Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The X List: 13 historically accurate soundbites from the Sarah Palin One Nation Bus Tour
Now here's a little story, I've got to tell, about one bad mother, you know so well.
Republican commentator Sarah Palin recently got into a bit of a tiff with the Liberal American History Elite In Their Ivory Towers when she publicly claimed that Paul Revere warned the British with bells about gun rights. Later, she admitted she used the wrong pronou--wait, no, she defended the truth of what she said and then her followers tried to change the Paul Revere wikipedia page. Fortunately, we at Pegasus News got an advance copy of her meticulously-planned soundbites for the remainder of the tour.
#1: Palin at Plymouth Rock - "We should all thank the Pilgrims who defended our borders from invading hordes of Red Indians and kept our children's scalps safe."
#2: Palin at Mount Vernon - "Our country's first and greatest Republican president was killed by socialized leeching. "
#3: Palin in Weehawken, New Jersey - "It's a shame that Alexander Hamilton, the small-town inventor of the ten dollar bill, should die because of strict gun control regulations. Thank God Aaron Burr honored his death by passing the Second Amendment the next day."
#4: Palin in Boston - "If it wasn't for the brave men and women of the Tea Party we'd all be speaking British in our public schools and worshiping some dumb guy named George."
#5: Palin at Congress Hall, Philadelphia - "Our Founding Fathers passed the Alien and Sedition Acts here, which made it hard for immigrants to come into this country, arrested journalists for writing mean stuff, deported foreigners and allowed citizens to fire indiscriminately at aliens. They did it to fight a secret war against France, andOHMYGODIWANTTHISBILLINSIDEME."
#6: Palin in Richmond, Virginia - "Jefferson Davis was our nation's greatest president."
#7: Palin in South Carolina - "Ya know, we really ought to look at maybe repealing the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments. They're holding back small-town American commerce. They're old Amendments anyways, not like the Second Amendment."
#8: Palin in San Juan, Puerto Rico - "When small-town militias blew up El Maine to win the Hispanics-Americans War, they did it to keep Spanish Fly from corrupting our children. "
#9: Palin at Seneca Falls, New York - "I think I speak for all Americans when I say that someone should've told these feminist Washington insiders to shut up and go make me a sandwich."
#10: Palin in Dallas - "Kennedy might still be our President today had not Texas' strict gun control laws prevented him from using his fully-automatic assault rifle to blow away the tiger that mauled him."
#11: Palin in Montgomery, Alabama - "I don't see what the big deal is here. I thought you people said 'all back of the bus' to mean you're too cool for school. Not like Alaska, where 'too cool for school' means it's eighty below zero."
#12: Palin at Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco - "Go back to Russia and get a job."
#13: Palin at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library - "Ronald Reagan was our nation's greatest president. No one else could look Lenin in the eye and tell him to 'take down this wall, 'cause we need the bricks to protect our borders from anchor babies.' I believe his dying wish was to build a 2,000-mile fence protected by immigrant-intercepting lasers from outer space."