Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Todd’s Top Ten Films of 2011
There just aren't enough synonyms for "awesome" to describe this year's top films.
As another impressive year in cinema draws to an abrupt close, it's time to look back at the Best Year in Movie History and extend a big "thumbs up" towards Hollywood. As great as we had it in 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007 and 2006, 2011 was the year when the big studios made the magic happen ... again. No fewer than three of the top 10 best films of the year were sequels, and hopefully all 10 of these cinematic masterpieces will be re-made into franchises by some far-seeing Kubrickian genius as soon as possible, so that we avid film buffs don't have to wait long to celebrate 2011 2: Quality Never Sleeps. Here are, without question, the top 10 films of 2011.
#10: The Undefeated - This sexy '80s teen romp in the snow has everything you'd expect: smokin' hot nerd babes with glasses, a wild cross-country road trip on a bus where the party never stops, and constant references to President Reagan. Do our zany anti-authority heroes get sweet revenge on the Officer Buzzkill, the mean state trooper? Does the uptight nerd babe flash a little cleeve when she shows a hapless journalist how to blow away a salmon with a 12-gauge? And does a 72 year-old man in a suit get thrown into a pool, or, failing that, in front of a bus? Grab your brewski and climb aboard the Grizzly-Offin' Party bus to find out!
#9: The Green Lantern - Green semen vs. yellow semen: Who ya got? In a completely unrelated coincidence, that is also the main premise of the next Adam Sandler movie.
#8: Beastly - Renamed after focus groups found that the original title "Yeasty" hit a little too close to home, Beastly is the story of how even the most good-looking among us can, with magic marker and silver body paint from Hot Topic, look like the tragic villain of a low-budget experimental sci-fi student film from 1973. An inspirational tale for the ugly among you, except that the hero is only uglied up for about an hour and a half and ends up with Vanessa Hudgens, while you were born ugly and will remain so forever.
#7: Human Centipede 2 - Critics viciously scoffed at the original for featuring only three body segments when everyone knows centipedes have a hundred. Fortunately for legions of fans this family-friendly protest film finally gets it right, going from three victims to 12 — and showing in somewhat graphic detail how the top 1/12th of our nation unfairly consumes 0% of our nation's explosive diarrhea.
#6: There Be Dragons - Look out, Hollywood: There be genius!
#5: Apollo 18 - A thrilling, light-year-a-minute documentary that boldly breaks through the fourth wall, making the audience feel what it's actually like to suffocate in the inky blackness of space for all eternity.
#4: Transformers: Dark of the Moon - The prequel to Transformers 4: Wish You Here and Transformers 5: Delicate of Thunder , autobot auteur and modern-day alchemist Michael Bay has once again accomplished what hundreds of medieval wizards were unable to do: turn a pile of sh*t into gold.
#3: Jack and Jill - After watching helplessly as his parents were murdered by a gang of surly mannish ladies last year, Sandler has made it his life's work to exact swift and terrible revenge. In this brilliant comedy exploring the yin and yang of the bourgoise American cultural rite known as "Thanksgiving," Sandler — who sharp-eyed moviegoers might recognize as playing both title characters — exposes the truth about those cursed with XX chromosomes by revealing that all women look like Sandler in drag and it's OK for half-naked kids to hit them in the face. A terrifying critique of modern gender stereotypes: But can Middle America take it?
#2: Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Having a vampire tear into your womb with his teeth to extract a half-undead baby before it sucks the blood from it's own mother's veins and then having an Indian werewolf become sexually attracted to the newborn is the most metal sentence ever written on the Internet. But then Twilight asks the question: What if you took out the metal and replaced it with dialtone? This under-the-radar investigative piece into the daily lives of reverse bigamists shows preteen girls how awesome it will be when they hold out for the right 80-year old white man hanging around the school parking lot.
#1: Bucky Larson - After watching helplessly as his parents were murdered by a gang of snotty film critics last year, Sandler has made it his life's work to exact swift and terrible revenge. In this groundbreaking laff riot, Sandler combines a vag-moistening leading man with Pauly Shore and involuntary sperm fountains — and creates something that is truly more than the sum of its parts. For an hour and a half, Sandler exposes his microscopic manhood to the world of film critics, slapping them in the face and daring them to react, to take a swing at the screen, to write a negative review. Pulling all advertising ensured that the only people watching this in the theater were helpless film critics, squirming in their seats, becoming both confused and aroused as Sandler brilliantly jabbed at them through the screen with a pointed stick. Well played, Little Nicky. Well. Played.