Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The X List: 11 keys to understanding the local music scene
Oops! Left out Christian ghettotech! Oversight alert!
As the sad news about Pearl's closing hit last week, it became startlingly obvious that Dallas just doesn't have a clue about the value of local music. No judgments here, compadres: Before I started working at Pegasus/TexasGigs six years ago, I didn't know Drowning Pool and Jessica Simpson were local either. (OMFGinorite?LOL!) Here's a handy guide from a former local musician himself to help you navigate the local music scene a little more efficiently, so that the next Pearl's won't suffer your continued absences.
#1 - Rock
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: once copulated to Boston's "More Than a Feeling" while in the backseat of your dad's Buick; a notion that "irony" is what they make swords out of; called your girlfriend "dude" once when you were trying to tell a funny story.
#2 - Metal
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: threatened to beat up your boss at least once in the past week; attended a buddy's wedding wearing a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt under your rented tux; once loudly proclaimed that Metallica "sold out" after Kill 'em All.
#3 - Jazz
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: a serious drinking problem; an even more serious chuckling-to-yourself problem; attended a live jazz show at a place that didn't serve food just once since 1973.
#4 - Country
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: fought back tears during the National Anthem at a Rangers game; a cousin that once drank piss on a dare; no innate musical ability of any kind whatsoever.
#5 - Indie
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: jeans you found in the junior misses department at Target; two years towards an incredibly useful Humanities degree; an unspoken terror of actual human emotion.
#6 - Blues
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: at least six expensive guitars hanging as decoration in your entertainment room; an AARP card; once paid $200 for a ticket to see Blues legend Buddy Guy.
#7 - Alt-Country
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: enough weed to tolerate the NPR of musical genres; no kids; ignored the fact that alt-country sounds like someone punched regular country in its fat nuts.
#8 - Pop
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: gotten your first allowance last week; voted 74 times in the last American Idol finals; seen a guitar for the first time when you opened the box to Rock Band 2.
#9 - Punk
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: no rhythm; a belief that music was first invented in 1977; just gotten your annual birthday call from your mom informing you that you were supposed to be an abortion.
#10 - Screamo
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: had both ears sheared clean off in your last skateboarding accident; a Youtube subscription to Fred; an Escape the Fate hoodie that your mom cleans your snot out of once a week.
#11 - Singer/Songwriter
To Enjoy This, You Must Have: never gotten along with anyone at high school outside of your AP English class; one black friend; a guitar and a story to tell about a man like you and me, a man you might have heard of named Jesus.