Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Dallas Stars at the D&D Table
Tune in next week when Kari Lehtonen redecorates his crease to resemble the Iron Throne.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we spent two Legit Journalism Points and got the inside scoop on the NFL/NBA/NHL lockouts. This week, with so much happening in el mundo de hockey, it was tough to narrow our laser-like focus on just one of the hundreds of amazing, newsworthy things that rocked the hockey world to its core. Fortunately this week at ComicCon, I was able to track down some of the Dallas Stars' key players, find a hiding place behind a wookie in a Zdeno Chara costume, and quietly observe the Stars in their natural element.
Brenden Morrow: (unfolds miniatures map, puts up vintage DM screen, gets out lucky deadlands dice set from custom bag, and waits. Finally, Mike Ribeiro shows up in a Saruman the White costume.)
"I told you costumes are totally optional."
Mike Ribeiro: "And I told you that they shouldn't be. If you can't stand the 10d6 fireball, get out of the lair of the ogre mage, is what I always say."
Morrow: "Yeah, well, a lot of the guys have never done this before, so they might get intimidated by your... your, ah..."
Ribeiro: "SARUMAN THE WHITE EATS NEWB FEAR FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER!! ALSO, HE DRINKS THE TEARS OF THE WEAK FOR DESSERT AND SOMETIMES RIGHT BEFORE GOING TO BED!!"
Morrow: "Fine, whatev."
(Alex Goligoski pokes his head in, stares longingly at Ribeiro's flowing white robes and beard.)
Goligoski: "Wait--we can wear costumes?"
Ribeiro: "It's a requirement to play at this table."
Morrow: "No, it's not."
Goligoski: "Sweet! I'll be right back!" (two second pause) "Alright let's get this par-tay star-tayed!" (Goligoski is now wearing a fully-functional steampunk centaur-in-a-top-hat-and-goggles costume with working pistons automating the back legs and an art-deco bow-and-arrow.)
Ribeiro: (rolls eyes) "Did you pick that up off the bargain bin at the Disney princess store before you got here? Sheesh."
Goligoski: "Actually I made it myself in my garage out of pieces of actual Slovenian mining equipment from the 1880s. Are we all here yet? I've already rolled my character; he's a half-elf half-githyanki wizard/paladin of Boccob with psionic abilities. I've already rolled his stats, he's got a natural 18 in strength, wisdom, constitution and dexterity but only a 17 in charisma and intelligence. However, if you adjust his charisma to reflect his racial characteristics—"
Ribeiro: "What is this, amateur night in Angmar? That character SUCKS! Besides, we already have a wizard in the party: (stands up on his metal folding chair, strikes a pose with his seven-foot white staff) Dh'rhy'lnhk'rh'rffu'pfrl the Godslayer, and he's got a natural 18 in intelligence, wisdom, dexterity AND charisma so suck it newb!!"
Morrow: "You guys, these are supposed to be first-level characters."
Goligoski: "I know, that's why I rolled him up before I got here. No time to waste! Let's get down to fighting some dragons!"
Ribeiro: "Come on! I believe the Eragon book-signing party-slash-sleepover is on the other side of the convention floor. Dragons are lame. Now, a half-Cthlulu half-Asmodeus epic-level bard—"
Morrow: GUYS! This is a FIRST-level adventure! No dragons or Cthlulus! You'll be fighting giant rats and yellow molds and maybe a single orc if you're lucky!"
(Goligoski and Ribeiro both gasp)
Jamie Benn: (barges in in a huff, slams his backpack on the table, scattering perfectly-placed miniatures across the room. Plops down into a folding chair, removes his mud-caked boots and tosses them against the wall behind Goligoski's head.) "So, you nerds ready to get your ass whupped? Let's do this thing."
Morrow: "Hey Jamie, do you have a character sheet yet?"
Benn: (spits chaw on the floor, uses the edge of Ribeiro's robe to wipe his mouth) A what?"
Morrow: "You need to pick a character for our Dallas Stars Amazing Adventure. Since we already have two magic users, I recommend—"
Benn: "Which is the character that kicks the most ass?"
Goligoski: "That would be the half-centaur half-drow—"
Morrow: "NO non-standard races, Alex."
Goligoski: "But--but I already rolled this one!"
Morrow: "Too bad. You and Ribs are going to have to re-roll your characters anyways, there's no way either of you got four 'natural' 18's unless you were cheating."
(Goligoski and Ribeiro both gasp, again, looking shocked)
Ribeiro: "How DARE you, Bren—"
Benn: (scratches crotch, slaps the butt of a passing cosplay girl dressed as Dr. Girlfriend) "Blah blah blah. Just give me one of those swords that's bigger than me and let's get started killin' stuff."
Morrow: "Excellent! We needed a barbarian in the party, to make sure these two weaker characters survive the first encounter. But we're still waiting on Robidas..."
Ribeiro: "A barbarian? Oh come on, a barbarian is just going to slow us down!"
Goligoski: "Trust me Jamie, if you want to do some real damage you should be a half-dwarf necromancer with a second specialty in the evocation school and—"
Benn: "Everybody just shut the f$^k up. I'm a human barbarian with a three-hundred pound axe that has taken a blood oath to slaughter every living thing he sees. Now, can we get this s#;t started? I told those Slave Leia twins I'd meet them behind the empty Last Airbender booth at 4:30."
(Stephane Robidas bursts in, covered in cuts and bruises. He breathlessly slams his character sheet in front of Morrow and collapses onto the table.)
Robidas: "Brenden, I ... wheeze... pre-rolled my ... pant... crippled half-gnome fighter... sigh... he rolled a natural 6 for strength and wisdom, and a 3 in.... huff... everything else..."
Morrow: "Jeezus, not again! Alright, DM Rule: I'm going to give you one 18 in an ability of your choice. We can't have another crappy character that gets everyone killed in their first battle against the medium-sized spider."
Robidas: "Give my... natural 18 to..... Beeeeennnnnnnn." (collapses in a heap underneath the table)
Loui Eriksson: (shows up in a suit with a batch of homemade brownies) "Can I be guy who feed the horses?"
(TO BE CONTINUED...)
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know an Olympian: Jamie Benn
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Star: Ryan Garbutt
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Future Star: Valeri Nichushkin
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Head Coach: Lindy Ruff
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a New Star: Sergei Gonchar