Thursday, May 19, 2011
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - A Survival Guide: So You Just Lost to the Vancouver Canucks
Of course, this is all hypothetical. Crazy. Crazy talk.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we gently laid down the maggot-strewn corpse of the Nashville Predators into a shallow grave; this week, it's time to roll up our sleeves and really get in there. As you may have heard, the San Jose Sharks -- representing American Freedom and Unstoppable Victory -- have recently "lost" to an evil Voltron-esque combination of the Refs and the Vancouver Canucks, whom we shall hereafter refer to as the Vancouver Ref-uc-- oops! Nevermind: Let's just call them the Can-efs.
As a Dallas Stars fan, I know all too well the pain and humiliation that come from losing a playoff game to Vancouver. So here's a handy guide to mastering the survival skills you will need to stay alive through this Vanpocalypse, so that you can be smitten by Bieksa-sized hail in the coming Rapture.
SO YOU'VE JUST LOST A PLAYOFF GAME TO THE VANCOUVER CANUCKS: U.S. GOVERNMENT SURVIVAL GUIDE DZ-4337S
STEP ONE. GRAB YOUR ANKLES AND KI--WAIT, CAN YOU CHECK AGAIN?: Due to the overwhelming statistical improbability of losing a playoff game to the Vancouver Canucks, the U.S. Government first recommends that you double-check the score. Look for these common indicators of a Canucks victory: Are two-legged half-men, half-zebra abominations sitting cross-legged at center ice counting small stacks of hilariously-colored money? Is the Jumbotron upside-down? Has the other team been replaced by cardboard cut-outs of Sandis Ozolinsh in a cheerleader costume? Does your team currently employ Patrick Marleau?
STEP TWO. PUT THE GUN DOWN: The U.S. Government has commissioned several scientific studies that indicate it's not worth it, man.
STEP THREE. MAINTAIN A HEALTHY PERSPECTIVE: Further studies have shown that it's only one game, and that several historically-mediocre teams have had to suffer the ignominy of taking an entire five games to breeze past the Canucks. Also, several of these teams were actual NHL clubs, with real players that had mass and took up space.
ADDENDUM #1. IF YOU HAVE LOST MORE THAN ONE PLAYOFF GAME TO THE CANUCKS: In the unlikely event of multiple playoff losses to Vancouver, all is lost. The rivers of molten blood should be flooding your house within seconds. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have tied your dad to a chair in the next room and are slapping him in the face. The internet is lava. The Beast of Revelations has emptied your savings account to order pizzas topped with extra cheese and your kids. Traffic lights are working normally.
STEP FOUR. KNOW YOUR CANUCK FAN: The typical Canuck fan has tear-ducts 17 times larger than a sperm whale's, and their lungs have a whining capacity the equivalent of a 40-story vacuum cleaner. Every May, the combination of these two result in the planet-spanning climate pattern el Bebe, forcing the U.S. Department of Defense to spend hundreds of billions on a titanium diaper strong enough for Canuck Nation.
STEP FIVE. WELCOME YOUR NEW CANUCK OVERLORDS: Government officials recognize that worshiping a team that is barely .500 against playoff-caliber teams and plays in a division where every team fires their coaches mid-season and/or is the Edmonton Oilers may seem unspeakably vile to you and your loved ones. But according to U.S. State Department Survey 101SJ-9: TOUGH BISCUITS, due to the rank failure of your chosen team to show up to the ice rink at some point during the game, you and your city are now officially the property of the people of Vancouver.
STEP SIX. AVOID PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH YOUR NEW CANUCK OVERLORDS: Due to extensive training in the Italian soccer league, Canucks players' sensitive bodies jerk back like gunshot victims when lightly brushed, tapped or breathed near. Save your warm, welcoming embraces for those who truly need them.
See more stories in:
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Top 5 Reasons the Dallas Stars Will/Won't Make the Playoffs
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 10 Reasons to Love the Lockout
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - R.I.P. 1991-2012: Every Team You Hate
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Solving the Stars' Attendance Woes
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Want to be a Vancouver Canuck?