Tuesday, March 8, 2011
X List: 11 Books/toys/comics that should be made into movies
Also, why no WWF movie?
Having just made the minor mistake of watching of the 2007 movie adaptation of Neil Gaiman's brilliant Stardust, it suddenly became obvious that there is no good reason why Hollywood should be out of ideas, and making $200 million movies around Battleship, Bazooka Joe and Viewmaster. Not when there is so much high-quality, original content for some plucky studio to eff up beyond any recognition! Here are 11 classic novels, toys and comic books that have yet to be strangled on the silver screen.
#11 - American Gods: Neil Gaiman's books seem like they should translate very easily to the big screen, but with the sole exception of 2009's Coraline, every single time Hollywood tries, they fail. Sometimes miserably. Even so, it would be hard to eff up this one: tall dark hero with a tragic past, Odin, gods killing gods, the House on the Rock... heck, I'd do it for a cool million. Any takers?
#10 - Jem: This 80s paean to big pink hair is tailor-made for a generation of kids raised on Disney fluff-pop and Glee. Added bonus: they could cast five hobos in rainbow fright wigs banging on overturned garbage cans with human shin bones, and it would still be Totally Outrageous!
#9 - Dante's Inferno: Sinners suffering made-for-cinema torments, plenty of grade-A opportunities for 3D CGI special effects, and two built-in sequels: Dante rolls in his grave every time a Hollywood exec snorts a line of coke and passes over Inferno for the next Family Circus movie. As do all those Hollywood execs currently burning in the seventh circle of Hell.
#8 - 100 Bullets: This comic is nothing but guns, death, treachery, assassins, and awesome characters just waiting for Channing Tatum or Zac Efron to spoil them forever. There's exactly 100 issues, too, so that's potentially even more sequels, pre-sequels, prequels, re-adaptions, re-imaginings, franchise re-boots and Hasbro tie-ins to last Hollywood for five, maybe six years!
#7 - Diablo: Guy with a sword slaughters billions of bad buys on a trek through Hell itself, in a quest to slay the devil: really, all you'd need is Justin Bieber and a $400 million special effects budget. Hollywood: make the magic happen!
#6 - Preacher: Every time they pass this comic book series over for another Pirates of the Caribbean sequel, an angel cries, then gets shot in the face by the Saint of Killers.
#5 - The Illuminatus Trilogy: Robert Anton Wilson's epic counterculture fantasy/detective/occult/mystery/sci-fi novel of drugs, sex, magic, Nazis and intergalactic conspiracies makes The Da Vinci Code look like a barcode on a box of tampons. There's simply never been a more entertaining and enlightening conspiracy story ever made, period.
#4 - Starblazers: Big space-battleship flies around fighting bad aliens, but finds it's only chance at saving the universe is to use its massive wave-motion cannon. Toss Sean Connery in as Captain Avatar (or Baptain Bavatar, if James Cameron starts running off his mouth), and you've got box office gold!
#3 - Powers: Action? Check. Detective story? Check. Superheroes? Check. Supervillains? Check. Cavemen with super powers and immortality? Check and double check! Ten bucks says that Hollywood makes a female version of Aquaman starring Miley Cyrus before they ever make this amazing comic book into a movie. Because there is no God, you see.
#2 - How Green Was My Valley: This mega-bucks throat-slashin' face-smashin' bucket of guts can't keep the blood in the arteries and off your 3D glasses! Watch as the always-naked hero Chuck Mount puts the 'gent' back in 'ripping Commie genitals fro-- ah, just seeing if you were still paying attention. I'm pretty sure this was already made into a movie, something about a dog that can shoot baskets trying to save the rec center.
#1 - Adventures of Zelda: If you're going to make a video game movie, why not start with the best? I mean, best besides Super Mario Kart, of course, which now that I think of it, could make a Fast n' Furious-esque action thriller that I'd be contractually obligated to see over one million times. Make it happen, Hollywood!