Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The X List: 7 things to do now that football is officially over forever
Time to bust out that Rachael Ray drinking game you've been waiting to try out.
With the thrills and chills of Super Bowl XLV already a long-forgotten memory, it's time to boldly forge ahead into a new tomorrow and realize that -- thanks to an owner-imposed lockout -- it's likely we've seen the last pro football game for awhile. Figure in the undisputed fact that Mayans will destroy the world in December of 2012, and it's a done deal that no more football will ever be played in the course of human history. Here are some handy suggestions for what to do with all that free time you'll have now that there's a Flozell Adams-sized hole in your heart.
#1. The NFL Will Never Penetrate My Fortress of Tears: Nothing gets concrete results in this world quite like writing non-rhyming poetry into a spiral-bound notebook. Find the darkest corner of your room, proceed to curl up in a fetal position there and sob uncontrollably for hours, until you get your way and the lockout is canceled and your dumb stepdad apologizes for calling you a girl's name, it's just that you dress and act like a girl so cut him some goddamn slack it won't happen again, christ.
#2. Proceed Exactly As Planned: As an ultra-handsome owner of an NFL franchise, your three-step scheme to make trillions is right on schedule. Step One: Lock the players out. Step Two: ???? Step Three: Profit. Stay the course, amigo.
#3. Travel the World: With the money you save on Doritos and divorce settlements alone, you could travel to any city in the world. Choose a city you'd never have visited in a million years, like Pittsburgh or Boston, hop on the next flight there, find a sports bar close to the airport and start loudly yelling in everyone's face that their city, team, and alleged sexual orientation suck. Experts say that the Middle Ages were chock full of these kinds of cultural exchanges.
#4. The NFL Will Miss Me When I'm Gone: The best way to get the NFL's attention on this and other matters is to pretend to like another sport for a short-but-painful period of time. Try the NBA -- those guys look like they'll be around for a long time.
#5. Do Nothing: You've gotten into an awesome groove every Sunday sitting on your couch and staring blankly at a box displaying flickering images. Who says you need to change anything? Stubbornly cling to your old, tried-and-true ways, allowing your eyeballs to absorb the bevy of replacement programming such as Diners, Drive-Ins and Diarrhea, Pawn Slobs and Style Gestapo.
#6. Watch a Real Sport For a Change: Over the course of a three-hour game, it's estimated that NFL starters are actually exerting themselves for about six minutes. Compare that to hockey, rugby, or Australian Rules football, and the intense feelings of shame and embarrassment you experience are normal and totally justified. If you won't tell anyone you once watched a bunch of fat guys slap each other for six minutes every Sunday, I won't tell anyone about your longtime man-crush on dreamy Patriots quarterback Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr.
#7. Live a Rich and Fulfilling Life Without Football: Haha, Roger Goodell would like you to stop talking crazy. That's just insane. Crazy talk. Shut that filthy lie-hole. If you know what's good for you.