Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Rating the Fan Bases: Vancouver versus Boston
Just scroll to the bottom of the page to see who wins! Just kidding it's Boston.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we raked in exactly zero dollars despite our stunningly-correct prediction of the Atlanta Thrashers Apocalypse, putting our goal of purchasing the Dallas Stars a few hundred million short. This week, it's finally the Moment We've All Been Waiting For, when fans of 28 NHL teams can band together and throw cheap potshots at the two cheating no-talent dive artists that bought off enough refs to get into the Lame Dance. I'm talking, of course, about the Stanley Cup Finals, baby!
Team sports have historically had one primary purpose: Prevent ancient city-states from going to war. A secondary function was the selling of togas with the word "ATHENS" inscribed on the back. And to-day, over nine million years after the ancient Greeks perfected the art of team sports, the spirit of peace and fairness still prevails over every sporting contest.
Except this one.
In a perfect world, one run by enlightened poet-kings and Grand Viziers who know magic, we would just put these two cities in a colossal jar and shake it up until they started biting each other's thoraxes. Unfortunately, despite having the technology to do so, civilization has decided to spend the tens of trillions necessary on less satisfying pursuits.
Here's a handy, scientific, with-actual-numbers-and-everything breakdown of which team's fanbase is better. Feel free to draw your own conclusions, even if they're wrong.
Fun Facts: Legend has it that on this location ten thousand years ago a local Sḵwx̱wú7mesh man broke a nail while wetting his pants, causing him to drop to the ground like a gunshot victim. The area became more populous following the 1858 Fraser Gold Rush, when 25,000 swashbuckling wiseguys descended on the area looking for ancient Egyptian treasure. The city was incorporated in 1886 and named Vancouver, after an old Xwméthkwyiem name that means "Charmin-Soft Eurotrash Overrateniks." The twentieth century saw Vancouver rise to prominence when, following a light shoulder-bump from a passing Yukon man, the twenty miles of mountain between them and the Pacific were flooded with Vancouverite tears, creating the natural seaport that we see to-day. Vancouver is renowned for its pleasant climate, cost of living, scenery, nightlife, low crime and mild winters. Despite this, 99% of all Canadians wisely choose to ekk out meager lives of squalor in -80 degree weather rather than move to Vancouver.
Most "Recent" Stanley Cup: 2010, according to Canuck fans who claim they got cheated out of their 66th straight championship due to the NHL's insistence on letting opposing players skate within thirty feet of Roberto Luongo.
The Typical Fan is...: Thinking up new and exciting penalties for the refs to call.
Greatest Triumph: Their first-round sweep of a barely-.500 shell of a Chicago Blackhawks team that backed into the playoffs.
Greatest Shame: The Sedin twins' mom's inability to pop out six more brothers to man the blueline.
Hero of Legend: That ref who stutters too much to call unsportsmanlike conduct.
Final Science Analysis: Whether they're having erotic fantasies about 5-on-3s or petitioning the Catholic Church to have Alex Burrows canonized, Canuck fans are the Sarah Jessica Parkers of Canada; thin, inexplicably rich professional whiners who spend 9/10ths of their time on their backs complaining. Also, they're married to gay dudes. All things considered, their Fan Base Score is an impressive .014 out of 100, slightly worse than fans of Cop Rock but nearly twice as high as Predators fans.
Fun Facts: Founded by engineering nerd Tom Scholz in 1975, the city of Boston set a precedent when they wrote the song "Rock and Roll Band," about the gritty life of an up-and-coming musician, despite never actually having experienced anything of the sort and getting a major record contract before their first live gig. Since then, Boston fans have consistently planned championship parade routes in all four major sports years in advance. Unfortunately for Bruins/Patriots/Celtics/Red Sox fans, actual championships are about as rare and widely-spaced as Boston albums.
Most "Recent" Stanley Cup: 1972.
The Typical Fan is...: Not old enough to remember that far back.
Greatest Triumph: Watching the Colorado Avalanche retire Ray Bourque's number.
Greatest Shame: That time they walked in on Milan Lucic dressed in a tutu singing to his Care Bears.
Hero of Legend: Crispus Attucks.
Final Science Analysis: With the Celtics collecting their monthly social security checks and the Patriots locked out, it's finally time for the Bruins to seize the--oh hey the Red Sox are back in first? GO SAWX! By needlessly straining Bruins fans' skulls through a fine wire mesh in the name of science, we come to a Fan Base Score of 65, placing them just between grown men who dress up as Dr. Girlfriend while writing their Venture Bros. fan fiction, and common everyday ceiling fans.