accept his rich musical heritage and goes a little old-school. As an added bonus, it's better than the Black Eyed Peas/Justin Bieber s**t the AAC has been pumping out during games the last few seasons.
Toby Petersen: It's rough getting minutes on the fourth line, but as long as you keep chipping away in the corners, those minutes will come.
Sheldon Souray: The possessor of one of the NHL's hardest shots, Souray will probably be getting one of these from Henrik Lundqvist if you don't buy it for him first.
Trevor Daley: The Stars could use Daley to shoot more often than once every three games or so. So why not give him a little inspiration with one of these?
Alex Goligoski: As soon as he laced up the skates, Gogo became a major part of this team. It's time to recognize all the offensive precision he brings to the Stars with this sign.
Mark Fistric: While technically it's very difficult to buy one of these, after picturing Fistric riding one to the rink, I just can't see him using a normal car like us non-Fistrics ever again.
Nick Grossman: Don't ask me why, I just feel like these accessories fit the strong, silent Swede to a T.
Stephane Robidas: As a guy who simply gets the job done on the ice, even in tight, uncomfortable areas, nothing is more appropriate than one of these.
Adam Pardy: Being a healthy scratch every game doesn't have to be boring when you can bring the Pardy everywhere you go.
Philip Larsen: Like Benn, Larsen is a fearless and talented young guy with a lot to learn. This book should help clear up a few things for the young Dane.
Kari Lehtonen: While the Stars have done remarkably well in his absence, it would still be nice to have a few of these lying around the ice, the locker room, and practically everywhere else Kari frequents.
Andrew Raycroft: Ok, so he laid some pretty big turds on the ice this season. Sounds delicious!
Richard Bachman: Lehtonen won't be in net forever. So best to start getting ready for inheriting the kingship soon. At least, until young Jack Campbell consolitdates his power.
That's it for this year's edition of a Dallas Stars Christmas Shopping Guide. Tune in next week when we return all this s**t for store credit.