The X List: 7 more skeletons in Herman Cain’s sexual closet

by Todd Maternowski

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Rick Perry's camp can neither confirm nor deny that this whole thing is hilarious.

The world was shaken to its core this past week when it was discovered that a Republican presidential candidate may not exactly be a gleaming beacon of clean-livin' morality. While we can all agree that these accusations are spurious because sexual harassment doesn't exist, the Cain campaign was smart enough to pre-empt next week's rash of sex scandal relevations by releasing this list to everyone in the liberal media. Here are the seven skeletons in Cain's closet that we'll be laughing about next week.

"You want a job, don't you?"

Skeleton #1: Claims Girls Gone Wild: Mid-Level Restaurant Entrepreneur Associate Manager's Team-Building Retreat Edition was all his idea.

Skeleton #2: Ignored focus groups' complaints about the Godfather Alpha Male Special, the first and last pizza to combine the two great tastes of sausage and roofies.

Skeleton #3: Watched his parents get brutally murdered at the hands of Anita Hill; vowed revenge.

Skeleton #4: Believes an all-nude company dress code breaks tension, increases office morale.

Skeleton #5: Admits the book that influenced him the most was How to Win Friends and Influence People by Whipping That S**t Out.

Skeleton #6: Thinks Sexual Harassment Panda is a myth used to scare children, like Bigfoot or Osama bin Laden.

Skeleton #7: Insists that Godfather Pizza's marketing slogans "A pizza you can't refuse!", "Do it!", "If you don't like anchovies, you'll be sleeping with the fishes", "Da goods is in da box!" and "I know your neighborhood" weren't just things he overheard from inside windowless vans.